BasqueClown
Zirkua ata heriotza
- Jun 9, 2022
- 121
Call me gothic or emo but death is always following me
When I think that I overcome mourning something happened
First was my aitona (Basque for grandpa), at 9 years old
My dad was deeply devastated for losing him and probably was the reason to move out (Well he also found a better job that summer)
I didn't met my maternal grandparents because both of them died before I was born
Then my grandma at my 13 years old, I didn't made it to funeral, my father was there
14 years old my mom died. 3 WEEKS AFTER MY BIRTHDAY! She lost battle after struggling with paraplegia by 10 years. A lot of rehabilitation was made but every year worsening. I was totally, totally devastated, in fact I was out of school 1 month and I need to make additional exams for not losing that school year
Then: teenager. Was the only stage with any significant loss , but struggling between my religious family and beliefs, drinking and smoking hiding and having time with my best friend O. O. Was gothic style as I want to be, but my dad was furious when she caught me listening to metal bands or strong somber makeup
Well I wasn't exactly depressed or suicidal in that years, and I started to read all that stuff about dying, or losing the love of your life
Then in 16 years old I heard for first time that someone that I knew take his life, a guy from my high school died after a strong discussion with his parents
Forward: 18-19, good years, started college, and best friend O. Invited me to Hellfest 2016 and was AMAZING experience. We enjoy a lot together and I met here a few friends that I have until today...
HOWEVER
Mourning knocked again in my door
O. Made a trip with her family and unfortunately she died in a car accident
First cellphone doesn't get up, I think that was out of battery, then I got the news 3 days after because a cousin answered the phone
My best friend just died!
I WAS IN ABSOLUTE DENIAL THAT DAY AND MY FAMILY HOSPITALIZED ME BECAUSE OF THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN
And because of that I didn't attend funeral
Since that day my depression worsened because 1. I lost my best friend 2. I was tired to be in closet and 3. I started to seriously thinking in suicide but no serious intention
Well, I graduated from college and 2018 was my time to find job in my area... I didn't
And then got the proposal to come to Brazil and I told already that part
WHAT'S YOUR POINT BASQUECLOWN
My point is that I didn't handle mourning since death doesn't give me a break
I could have died too in my attempt
And I mourn that little girl that dream about being a writer or a script movie
Destroyed by constant mourning and finally killed in March 13 2021
And here I am, Basque adult who is confused as f$&#&; about her future, her dreams, her purpose
My current obsession is death, even my own
My favorite YouTuber are Ask a mortician by the way
I'm not longer innocent and atrocious people abused about my cluelessness
Ah, my dad is fine, 63 years old, married again but after a huge fight when I told that I was abused and tell me all the bull$&#& about sinful is my homosexuality instead of comfort his daughter he's dead to me
Death broken me so much in my life f$&#& and make me chaotic depressed and procrastinating
When I think that I overcome mourning something happened
First was my aitona (Basque for grandpa), at 9 years old
My dad was deeply devastated for losing him and probably was the reason to move out (Well he also found a better job that summer)
I didn't met my maternal grandparents because both of them died before I was born
Then my grandma at my 13 years old, I didn't made it to funeral, my father was there
14 years old my mom died. 3 WEEKS AFTER MY BIRTHDAY! She lost battle after struggling with paraplegia by 10 years. A lot of rehabilitation was made but every year worsening. I was totally, totally devastated, in fact I was out of school 1 month and I need to make additional exams for not losing that school year
Then: teenager. Was the only stage with any significant loss , but struggling between my religious family and beliefs, drinking and smoking hiding and having time with my best friend O. O. Was gothic style as I want to be, but my dad was furious when she caught me listening to metal bands or strong somber makeup
Well I wasn't exactly depressed or suicidal in that years, and I started to read all that stuff about dying, or losing the love of your life
Then in 16 years old I heard for first time that someone that I knew take his life, a guy from my high school died after a strong discussion with his parents
Forward: 18-19, good years, started college, and best friend O. Invited me to Hellfest 2016 and was AMAZING experience. We enjoy a lot together and I met here a few friends that I have until today...
HOWEVER
Mourning knocked again in my door
O. Made a trip with her family and unfortunately she died in a car accident
First cellphone doesn't get up, I think that was out of battery, then I got the news 3 days after because a cousin answered the phone
My best friend just died!
I WAS IN ABSOLUTE DENIAL THAT DAY AND MY FAMILY HOSPITALIZED ME BECAUSE OF THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN
And because of that I didn't attend funeral
Since that day my depression worsened because 1. I lost my best friend 2. I was tired to be in closet and 3. I started to seriously thinking in suicide but no serious intention
Well, I graduated from college and 2018 was my time to find job in my area... I didn't
And then got the proposal to come to Brazil and I told already that part
WHAT'S YOUR POINT BASQUECLOWN
My point is that I didn't handle mourning since death doesn't give me a break
I could have died too in my attempt
And I mourn that little girl that dream about being a writer or a script movie
Destroyed by constant mourning and finally killed in March 13 2021
And here I am, Basque adult who is confused as f$&#&; about her future, her dreams, her purpose
My current obsession is death, even my own
My favorite YouTuber are Ask a mortician by the way
I'm not longer innocent and atrocious people abused about my cluelessness
Ah, my dad is fine, 63 years old, married again but after a huge fight when I told that I was abused and tell me all the bull$&#& about sinful is my homosexuality instead of comfort his daughter he's dead to me
Death broken me so much in my life f$&#& and make me chaotic depressed and procrastinating
