Venting More than a year of trying to recover and still wishing my attempt had worked

[mossball]

I've regretted it so much and it pains me and if only I could be dead just by willing it I would already be. I'm living for one other person and under constant watch and surveillance. But I love this person and I don't want to cause them grief.

Still, I can't do this anymore. I can't see the point in being alive. I can't see why people pretend that killing myself is not a logical thing to do. I wish I could go back in time to when I was hospitalized and scream my head off, jump every doctor that shamed me publicly and infantilized me; instead, I was lethargic, lethargic and bewildered that these people actually treated me like that.

Then getting diagnosed with autism. It fit so well and it made so much sense. But I was so angry that my needs were neglected my whole life and I only find this out when I'm an adult. I don't have the fucking tools or will to deal with anything anymore and I've never had. I've been belittled and mocked and felt disconnect ever since I was a child and I don't have it in me anymore. I was always angry and then I actually tried and now I just can't do it anymore.

Being a brazilian, bisexual and autistic woman and having to sit with my parents this weekend to hear every vile thing they say. Being afraid of disagreeing because they talk about beating and shooting down people like me. But they know I'm not straight. They knew one girlfriend of mine. Why do you joke about killing people like me to my face and pretend you never tried to make me homeless? And then guilt me for trying to kill myself, calling me ungrateful?

I spent this year burying my head in the sand and muddling my thoughts with my hyperfixations and all the medications. But I'm so done. I try to sleep at night and I can't. I can't make myself want to get something to eat. But I have to pretend because I'm visiting family. When I'm back on my own again in two weeks, though, I don't know how I'll even get out of bed. I can't even see myself making it to the end of the year. Ever since my suicide attempt failed, only horrible things have happened to me.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing can certainly be tiring and painful, and it does sound like you have suffered a lot. It really is such an awful world filled with all this endless cruelty and I understand that when life gets worse it really can be so dreadful. If only dying is as easy as just wishing to be gone then that would be ideal, but unfortunately that is not the reality. I do hope that you find the freedom that you are looking for.

 

[S like suicide]

You don't know how much I am regretting my perfect suicide attempt last year .... when it will happen the second time I will make sure I don't fail

 

[HateMyPointlessLife]

Life really is cruel. I can relate. Everytime I've failed in the past it's made things worse. I have numerous extra health problems due to injuries sustained from past attempts. And it's made life even more hellish. I have to make sure I don't fail next time. I wish so much that one of my many previous attempts had been successful. I hate being alive so much. And now I barely have the energy to get up at all every day, or eat. And have to deal with constant physical pain, as well as mental pain. I really hope I'm gone soon.

 

[makethepainstop]

Tried and failed many times. Still regretting all of those failures.

 

[Angi]

Same here. I am in a much better place now than when I almost jumped the line, but I still very much wish I had died. I do try to get better, but existing just hurts so much.

 

[Obliviate]

People like us aren't welcomed in this world unfortunately. It hurts too much. I've already endured so much abuse and discrimination, there's only so much a human being can take before they crack