breadliker123
The world's most marvelous girl
- Mar 24, 2025
- 22
Warning for intrusive thoughts? I don't know what to call them, but they can get gruesome.
Every day that passes I can feel myself getting radicalized more and more by these thoughts that keep drowning my mind.
Logically I know there is no difference between genders, logically I believe we should stop focusing on gender at all. But whenever I stop enough to think about it, I feel this awful hatred towards any men I see breathing. I am not even exaggerating when I say that my first thought when I see one smile is "you should be castrated"
I keep thinking about genitals and societal norms and injustice and I feel so angry and so sad because these are not my feelings but this is my head producing them
I believe in equality and not resentment. I don't want to generalize. I know not all of them are abusers or rapists or killers, but my mind only pulls the worst of assumptions to the table when anyone gets near me.
I can feel myself failing to function because of this prejudices. I can't go out because I'm scared I'll lash out and hurt someone. I keep skipping classes that have to many males in them because I'm scared I'll start yelling and tell every single one of them that I'm just as worthy of being there as they are.
I feel like a stupid incel writing this, even though all my chances with men have only not worked because I keep sabotaging myself because I'm scared I'll physically hurt them.
I can't stop thinking about mutilation and torture and abusing them. I'm scared I'll some day lose myself and not be able to hold back.
Last time I tried to go was exactly beautiful of this, except my reason was worse because I kept doubting myself over this same dilema but with children! In my mind.
I am only telling this here because I don't trust my journal to hold this and I can't say it out loud. But I feel like Im a danger to others.
I used to hurt myself to hold back, but that has been taken away from me. Now I just live being as careful as I can and trying to find a gap so I can get rid of myself as soon as possible. I swear I'm a better person, but I just can't trust my head anymore. Impulse control is something I've always prided myself in, but as every day passes I feel like Iosing more grasp of my own body.
I swear on my life I'll never hurt anyone but myself, but this is getting exhausting. I just wish the people around me realized my awfulness and let me go already
Every day that passes I can feel myself getting radicalized more and more by these thoughts that keep drowning my mind.
Logically I know there is no difference between genders, logically I believe we should stop focusing on gender at all. But whenever I stop enough to think about it, I feel this awful hatred towards any men I see breathing. I am not even exaggerating when I say that my first thought when I see one smile is "you should be castrated"
I keep thinking about genitals and societal norms and injustice and I feel so angry and so sad because these are not my feelings but this is my head producing them
I believe in equality and not resentment. I don't want to generalize. I know not all of them are abusers or rapists or killers, but my mind only pulls the worst of assumptions to the table when anyone gets near me.
I can feel myself failing to function because of this prejudices. I can't go out because I'm scared I'll lash out and hurt someone. I keep skipping classes that have to many males in them because I'm scared I'll start yelling and tell every single one of them that I'm just as worthy of being there as they are.
I feel like a stupid incel writing this, even though all my chances with men have only not worked because I keep sabotaging myself because I'm scared I'll physically hurt them.
I can't stop thinking about mutilation and torture and abusing them. I'm scared I'll some day lose myself and not be able to hold back.
Last time I tried to go was exactly beautiful of this, except my reason was worse because I kept doubting myself over this same dilema but with children! In my mind.
I am only telling this here because I don't trust my journal to hold this and I can't say it out loud. But I feel like Im a danger to others.
I used to hurt myself to hold back, but that has been taken away from me. Now I just live being as careful as I can and trying to find a gap so I can get rid of myself as soon as possible. I swear I'm a better person, but I just can't trust my head anymore. Impulse control is something I've always prided myself in, but as every day passes I feel like Iosing more grasp of my own body.
I swear on my life I'll never hurt anyone but myself, but this is getting exhausting. I just wish the people around me realized my awfulness and let me go already
