achingthroat
New Member
- Jan 20, 2026
- 4
How do I start this off. My head aches and the pressure I feel in my forehead hurts, it feel like a tense pressure squeezing my head. I think I've worn my headphones on for too long that it eases the tension if I take them off but I enjoy this music it's fitting. I can't form tears anymore and I'm dealing with the aftermath of painful sobs and heartache.
I miss my friend the only one I had. It was an online friend but those phone calls, exchanged messages and videos were a great time. What happened? I can't tell anyone that I've been hurting so much over a boy because I truly have no one to talk to about it. They're not like me, driven to months of depression unlike me they're okay. I have a feeling that he was distancing himself from me ever since I found out he was talking to a girl. I kinda had a feeling about it but I really didn't want it to be true and the pit in my stomach left me feeling shaken since then. I'd be lying if I said I didn't form any feelings for him, but I don't want to ever date him. I want things to go back how they used to be. He had mentioned he used to have a crush on me in the very beginning which would have been winter of 2023 and that when he saw my face on my pfp that he had found me pretty cute. It made me smile, but it also made me sad, I was hoping he'd never say that he was glad he got over it. When I look back to the songs he send me I remember listening to the lyrics and trying to not take the possible signals as legit, but the more I listened to the songs and recalled what our friendship was like during that period I can't help but see a connection that he may have been sending signals my way, I mean it really matches our situation. I ignored it every time because it couldn't possibly be about me. Part of me knows or hopes that he still had a thing for me last summer. But I keep things platonic but it hurts more when it's platonic because our love for our friendship somehow felt deeper in that manner. He once said he loved me, but platonically he quickly added. I never said I love you first for the fear of how it would be interpreted. Of course I said I love you back, but it made me sad having to say those words because to be told that I am loved hurts. Hurts because love is scary, because I've been alone for so long, scared to have a friend that is meaningful. You love me? Me?
He would say I was pretty cool and amazing and that he was in awe from how passionate my voice sounded when I talked about whatever was making me excited. He would often call me during the afternoon when he got off work. My heart sank every time he called from the anxiety and also from excitement. I miss his midwestern/southern accent he had, his witty humor, the optimism, the openness, the reassurance, and how he made me feel. I felt seen and I had my fallouts here and then but they never got that bad, but just bad where he could chime in to my life and lift my spirits up. The way he called out my name after every sentence. The inside jokes we shared. The exchange of music and interests. Just how he would call without a worry knowing I would mostly picky up every time until I didn't. I started saying what felt like excuses that I was busy, or that I wasn't on my phone. Sometimes that was the case but for the very most part they were excuses to not pick up. I felt guilty for not picking up, but I was becoming anxious and started thinking this wasn't for me. I couldn't allow myself to have such a person around since in reality I was an ugly girl who was too anxious to turn on her camera. I hate it. I wish I was pretty because then we probably would have been still talking. I would have turned on my camera and we could have connected deeper. He even mentioned wanting my address in order to send me stuff. I was excited and felt warm at the thought but also in the back of my mind I was insecure about showing him where I lived and him finding out who I possibly was.
I want to have the same carefree resilient energy he carried. I was only able to mimic it. I was never the one to call him first because I didn't wanna bother him since I knew he was busy with work or he was either working out or something. It was summer so all I pretty much did was stay home. He said he saw himself in me. He mentioned that a few times. I still wonder what it was. It's been around 5 months now that we properly held a conversation and since I received a call.
I tried to Merry Christmas my way back to his life and how things were but deep down I knew it would be both bad if he said something or that if he didn't because the truth is I wanted to die, but unlike other times this time I felt scared about dying. That this couldn't mark my end and that there was surely better things out there for me in the future. I hate it. He brought hope and a glimpse of what I could feel and have if not for my depression and other circumstances. Back to Christmas, he never said anything but only viewed my message and would only like my reposts on TikTok and those gave me hope that we were in good terms. Is this was ghosting is? Am I at fault in this too for not reaching out sooner even though I had mentioned being suicidal? Maybe I should've tried to out first after a while of no contact? He tends to not remember things and I know more details about him in the top of my head than he does about me and tbh it makes me feel sad, but that's what happens when you have a fried brain from weed, right? My birthday was somewhat recent now this February 13th. I was kinda hoping he'd remember and send me a happy birthday text, I mean if he's on snap he can see my birthday pop up and maybe he wasn't on snap? Maybe he thinks it's best to not reach out to me first and he's waiting for me to be the one to do so?
Anyways, his birthday is coming up in March and I've been thinking if I should send him a Happy birthday text or try to chat with him before his birthday so it doesn't seem like I only reached out because it's his birthday. Maybe my text on his birthday would ruin his day? But if he responded and things were going to go back like how it kinda used to be that would be kind bad because after so long I would have to show my face to him eventually and how can I chat with him when he asks about me it's just some depressing shit because that's the honest truth I am struggling and sometimes I feel ok. I wish I could go back to the summer where I was bubbly and full of life and it was just us. Although, that horrible depressive state I felt during November is over, I still feel just not as bad maybe it's worse because I have to carry on. What should I do? I'm stuck. I dreamed about it last night, that he had send me a text like nothing ever happened and things retuned to normalcy.
I miss my friend the only one I had. It was an online friend but those phone calls, exchanged messages and videos were a great time. What happened? I can't tell anyone that I've been hurting so much over a boy because I truly have no one to talk to about it. They're not like me, driven to months of depression unlike me they're okay. I have a feeling that he was distancing himself from me ever since I found out he was talking to a girl. I kinda had a feeling about it but I really didn't want it to be true and the pit in my stomach left me feeling shaken since then. I'd be lying if I said I didn't form any feelings for him, but I don't want to ever date him. I want things to go back how they used to be. He had mentioned he used to have a crush on me in the very beginning which would have been winter of 2023 and that when he saw my face on my pfp that he had found me pretty cute. It made me smile, but it also made me sad, I was hoping he'd never say that he was glad he got over it. When I look back to the songs he send me I remember listening to the lyrics and trying to not take the possible signals as legit, but the more I listened to the songs and recalled what our friendship was like during that period I can't help but see a connection that he may have been sending signals my way, I mean it really matches our situation. I ignored it every time because it couldn't possibly be about me. Part of me knows or hopes that he still had a thing for me last summer. But I keep things platonic but it hurts more when it's platonic because our love for our friendship somehow felt deeper in that manner. He once said he loved me, but platonically he quickly added. I never said I love you first for the fear of how it would be interpreted. Of course I said I love you back, but it made me sad having to say those words because to be told that I am loved hurts. Hurts because love is scary, because I've been alone for so long, scared to have a friend that is meaningful. You love me? Me?
He would say I was pretty cool and amazing and that he was in awe from how passionate my voice sounded when I talked about whatever was making me excited. He would often call me during the afternoon when he got off work. My heart sank every time he called from the anxiety and also from excitement. I miss his midwestern/southern accent he had, his witty humor, the optimism, the openness, the reassurance, and how he made me feel. I felt seen and I had my fallouts here and then but they never got that bad, but just bad where he could chime in to my life and lift my spirits up. The way he called out my name after every sentence. The inside jokes we shared. The exchange of music and interests. Just how he would call without a worry knowing I would mostly picky up every time until I didn't. I started saying what felt like excuses that I was busy, or that I wasn't on my phone. Sometimes that was the case but for the very most part they were excuses to not pick up. I felt guilty for not picking up, but I was becoming anxious and started thinking this wasn't for me. I couldn't allow myself to have such a person around since in reality I was an ugly girl who was too anxious to turn on her camera. I hate it. I wish I was pretty because then we probably would have been still talking. I would have turned on my camera and we could have connected deeper. He even mentioned wanting my address in order to send me stuff. I was excited and felt warm at the thought but also in the back of my mind I was insecure about showing him where I lived and him finding out who I possibly was.
I want to have the same carefree resilient energy he carried. I was only able to mimic it. I was never the one to call him first because I didn't wanna bother him since I knew he was busy with work or he was either working out or something. It was summer so all I pretty much did was stay home. He said he saw himself in me. He mentioned that a few times. I still wonder what it was. It's been around 5 months now that we properly held a conversation and since I received a call.
I tried to Merry Christmas my way back to his life and how things were but deep down I knew it would be both bad if he said something or that if he didn't because the truth is I wanted to die, but unlike other times this time I felt scared about dying. That this couldn't mark my end and that there was surely better things out there for me in the future. I hate it. He brought hope and a glimpse of what I could feel and have if not for my depression and other circumstances. Back to Christmas, he never said anything but only viewed my message and would only like my reposts on TikTok and those gave me hope that we were in good terms. Is this was ghosting is? Am I at fault in this too for not reaching out sooner even though I had mentioned being suicidal? Maybe I should've tried to out first after a while of no contact? He tends to not remember things and I know more details about him in the top of my head than he does about me and tbh it makes me feel sad, but that's what happens when you have a fried brain from weed, right? My birthday was somewhat recent now this February 13th. I was kinda hoping he'd remember and send me a happy birthday text, I mean if he's on snap he can see my birthday pop up and maybe he wasn't on snap? Maybe he thinks it's best to not reach out to me first and he's waiting for me to be the one to do so?
Anyways, his birthday is coming up in March and I've been thinking if I should send him a Happy birthday text or try to chat with him before his birthday so it doesn't seem like I only reached out because it's his birthday. Maybe my text on his birthday would ruin his day? But if he responded and things were going to go back like how it kinda used to be that would be kind bad because after so long I would have to show my face to him eventually and how can I chat with him when he asks about me it's just some depressing shit because that's the honest truth I am struggling and sometimes I feel ok. I wish I could go back to the summer where I was bubbly and full of life and it was just us. Although, that horrible depressive state I felt during November is over, I still feel just not as bad maybe it's worse because I have to carry on. What should I do? I'm stuck. I dreamed about it last night, that he had send me a text like nothing ever happened and things retuned to normalcy.
