Hi all,
I asked to be hospitalized last christmas since I felt very abandoned and alone during that holiday which lead to me trying to end my life. No family member had reached out to me and I was ignored by them. What hurt the most was reading my family group chat just to see that my family was all gathered togheter without me and they hadn't invited me and weren't going to. It was really painful to see them post this stuff just to make me feel sad. I'm very traditional and I love holidays, I'm just not able to celebrate any or follow the traditions that are important to me due to the lack of a real family.
I was only hospitalized for 10 hours or so which was over night. I wanted to go back to my apartment after some hours so I asked to be released and was during the morning. I did not spend enough time there to meet any patients.
A few weeks ago last month, a documentary was released in my country about some of the most dangerous high security inmates we have and about our prison system. I watched the first couple episodes and then I got to the last ones and I find out in those that the person who was sleeping in the room next to mine at that hospital that night during Christmas, was one of the most dangerous inmates in the country. He was in prison for murder and rape.
I don't know how to feel about this. I feel uncomfortable and shocked by the whole thing. I mainly stuggle with my PTSD and suicidal thoughts due to having been raped. It feels unreal that I was just some feet/meters away from a known rapist who's also a murderor. I know that if I met the person while I was in there and found out about their backround, it would have just made me terrified. I felt extremely uneasy and weird when I was there for the few hours I was there for. I couldn't really put my finger on why. I think this might explain it. My intuition was just very negative and unwell. I forgot to bring my phone somehow so I just kept holding my keys and heart keychain to remind myself that this will be over soon and I can go home in some hours.
There's so many complexities to this whole situation. The healthcare system is very broken and underfunded. The fact that a rape victim who's suicidal issues and PTSD largely stems from past sexual abuse, have to be in the same unit as a dangerous rapist, is crazy to me. And it's even more weird to me that a brutal killer is in the same unit as some suicidal people and that this muderor get to spend all day with people who want to end their life. Every time I've been hospitalized, I've just felt that «I don't belong here.» And every doctor agrees with that. The issue is; where do people like me go for help then? There's no suitable unit for me to go to. I've never had a psychosis, I'm not violent, I don't have a severe eating disorder right now, I don't have problems with routines or a light depression. But the only units that are mainly available and created are units for those kinds of problems. I just wish there was a closed emergency unit for people with PTSD who need to experience peace, stability, safety, shielding from triggers and silence. I don't want to have to worry about meeting a known rapists when I'm trying to get away from that. Such a hopeless system.
I asked to be hospitalized last christmas since I felt very abandoned and alone during that holiday which lead to me trying to end my life. No family member had reached out to me and I was ignored by them. What hurt the most was reading my family group chat just to see that my family was all gathered togheter without me and they hadn't invited me and weren't going to. It was really painful to see them post this stuff just to make me feel sad. I'm very traditional and I love holidays, I'm just not able to celebrate any or follow the traditions that are important to me due to the lack of a real family.
I was only hospitalized for 10 hours or so which was over night. I wanted to go back to my apartment after some hours so I asked to be released and was during the morning. I did not spend enough time there to meet any patients.
A few weeks ago last month, a documentary was released in my country about some of the most dangerous high security inmates we have and about our prison system. I watched the first couple episodes and then I got to the last ones and I find out in those that the person who was sleeping in the room next to mine at that hospital that night during Christmas, was one of the most dangerous inmates in the country. He was in prison for murder and rape.
I don't know how to feel about this. I feel uncomfortable and shocked by the whole thing. I mainly stuggle with my PTSD and suicidal thoughts due to having been raped. It feels unreal that I was just some feet/meters away from a known rapist who's also a murderor. I know that if I met the person while I was in there and found out about their backround, it would have just made me terrified. I felt extremely uneasy and weird when I was there for the few hours I was there for. I couldn't really put my finger on why. I think this might explain it. My intuition was just very negative and unwell. I forgot to bring my phone somehow so I just kept holding my keys and heart keychain to remind myself that this will be over soon and I can go home in some hours.
There's so many complexities to this whole situation. The healthcare system is very broken and underfunded. The fact that a rape victim who's suicidal issues and PTSD largely stems from past sexual abuse, have to be in the same unit as a dangerous rapist, is crazy to me. And it's even more weird to me that a brutal killer is in the same unit as some suicidal people and that this muderor get to spend all day with people who want to end their life. Every time I've been hospitalized, I've just felt that «I don't belong here.» And every doctor agrees with that. The issue is; where do people like me go for help then? There's no suitable unit for me to go to. I've never had a psychosis, I'm not violent, I don't have a severe eating disorder right now, I don't have problems with routines or a light depression. But the only units that are mainly available and created are units for those kinds of problems. I just wish there was a closed emergency unit for people with PTSD who need to experience peace, stability, safety, shielding from triggers and silence. I don't want to have to worry about meeting a known rapists when I'm trying to get away from that. Such a hopeless system.
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