Hey guys
Today is a really bad day, well everdayis bad, the pain is pure torture.I know I say this a lot but I can't get over the anger towards god, the universe, whatever is out there that is just watching us endure the our pain. My life is really sad, I've isolated myself from people, I got to the point where I can not bare to see another human being, not really because I don't want yo see them but cause I don't want them to see me.I absolutely hate myself, in every way. You guys might be shocked but I've been isolated for about 7 months, literally, the only person I see is my mother, who I live with at the age of 43 I had to move back with my mother because I was completely incapable of taking care of myself anymore due to my severe depression. It breaks my heart because she's 80 and it kills her to see me this way, she always say that the day she sees me going out and having friends will be the happiest day of her life and I know that day will never come, she deserves to be happy at her age and I'm giving her nothing but pain. She always begs me to go see my old psychiatrist, which had really helped me a few years back but now I'm absolutely sure I'm beyond help, I'm sure most of you know the feeling of knowing that you're beyond help, when you've tried everything to get better but nothing worked.
I wish so badly that I can go back to the happy years, I did have the best moments of my life but now when those memories come to mind, it hurts me so much because I know I'll never feel like that again so I don't like to remember them, I can't even hear a song from that period or see pictures of myself in those years, it's really painful, I miss those time like crazy. I feel like I'm mourning my old self.
I can't see a future and can't see the past.I know it's time to go but there are many obstacles I have to overcome, one being the pain I feel when I think about the pure agony my mother will be in when I ctb. Anyway, sorry for the rant guys I just need to let things out or I'll explode and I have no one to talk to.
Today is a really bad day, well everdayis bad, the pain is pure torture.I know I say this a lot but I can't get over the anger towards god, the universe, whatever is out there that is just watching us endure the our pain. My life is really sad, I've isolated myself from people, I got to the point where I can not bare to see another human being, not really because I don't want yo see them but cause I don't want them to see me.I absolutely hate myself, in every way. You guys might be shocked but I've been isolated for about 7 months, literally, the only person I see is my mother, who I live with at the age of 43 I had to move back with my mother because I was completely incapable of taking care of myself anymore due to my severe depression. It breaks my heart because she's 80 and it kills her to see me this way, she always say that the day she sees me going out and having friends will be the happiest day of her life and I know that day will never come, she deserves to be happy at her age and I'm giving her nothing but pain. She always begs me to go see my old psychiatrist, which had really helped me a few years back but now I'm absolutely sure I'm beyond help, I'm sure most of you know the feeling of knowing that you're beyond help, when you've tried everything to get better but nothing worked.
I wish so badly that I can go back to the happy years, I did have the best moments of my life but now when those memories come to mind, it hurts me so much because I know I'll never feel like that again so I don't like to remember them, I can't even hear a song from that period or see pictures of myself in those years, it's really painful, I miss those time like crazy. I feel like I'm mourning my old self.
I can't see a future and can't see the past.I know it's time to go but there are many obstacles I have to overcome, one being the pain I feel when I think about the pure agony my mother will be in when I ctb. Anyway, sorry for the rant guys I just need to let things out or I'll explode and I have no one to talk to.
