Venting Missed my damn bus last night.

[Konjac]

Drinking and self harm aren't a good mix. What started as idk... a regular cutting session turned into hitting an artery. I don't remember much but my mum was woken up by my music and walked in to see me slumped over bleeding out. I didn't even feel the pain, I just felt at peace, watching the blood squirt out lmao. I didn't mean to go so deep, but I mean, I didn't exactly have any complaints either. But next thing I know I'm in an ambulance, full sirens blasting. I remember being like If she hadn't have woken up, chances are I would've bled out. I'm filled with so much regret over being found... I could be out of my misery but instead I'm basically on suicide watch, waiting for fucking arm surgery.

Praying to whatever gods are out there that my SN arrives soon. My situation's getting dire now aha.

 

[dropdeadfred]

I didn't even feel the pain, I just felt at peace, watching the blood squirt out lmao.

Spoken like a true masochist.

 

[Nimbus]

Drinking and self harm aren't a good mix. What started as idk... a regular cutting session turned into hitting an artery. I don't remember much but my mum was woken up by my music and walked in to see me slumped over bleeding out. I didn't even feel the pain, I just felt at peace, watching the blood squirt out lmao. I didn't mean to go so deep, but I mean, I didn't exactly have any complaints either. But next thing I know I'm in an ambulance, full sirens blasting. I remember being like If she hadn't have woken up, chances are I would've bled out. I'm filled with so much regret over being found... I could be out of my misery but instead I'm basically on suicide watch, waiting for fucking arm surgery.

Praying to whatever gods are out there that my SN arrives soon. My situation's getting dire now aha.

I'm so sorry it happened this way. I hope you can find some peace soon. Maybe you weren't quite ready.

 

[Moon Flower]

I'm sorry that happened to you. Do you already have everything else you need for sn?

 

[Umbrellaterm]

Like I said, parents are evil incarnate.

Don't do that again though, you can end up a vegetable.

 

[Meditation guide]

Spoken like a true masochist.

I don't think it's about that. Or at least as I understand it.

 

[grungeCat]

I'm sorry things turned out this way. I have a bad feeling they won't let you out for a while :( I feel deeply sorry as I know how cruel health service workers can be in terms of self-harm. Once my sister called an ambulance when I cut myself. Medical workers were treating me like a scum, making fun of me and being simply mean. I hope they won't be so harsh on you!

 

[elfgyoza]

I don't think it's about that. Or at least as I understand it.

It's possible, I think. One of my reasons for self harming is to see the blood and I also find it kinda peaceful, sounds like masochism, but I don't view that as a negative, just a way of coping. Ofc only OP can really know themselves.

Hope surgery goes okay @kujocel <3

 

[Meditation guide]

One of my reasons for self harming is to see the blood and I also find it kinda peaceful, sounds like masochism

It depends on how you define masochism. Maybe it is. I thought masochism was about getting turned on sexually.
I think in your case it's something else such as borderline. That's different.

 

[elfgyoza]

It depends on how you define masochism. Maybe it is. I thought masochism was about getting turned on sexually.
I think in your case it's something else such as borderline. That's different.

Oops... just googled it and you're right. I wasn't aware that sexual gratification was included in the definition
I'm asexual though so idek if I'm capable of feeling that lol

 

[dropdeadfred]

Yes... masochism has several different definitions. I have non-sexual masochistic tendencies such as OP.

 

[Meditation guide]

I'm asexual though so idek if I'm capable of feeling that lol

That interests me. You sound interesting.
Anyone who self harms by cutting generally can be labeled (I hate labels sorry, just telling what happens) as borderline personality disorder.

 

[elfgyoza]

That interests me. You sound interesting.
Anyone who self harms by cutting generally can be labeled (I hate labels sorry, just telling what happens) as borderline personality disorder.

Thanks (I think..? haha)
I've noticed online that a large proportion of those with bpd also self harm, although that may be biased idk. I don't have bpd myself though, I'm just an existentially suffering autistic person trying to escape the never ending feelings of emptiness :)

 

[dropdeadfred]

Thanks (I think..? haha)
I've noticed online that a large proportion of those with bpd also self harm, although that may be biased idk. I don't have bpd myself though, I'm just an existentially suffering autistic person trying to escape the never ending feelings of emptiness :)

I believe I have undiagnosed BPD, but I think I would still be drawn to self harm anyway.