Story Mom makes me want to self harm

[Baron]

I am going to move away from my mom to study at uni starting in october.I told her today that I probably won't get a place in the uni dorms until next year and wen't back to my room. Then she bursts into my room lecturing me about something that doesnt matter to me at all and then continuing when I tell her to stop. Only leaving me alone after I tell her to leave for 10 times. And then I get the urge to cut myself and I did. A couple minutes my mom bursts into my room again wanting to talk about something that this time at least is relevant but It's late and I want to rest and she only leaves me again after I tell her for a minute straight to leave me alone and then she is pissed about it and kinda curses me while walking away. Now I got again an even stronger desire to cut myself, to even cut my thighs as much as I could. And I did cut my thighs so much that my underwear can now barely cover the scars. I realized over the past years, that nowadays I almost only cut myself or get the urge to do so after my mom talks to me. I wonder why. She is my mom and I love her, I think? At least I appreciate her taking care of me and supporting me. But still her voice, her tone, the way she talks (espesially when she is triggered) makes me want to cut myself so hard I often cannot resist it. And obviously I cant tell her this, so the only thing I can say to her when I dont want to hear her to leave me alone. I am a person who is mentally conflicted about cointless things, but this, even compared to the other things I do, seems so abnormal. Why does my mom trigger my self harm desire? And now again she is calm and talks to me in a suthing voice and It still makes me want to cut myself. But now I cut myself twice already today and I am so calmed by it so I wont do it again today. I feel so weird, like I am not a normal human, instead some kind of messy disaster that has failed everything they could fail. Thank you for reading this messy story/vent. I just had to express myself in some way and this site is the way for me

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry, my mother sucks too and engenders the same kinds of feelings. Hopefully by moving away you can start a new life being able to set the terms of the relationship.

 

[Baron]

I'm sorry, my mother sucks too and engenders the same kinds of feelings. Hopefully by moving away you can start a new life being able to set the terms of the relationship.

The thing that confuses me the most is that my mom doesnt suck. She is great and she does so much for me, I wouldnt want a dofferent one. But even when doing typical mom things or nice things I get these feelings. Somehow I have developed some kind of mechanism that just makes me want to cut myself when she speaks to me.

 

[lita-lassi]

im not calling her evil or terrible by any means but i think you should go low contact or possibly none for a time when you start uni. something is clearly wrong if she wont respect your desires to be left alone and continues to harass you and SOMEthing is driving you to self harm just from the interactions? something deeper and more sinister is at play from your description. it may be your age or lack of outside experience with the world, but i have a feeling if you spend time away from her influence and get an outside perspective on her behavior, how she talks to you, what your interactions inspire within you, talk to a counselor about how you and her interact, you may learn some deeper behavioral/psychological meanings behind how your family dynamics have impacted you both and the root of why you feel the need to self harm just from talking. im so sorry you feel this way

 

[lacrimosa]

My mom is definitely toxic but she's done a lot for me so I have very mixed feelings towards her. On one hand I know she loves me but on the other, she talks shit to me and puts me down. For example, today, I offered to water the garden and she said no, I'll do it myself because I want it done right... As if I don't know how to water a garden... FML.

Oh, and to the OP, sorry that your mom isn't giving you your space or is invasive like that. That's a tough row to hoe...

 

[s1llyg1rl]

The thing that confuses me the most is that my mom doesnt suck. She is great and she does so much for me, I wouldnt want a dofferent one. But even when doing typical mom things or nice things I get these feelings. Somehow I have developed some kind of mechanism that just makes me want to cut myself when she speaks to me.

i dont think i've related to smth more before tbh. my mum doesnt particularly 'suck' and she does her best to take care of me and understand me, yet every time she does, it never ends well. she's always so close to understanding me, but never quite there, and we end up getting heated over the same shit over and over again, and i end up hating myself for it. idk its weird

 

[cryptoinvestor]

The thing that confuses me the most is that my mom doesnt suck. She is great and she does so much for me, I wouldnt want a dofferent one. But even when doing typical mom things or nice things I get these feelings. Somehow I have developed some kind of mechanism that just makes me want to cut myself when she speaks to me.

Your feelings are valid. Maybe your mum is covert? This is always harder to spot.

 

[Grimpoteuthis]

i dont think i've related to smth more before tbh. my mum doesnt particularly 'suck' and she does her best to take care of me and understand me, yet every time she does, it never ends well. she's always so close to understanding me, but never quite there, and we end up getting heated over the same shit over and over again, and i end up hating myself for it. idk its weird

Yeah I can relate too. Rationally I know that my parents "do not suck" and want the best for me, but I used to be driven crazy by them during my teenage years because how blissfully ignorant, emotionally immature, and unconsciously hurtful they are. Family that you do not choose is truly a gamble and sometimes you just have to cope with the fact that it is going to be a lifelong battle for your mutually colliding values/lifestyles/beliefs/worldview alongside with the constantly alternating feeling of guilt and love.