Moments of Clarity

[Wisdom3_1-9]

It happened again this morning. I was in the shower just thinking about my life. I came, once again, to the unnerving realization that there was no other option for me. I had to die. No matter how much I wanted to try to make things work; no matter how much I wanted to spare the feelings of others... the only path to true peace for me is death. Even if all my stressful life situations turned around magically, it wouldn't solve the core problem of my existence.

I cried for several minutes over this realization. It wasn't the first time I'd had it. But I was struck at how clear my thoughts were and how convinced I was that I needed to go through with ctb no matter the cost. If I had been ready to do it there and then, I would have. But it seems that the days I "plan," I'm not really in the mindset to go all the way.

I wonder what it means to experience this clarity just periodically. Will I ever get to the point where I always feel that? Do any of you experience these moments, or something similar?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I read this and I was troubled by the unnerving, clear revelation.

I remembered something I read a long time ago, I don't recall the source. In essence, it said that sometimes what's right is messy and uncertain, not clear.

The core problem of your existence is what stands out to me as in need of addressing, not ending it but listening to it and giving it empathy and compassion. The antidote to shame is empathy, and it seems to me that shame would be a logical root to a core problem of existence.

What do you think?

 

[Sarahlynn]

I have these moments as well, just wrote about it in another thread! I do not know if it can be a permanent state though. But it feels very good to have them.

I know that I occasionally get these moments, and I know that I will CTB in a while. Started cleaning up my stuff and writing letters so that when I have the next moment, I will be ready.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I read this and I was troubled by the unnerving, clear revelation.

I remembered something I read a long time ago, I don't recall the source. In essence, it said that sometimes what's right is messy and uncertain, not clear.

The core problem of your existence is what stands out to me as in need of addressing, not ending it but listening to it and giving it empathy and compassion. The antidote to shame is empathy, and it seems to me that shame would be a logical root to a core problem of existence.

What do you think?

I agree that shame is at the root. But what if empathy is unavailable?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I agree that shame is at the root. But what if empathy is unavailable?

Empathy is availability from other members, and from yourself. If it's not yet available from yourself, you can practice it, and you can use the examples you get from others.

 

[reareq]

Incidentally, I woke up feeling very empty today. Not sad, just empty. Like there's nothing for me here. And I just knew at that moment that nothing I or anyone else do will be able to fill that void. So I did some online shopping that would put my plan to ctb in motion.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i thought i was the only one who felt this way. no matter what i do, i always feel... stuck, and to me, ctb seems like the only option. i can't imagine living like this for the rest of my life. it's not a matter of i want to do, it's that i have to die.

 

[almostnohopeleft.]

Hi this is a random question but how do you make a new post? Sorry to crash your thread lol, but I've been trying to figure it out and I can't. Also, my isse is the moments of clarity I have, when I act on them I feel so much better, but my moments of clarity are about finding a way out. The only thing stopping me is...my parents and my emotional support system which is lacking at the moment. But yes the flip side of that clarity is knowing if that way out isn't going to happen, I'm considering other options. Because nobody should have to live a single day unable to be themselves.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I find this a lot too. I think about the future and it hits me that, realistically, I cannot live any kind of good life. Any life I want to live is going to take massive compromise with that I can do because of my mental problems.