1nf3ct3d
New Member
- May 25, 2024
- 2
loser back hi uhm i figured since ill probably die, not an exact definite but ive taken every medication i have so well just hope itll kill me, ill share my story or whatever. so trigger warning for rape/sa abuse n stuff i guess
kind of hard to really say anything about this ive never told anybody but ive gone through a shit ton in life, my earliest memories were of parents fighting and yelling nonstop, i didnt get any attention from my parents and often got it from older people, especially online. ive been groomed since the age of 13, guys and even girls older than me, even going up to the ages of 50 grooming me. and i clung onto every word and praise and affection because i was just so desperate to get love and attention, the shit my parents never gave to me. ive gotten so attention starved i cling onto anything like a fucking mutt and i get so disgusted by it. i sent nudes to men older than my father because they told me things that i just wanted to hear. i sent pictures of my body to people because i just wanted to be loved.
i always grew up with sa, ive been assaulted a lot, and whenver i try and tell anyone, it doesnt matter because "they were a child too" but i was also a child, i was also just as innocent. i was also a little fucking kid who didnt know what the fuck was happening when i got fingers shoved into me. its such bullshit because even the most recent time it had happened, my ex boyfriend, nobody fucking cared, or it was undermined, or it wasnt as bad as real SA because of the fact my boyfriend was trans. "people with girl body parts cant rape people" you know how damagaing that shit is?? being told your whole fuckign life whats happened to you is just overreacting and its nothing and it isnt valid and this and that. i get so fucking tired of it. every day i feel his hands.on me, in me, touching me and ruining me again, making me feel so disgusted with my body that i cant even shower without sobbing and scrubbing as hard as i could until it starts to damage skin and leave marks. no matter how hard i scrub his hands will always be on me. always.
for as long as i can remember my parents had always fought, always yelled, i remember my mom breaking beer bottles over my dads head before my dad shoived her head into a sinj and turned the water on her, i watched the aggression for my whole life until they finally split, and then my mothers anger was turned to me, for the littlest inconvenience she would hit me or yell at me or call me things and say hwo much of a worthless brat i was. and the worst part is she denied every single part of it, said she didnt do those things or i was misremembering or something. but how could she fucking rememebr when she was FUCKING DRUNK ALL THE TIME! she couldnt remember anything because she was too busy down as much alcohol as she could before she passed out. i just ended up staying with my dad, trying to get away from my mothers abuse, and our relationship was good, it was great, until i came out as trans. until i realized i wanted to be a boy. and then it was ruined. he would constantly say i was confused, or i was being stupid, or hed call me slurs. and ontop of that, he would try and act nice after wards, ask for hugs and shit. and i couldnt fucking hug him, for the longest timeni couldnt hug or touch anybody, surprise surprise back to being raped and sexually assaulted. but he wouldnt fucking stop, "can i have a hug? hug me! im your dad!" after i said no multiple fucking times. i guess theres a pattern in most men and not accepting fucking no. and then hed get violent and hold me down and hit me or slapped me, calling me the r slur and other words.
and then i guess all of this made me how i am, most of my teenage years was spent cutting myself and trying to kill myself but being so fucking scared that i didnt do enough to fully die, or i chickened out. but i guess im done being a fucking pussy, i want to die and i hope i die, i just want eeveyrthing to fucking stop. apart of me hopes reincarnation is real, apart of me hopes it fucking isnt because if something as shitty as this happens again im gonna pick a fucking fight with whatever deity, if there is one, exists.
yapathon over now i guess ! ! i dont know what compelled me to write this, this is more than ive told my thousands of therapists but i guess the fact im gonna die gets rid of the fear of judgement. if u read all of this stupid ass fucking rant, thanks i guess, try n be stronger than me i guess.
kind of hard to really say anything about this ive never told anybody but ive gone through a shit ton in life, my earliest memories were of parents fighting and yelling nonstop, i didnt get any attention from my parents and often got it from older people, especially online. ive been groomed since the age of 13, guys and even girls older than me, even going up to the ages of 50 grooming me. and i clung onto every word and praise and affection because i was just so desperate to get love and attention, the shit my parents never gave to me. ive gotten so attention starved i cling onto anything like a fucking mutt and i get so disgusted by it. i sent nudes to men older than my father because they told me things that i just wanted to hear. i sent pictures of my body to people because i just wanted to be loved.
i always grew up with sa, ive been assaulted a lot, and whenver i try and tell anyone, it doesnt matter because "they were a child too" but i was also a child, i was also just as innocent. i was also a little fucking kid who didnt know what the fuck was happening when i got fingers shoved into me. its such bullshit because even the most recent time it had happened, my ex boyfriend, nobody fucking cared, or it was undermined, or it wasnt as bad as real SA because of the fact my boyfriend was trans. "people with girl body parts cant rape people" you know how damagaing that shit is?? being told your whole fuckign life whats happened to you is just overreacting and its nothing and it isnt valid and this and that. i get so fucking tired of it. every day i feel his hands.on me, in me, touching me and ruining me again, making me feel so disgusted with my body that i cant even shower without sobbing and scrubbing as hard as i could until it starts to damage skin and leave marks. no matter how hard i scrub his hands will always be on me. always.
for as long as i can remember my parents had always fought, always yelled, i remember my mom breaking beer bottles over my dads head before my dad shoived her head into a sinj and turned the water on her, i watched the aggression for my whole life until they finally split, and then my mothers anger was turned to me, for the littlest inconvenience she would hit me or yell at me or call me things and say hwo much of a worthless brat i was. and the worst part is she denied every single part of it, said she didnt do those things or i was misremembering or something. but how could she fucking rememebr when she was FUCKING DRUNK ALL THE TIME! she couldnt remember anything because she was too busy down as much alcohol as she could before she passed out. i just ended up staying with my dad, trying to get away from my mothers abuse, and our relationship was good, it was great, until i came out as trans. until i realized i wanted to be a boy. and then it was ruined. he would constantly say i was confused, or i was being stupid, or hed call me slurs. and ontop of that, he would try and act nice after wards, ask for hugs and shit. and i couldnt fucking hug him, for the longest timeni couldnt hug or touch anybody, surprise surprise back to being raped and sexually assaulted. but he wouldnt fucking stop, "can i have a hug? hug me! im your dad!" after i said no multiple fucking times. i guess theres a pattern in most men and not accepting fucking no. and then hed get violent and hold me down and hit me or slapped me, calling me the r slur and other words.
and then i guess all of this made me how i am, most of my teenage years was spent cutting myself and trying to kill myself but being so fucking scared that i didnt do enough to fully die, or i chickened out. but i guess im done being a fucking pussy, i want to die and i hope i die, i just want eeveyrthing to fucking stop. apart of me hopes reincarnation is real, apart of me hopes it fucking isnt because if something as shitty as this happens again im gonna pick a fucking fight with whatever deity, if there is one, exists.
yapathon over now i guess ! ! i dont know what compelled me to write this, this is more than ive told my thousands of therapists but i guess the fact im gonna die gets rid of the fear of judgement. if u read all of this stupid ass fucking rant, thanks i guess, try n be stronger than me i guess.
