Venting might kill myself next week (blehhh i'm sillayyyy :P)

[monetpompo]

i'll be having a christmas party for one of my friends that are moving away, and that's when i'll be saying goodbye to my main friend group (aka 3 people lol). we've drifted apart a lot this year because of only 1 of us having a license and me dropping out of college because of depression/no transportation. me struggling to get my license has only made me more depressed and lose more hope. i haven't been very fun to talk to and when i'm not repressing the way i feel i just end up blowing up on people or freaking out and isolating because i don't know how to handle my emotions or stabilize myself. i'm sick of people who think they know better than me telling me i can pull through and get my license/go to college/accept my identity in spite of my internalized transphobia/get a job. like, when am i allowed to stop caring? when can i say, "i don't really give a fuck, my life is on a downward spiral anyways"? it's easier to kill myself near the end of the year. it's near christmas, but my family doesn't celebrate, so it doesn't really matter. i haven't made anymore partial attempts because i figure i'll have to force myself to do full suspension even though i get super freaked out.

these past 2 weeks into december have kind of solidified how unhappy i feel on a day to day basis. even if i'm going to these parties with friends that invited me because they wanted to see me, it's like, i'm still really sad all of the time. i feel really jealous and miserable when i look at/think of heterosexual or cis people, and i realize that's kind of what's fucking me up so bad. it's all coming up now. no one sees me as the gender i see myself as and no one wants to call me the pronouns i want to use. my sister and my trans friends call me he/him but even then i just don't pass to most people because my face and voice are too feminine for them to disconnect it. and i get it, i would think that i'm a girl too. but the more i think about it, the more distressed i get. no one will want to date me besides trans people and there's no trans people that even live in my area, because i live in suburban nowheretown. everything good is in the city. acceptance is in the city. happiness can only be found away from my family, but it'll take me years to afford moving out. i've had no job for all of my life and my parents aren't well off enough to pay for my apartment.

i like that i'm coming to terms with everything because i've been so upset and stressed lately by all this christmas nonsense. it's like the ideal of being a heterosexual ("normal") person is being waved in my face with these dumb love songs. if i was cis, i could be straight, and then i could date straight guys without hating myself. but i'm not cis or straight. it's all wrong. i don't think trans people as a whole are wrong or bad, i just feel upset that no one around me is capable of seeing what i want to be. gay guys are transphobic and straight guys are chasers. i hate myself a lot and don't want to leave my house because i feel like no one is even capable of loving me. it doesn't matter if i was born cute looking, i just got groomed and then no one was attracted to me anymore when i became an adult because i'm too insecure. i wish i was a normal person. every day i wish i was a normal person and that i didn't want to tear myself apart for being my "mother's daughter". i can't help but misgender myself because i'm still closeted. i don't tell anyone because i feel like no one will even take me seriously. no one sees me as a man. i just wish i would give up on wanting to have an identity beyond the name my mom gave me and these chromosomes that gave me a high voice.

i pray to god i have the courage to kill myself soon. i can't keep waking up feeling so sad and angry. it's not a good life to live. there's no way out. i feel too sad and small. i wish i was a cis man. the thought is killing me. no one wants to date me when i'm some gross half-boy half-girl thing. i hate that i can't even find people willing to have sex with me anymore because i'm scared of attachment and i'm scared of being fetishized. i'm not sexy when my body parts are wrong.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Hii... There are likely some people who'd likely date u even before transition is complete, tho not sure how much more trial and error is needed.
I didn't know that u had nasty encounters with creeps online, it's concerning that an alt I made got unsolicited "show your face pic" message, just because the name and pfp looked slightly female (the intention was to protect my server from harassment, and it probably did help... diverting creeps away from real users)

 

[monetpompo]

There are likely some people who'd likely date u even before transition is complete, tho not sure how much more trial and error is needed

only straight guys and lesbians want to date me and it's pissing me off. i only have bad situationships that feel like i'm being damned to hell. i also need to do more personal work to date since i'm feeling so bad every day. it's kind of tiring to have people tell me i can find someone to date me when guys only want to have a het relationship with me because they don't see me as a man. i know you don't mean it like that, but people saying i'm "still dateable" or "am pretty" don't help when i don't feel lovable or likable. i can definitely get guys interested in my body but my personality isn't good enough. i'm funny and cute but i go into depressive spirals all the time. people like to hone in on how i look good and it makes me feel like guys would only like me if they don't know me. sorry if i sound aggressive, i'm just frustrated.

I didn't know that u had nasty encounters with creeps online, it's concerning that an alt I made got unsolicited "show your face pic" message, just because the name and pfp looked slightly female

tbh i sought out grooming by talking to older guys. then i sought it out again on grindr. i liked feeling wanted and i knew that i could be wanted if i did what they said. i don't get many unsoliticed dms. when i was sleeping around (quit forever ago), guys would say creepy stuff and whatever, but i think that i miss being fetishized because i feel so alone. it's a bad feeling. it's how my groomers thought about me. i'm not as online (don't have social media and not active in any discord servers), and i'm generally very private about my personal life since i'm worried about people i talked to online finding me again. interacting with creeps fed my ego.

 

[Blueberry Panic]

I'm so sorry for your struggle , being trans as well as gay is extremely hard in most spaces.
I'm trans mtf and bi and most of the time I'd just end up I'm t4t relationships because no one else ever sees me as ... me.

But t4t relationships always get me super overly attached and end up making me emotionally worse after.
I get wanting to ctb because of your situation and I'm sorry you've been having issues with relationships for so long .

 

[monetpompo]

But t4t relationships always get me super overly attached and end up making me emotionally worse after.

this is what i'm saying. or i'm not even attracted to other person but i just really want to bond with someone because my identity makes me feel so lonely. i'm so desperate that i will literally have sex with anybody to make them like me. codependent relationships make me want to tear myself apart because i'm so afraid but i feel so good in the moment. it sucks when any relationship ends but i feel even worse when it was with someone that understood "me" and accepted "me". cis people don't get what i'm talking about when i talk about how disconnected i feel from both genders. it's been like this since i was young. i mentally clock out when i think about how i want to be perceived because i don't want to be seen as "trans weirdo that doesn't fit in" or "butch lesbian looking girl". i feel so fucked societally.

it sucks to be a lonely and self-hating trans person. there's so many trans people on sasu and while i like the trans community here i'm incredibly wary of getting close to anyone because i would keep having codependant relationships even on here. and i just kept on thinking to myself, "what's wrong with me? why do i need someone so badly?". i don't know. it feels good to replace all my bad thoughts with somebody i want to like me or talk to me all the time. i'm usually the cold one or the one constantly wanting attention. i'm fearful avoidant, so i get stressed if i'm too close to someone so i expect the relationship to end, but i'll also die if the relationship ends because i'll be alone again.

 

[Blueberry Panic]

this is what i'm saying. or i'm not even attracted to other person but i just really want to bond with someone because my identity makes me feel so lonely. i'm so desperate that i will literally have sex with anybody to make them like me. codependent relationships make me want to tear myself apart because i'm so afraid but i feel so good in the moment. it sucks when any relationship ends but i feel even worse when it was with someone that understood "me" and accepted "me". cis people don't get what i'm talking about when i talk about how disconnected i feel from both genders. it's been like this since i was young. i mentally clock out when i think about how i want to be perceived because i don't want to be seen as "trans weirdo that doesn't fit in" or "butch lesbian looking girl". i feel so fucked societally.

it sucks to be a lonely and self-hating trans person. there's so many trans people on sasu and while i like the trans community here i'm incredibly wary of getting close to anyone because i would keep having codependant relationships even on here. and i just kept on thinking to myself, "what's wrong with me? why do i need someone so badly?". i don't know. it feels good to replace all my bad thoughts with somebody i want to like me or talk to me all the time. i'm usually the cold one or the one constantly wanting attention. i'm fearful avoidant, so i get stressed if i'm too close to someone so i expect the relationship to end, but i'll also die if the relationship ends because i'll be alone again.

When your identity already feels unstable and misrecognized, another person becomes an anchor. Not because they're special, but because they make the noise stop for a moment. Of course you'd cling to that.
The codependency isn't about love or sex. It's about borrowing a self. When someone understands you without translation, they temporarily hold together pieces you're exhausted from holding alone. Losing them doesn't just hurt, it collapses the structure you were leaning on.
So you pre-grieve, brace, detach, and still shatter when it ends. That loop isn't a flaw. It's attachment mixed with chronic loneliness....I have all of these same issues.
Cis people usually don't get the specific dislocation of being trans and not fitting either side cleanly. That constant "nowhere" feeling makes connection feel like survival, not preference.
Nothing is wrong with you for needing someone. What's wrong is that you've had to use relationships as anesthesia for your own self-hatred you obviously don't deserve to give to yourself.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Well I like you regardless of if you'd have sex with me.

Also I get the misgendering thing, it happens to me too.

I also think that you shouldn't self-harm by sleeping with hetero men...they clearly don't see you as a dude.

And society's expectations clearly don't help that, they were fetishizing the person you are not. And fetishizing is not love or affection either way. But many people have groomed Gen Z to think that. I loathe these people for this.

Hugs

 

[EmptyBottle]

only straight guys and lesbians want to date me and it's pissing me off. i only have bad situationships that feel like i'm being damned to hell. i also need to do more personal work to date since i'm feeling so bad every day. it's kind of tiring to have people tell me i can find someone to date me when guys only want to have a het relationship with me because they don't see me as a man. i know you don't mean it like that, but people saying i'm "still dateable" or "am pretty" don't help when i don't feel lovable or likable. i can definitely get guys interested in my body but my personality isn't good enough. i'm funny and cute but i go into depressive spirals all the time. people like to hone in on how i look good and it makes me feel like guys would only like me if they don't know me. sorry if i sound aggressive, i'm just frustrated.


tbh i sought out grooming by talking to older guys. then i sought it out again on grindr. i liked feeling wanted and i knew that i could be wanted if i did what they said. i don't get many unsoliticed dms. when i was sleeping around (quit forever ago), guys would say creepy stuff and whatever, but i think that i miss being fetishized because i feel so alone. it's a bad feeling. it's how my groomers thought about me. i'm not as online (don't have social media and not active in any discord servers), and i'm generally very private about my personal life since i'm worried about people i talked to online finding me again. interacting with creeps fed my ego.

Thanks for letting me know to avoid advice on dating (I've not dated so I'm anyway not the best person for info on it).

It's alright, through reading posts from u, I think I understand the frustration.

As for the mood changes, I sadly am not an expert in that... no idea what affirmations, gratitute and other diaries, etc can do to limit unwanted emotions.

Even though u went to riskier online spaces, it probably was more for alleviating loneliness, at least at first (and then for validation, etc)

I have used deep web chats and met so many different types of users, from the nice, to the question-asking users, to less-than-nice, to just... random users.

PS: I also didn't use social media as often as the average user.

 

[kuroshimi]

Sorry for you struggle. Sadly, I can completely relate to it since I'm not interested it relationships of any kind.

I've never been in love, I don't even know what it's like. But kinda don't want to experience it(?). I don't care about that.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Sorry for you struggle. Sadly, I can completely relate to it since I'm not interested it relationships of any kind.

I've never been in love, I don't even know what it's like. But kinda don't want to experience it(?). I don't care about that.

I'm almost the same... I might have a faint idea of what it's like (tho from spending time with pets)... tho, yes... not that into experiencing it with a partner... partially coz of the risks I've read... and partially coz I am merely not interested.

 

[phantomt]

i'll be having a christmas party for one of my friends that are moving away, and that's when i'll be saying goodbye to my main friend group (aka 3 people lol). we've drifted apart a lot this year because of only 1 of us having a license and me dropping out of college because of depression/no transportation. me struggling to get my license has only made me more depressed and lose more hope. i haven't been very fun to talk to and when i'm not repressing the way i feel i just end up blowing up on people or freaking out and isolating because i don't know how to handle my emotions or stabilize myself. i'm sick of people who think they know better than me telling me i can pull through and get my license/go to college/accept my identity in spite of my internalized transphobia/get a job. like, when am i allowed to stop caring? when can i say, "i don't really give a fuck, my life is on a downward spiral anyways"? it's easier to kill myself near the end of the year. it's near christmas, but my family doesn't celebrate, so it doesn't really matter. i haven't made anymore partial attempts because i figure i'll have to force myself to do full suspension even though i get super freaked out.

these past 2 weeks into december have kind of solidified how unhappy i feel on a day to day basis. even if i'm going to these parties with friends that invited me because they wanted to see me, it's like, i'm still really sad all of the time. i feel really jealous and miserable when i look at/think of heterosexual or cis people, and i realize that's kind of what's fucking me up so bad. it's all coming up now. no one sees me as the gender i see myself as and no one wants to call me the pronouns i want to use. my sister and my trans friends call me he/him but even then i just don't pass to most people because my face and voice are too feminine for them to disconnect it. and i get it, i would think that i'm a girl too. but the more i think about it, the more distressed i get. no one will want to date me besides trans people and there's no trans people that even live in my area, because i live in suburban nowheretown. everything good is in the city. acceptance is in the city. happiness can only be found away from my family, but it'll take me years to afford moving out. i've had no job for all of my life and my parents aren't well off enough to pay for my apartment.

i like that i'm coming to terms with everything because i've been so upset and stressed lately by all this christmas nonsense. it's like the ideal of being a heterosexual ("normal") person is being waved in my face with these dumb love songs. if i was cis, i could be straight, and then i could date straight guys without hating myself. but i'm not cis or straight. it's all wrong. i don't think trans people as a whole are wrong or bad, i just feel upset that no one around me is capable of seeing what i want to be. gay guys are transphobic and straight guys are chasers. i hate myself a lot and don't want to leave my house because i feel like no one is even capable of loving me. it doesn't matter if i was born cute looking, i just got groomed and then no one was attracted to me anymore when i became an adult because i'm too insecure. i wish i was a normal person. every day i wish i was a normal person and that i didn't want to tear myself apart for being my "mother's daughter". i can't help but misgender myself because i'm still closeted. i don't tell anyone because i feel like no one will even take me seriously. no one sees me as a man. i just wish i would give up on wanting to have an identity beyond the name my mom gave me and these chromosomes that gave me a high voice.

i pray to god i have the courage to kill myself soon. i can't keep waking up feeling so sad and angry. it's not a good life to live. there's no way out. i feel too sad and small. i wish i was a cis man. the thought is killing me. no one wants to date me when i'm some gross half-boy half-girl thing. i hate that i can't even find people willing to have sex with me anymore because i'm scared of attachment and i'm scared of being fetishized. i'm not sexy when my body parts are wrong.

also closeted here holy shit i fucking feel you, its like no matter how many times i refer to myself as my identity it will never really feel like i am that and that i'd always be jealous of cis and hetero people. when people do refer to me as the pronouns i feel connected with it doesn't feel like i earned it at all. i wish i was just born cis and i wish that in the next life i get to be one. i wish i dont have to deal with all this next time.

anyway, sorry about this. i hope things go well for you in whatever path you choose.

 

[monetpompo]

also closeted here holy shit i fucking feel you, its like no matter how many times i refer to myself as my identity it will never really feel like i am that and that i'd always be jealous of cis and hetero people. when people do refer to me as the pronouns i feel connected with it doesn't feel like i earned it at all. i wish i was just born cis and i wish that in the next life i get to be one. i wish i dont have to deal with all this next time.

thank you a lot for leaving a comment for me. i don't want people to feel the same amount of misery as me, i just want people to read what i wrote and relate to it. i don't mean to bash on cis or hetero people but i feel like they literally can't conceptualize how isolated i feel as as a human being and how it feels to feel "wrong". i don't fit in with gay people because i'm the "wrong" gender and half of them haven't even talked to a trans person before, so it's "awkward". i'm literally a human being. why can't someone accommodate for another human being and what would make them feel comfortable, rather than them just doing what they see as the right way to gender me?

in a group of girls i'm a half-girl because i don't fit in enough and in a group of boys i'm a half-boy because i don't fit in enough there either. i want to be a cookie cutter fully assimilated stone slab of a person rather than whatever i am right now, because existing as a "quirky" or "unique" person is torture when all i want to do is be able to bond with and get close to others. i just want to be part of anyone's group. i'm always on the outliers societally and socially. i sound like some depressed zoomer to older folks but my life has just made me extremely sad and frustrated. if i was cis i could be liked by others, because i would fit into the gender binary.

sometimes i get jealous that people just get to live as the gender they "see themselves as", rather than thinking they're fucked up all the time. i get jealous when trans people pass more than me too or are further along in their transition, since i've been trapped at the start for ages. i'm such a toxic person. this is why i don't want to make any new friends, even if it would be good for me. it's just kind of gross how i'm competitive over everything because nothing makes me feel good about myself besides comparison.

again, i don't hate all cis people ever and i don't hate trans people either. something that's been making me really dysphoric lately is porn and how important gender norms and body standards are in it. i've always hated it because i'm prone to overanalyzing it or feeling jealous because i want to be apart of a gender binary that makes me an attractive girl or an attractive man. sexual conversations make me dysphoric because i feel like i can't participate in them as a man or a woman either. i feel really sad inside when trans people have partners because it makes me wonder if i'm just one of the "bad ones" that are too depressed that they're trans. being trans literally doesn't make me happy, but i'm closeted, so the people i know don't even see me as trans in the first place. it would just be me burying the hatchet and covering my deep shame.

i feel like a dysfunctional version of a woman. like i'm worse than a cis woman and not good enough to be a man. if reincarnation exists i would want to be a man, but i think that i would not want to be born at all. i used to hold a lot of resentment towards my mom for giving birth to me and that made me misogynistic in high school, but then i grew up and realized every older woman isn't my mom. i just kind of hate that i'm expected to get along with girls and always pair up with them because i'm "one of them". but girls will always pair up with girls they like more than me. everything is about groups and teams and if you're not in a group you cease to exist.

shit makes me stressed out

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

thank you a lot for leaving a comment for me. i don't want people to feel the same amount of misery as me, i just want people to read what i wrote and relate to it. i don't mean to bash on cis or hetero people but i feel like they literally can't conceptualize how isolated i feel as as a human being and how it feels to feel "wrong". i don't fit in with gay people because i'm the "wrong" gender and half of them haven't even talked to a trans person before, so it's "awkward". i'm literally a human being. why can't someone accommodate for another human being and what would make them feel comfortable, rather than them just doing what they see as the right way to gender me?

in a group of girls i'm a half-girl because i don't fit in enough and in a group of boys i'm a half-boy because i don't fit in enough there either. i want to be a cookie cutter fully assimilated stone slab of a person rather than whatever i am right now, because existing as a "quirky" or "unique" person is torture when all i want to do is be able to bond with and get close to others. i just want to be part of anyone's group. i'm always on the outliers societally and socially. i sound like some depressed zoomer to older folks but my life has just made me extremely sad and frustrated. if i was cis i could be liked by others, because i would fit into the gender binary.

sometimes i get jealous that people just get to live as the gender they "see themselves as", rather than thinking they're fucked up all the time. i get jealous when trans people pass more than me too or are further along in their transition, since i've been trapped at the start for ages. i'm such a toxic person. this is why i don't want to make any new friends, even if it would be good for me. it's just kind of gross how i'm competitive over everything because nothing makes me feel good about myself besides comparison.

again, i don't hate all cis people ever and i don't hate trans people either. something that's been making me really dysphoric lately is porn and how important gender norms and body standards are in it. i've always hated it because i'm prone to overanalyzing it or feeling jealous because i want to be apart of a gender binary that makes me an attractive girl or an attractive man. sexual conversations make me dysphoric because i feel like i can't participate in them as a man or a woman either. i feel really sad inside when trans people have partners because it makes me wonder if i'm just one of the "bad ones" that are too depressed that they're trans. being trans literally doesn't make me happy, but i'm closeted, so the people i know don't even see me as trans in the first place. it would just be me burying the hatchet and covering my deep shame.

i feel like a dysfunctional version of a woman. like i'm worse than a cis woman and not good enough to be a man. if reincarnation exists i would want to be a man, but i think that i would not want to be born at all. i used to hold a lot of resentment towards my mom for giving birth to me and that made me misogynistic in high school, but then i grew up and realized every older woman isn't my mom. i just kind of hate that i'm expected to get along with girls and always pair up with them because i'm "one of them". but girls will always pair up with girls they like more than me. everything is about groups and teams and if you're not in a group you cease to exist.

shit makes me stressed out

Not the person you replied to but I can give my take if you want to hear it, I'll put in under a spoiler so it doesn't take immense space.

Spoiler

You ain't a depressed zoomer, you're just someone born in a generation that doesn't understand people as people. I'll get to that later.

Honestly, the jealousy part...listen, you're not toxic for feeling jealous, transition is not something like insulin (bad fucking example) where it's handed to every diabetic person and you're right to feel jealous and frustrated knowing that some people had families that allowed them puberty blockers, have understood them or that had access to doctors where you didn't. I am too, jealous, honest; even if it doesn't look like it, but I remind myself that at least for the people who are kind and compassionate, I'm glad that they can be happy, that they shouldn't suffer, why I have to suffer like this tho? no clue, the governments fault? my families? societys? all of them? probably.

I don't hat cis and trans people either for this and I got to where I wanted to get, the stuff you see in porn is greatly...exagerated and more often than not, it's not really healthy. The people there are on drugs, trans women have testosterone creams that they use on their genital areas and that also comes with a lot of dysphoria for many of them, CIS women do esthetic operations and are on drugs all the time to associate, men the same, the fakeness and abuse in that industry is insane and it does accelerate dysphoria, it does rewire your brain to think that it's the way it should be. No, that's really not the way it should be at all. I don't know if this will help you or make you sadder that you consume this type of content but I just want to tell you that the expectations from it are not normal nor real and the people that have these expectations from both genders which are on a myriad of cocktail of drugs and play different type of degrading characters, racist characters, are literally categories. That just ain't it.

You're not supposed to be trans to be someone's partner, you're just you and that's okay, partner or no partner, you deserve to be the man you wanted to be just like I deserve to be the woman I wanted to be. Even if the people around us don't see it this way right now. I relate to your feelings towards your parent, you are a great person to be able to overcome that feeling. I'm sorry that people want a cookie cutter friend who fits every stereotype, I know that feeling, why should anyone be friends with me? an aroace vegan traumatized feminist trans woman when they can be friends with benefits with some other cis woman who will give them better company and in the end maybe have sex with them since I wouldn't. See, that's where the problem lies that I wasn't seeing before that I see now, these people were never my friends, they just wanted to use my like an objects and then discard me. But you probably know that already, the lack of companionship, even when it's not genuine, you can feel it, even when I was spending time with toxic people, it was better than when I was alone. You do kinda cease to exist "spiritually" if you put it that way.

 

[phantomt]

thank you a lot for leaving a comment for me. i don't want people to feel the same amount of misery as me, i just want people to read what i wrote and relate to it. i don't mean to bash on cis or hetero people but i feel like they literally can't conceptualize how isolated i feel as as a human being and how it feels to feel "wrong". i don't fit in with gay people because i'm the "wrong" gender and half of them haven't even talked to a trans person before, so it's "awkward". i'm literally a human being. why can't someone accommodate for another human being and what would make them feel comfortable, rather than them just doing what they see as the right way to gender me?

in a group of girls i'm a half-girl because i don't fit in enough and in a group of boys i'm a half-boy because i don't fit in enough there either. i want to be a cookie cutter fully assimilated stone slab of a person rather than whatever i am right now, because existing as a "quirky" or "unique" person is torture when all i want to do is be able to bond with and get close to others. i just want to be part of anyone's group. i'm always on the outliers societally and socially. i sound like some depressed zoomer to older folks but my life has just made me extremely sad and frustrated. if i was cis i could be liked by others, because i would fit into the gender binary.

sometimes i get jealous that people just get to live as the gender they "see themselves as", rather than thinking they're fucked up all the time. i get jealous when trans people pass more than me too or are further along in their transition, since i've been trapped at the start for ages. i'm such a toxic person. this is why i don't want to make any new friends, even if it would be good for me. it's just kind of gross how i'm competitive over everything because nothing makes me feel good about myself besides comparison.

again, i don't hate all cis people ever and i don't hate trans people either. something that's been making me really dysphoric lately is porn and how important gender norms and body standards are in it. i've always hated it because i'm prone to overanalyzing it or feeling jealous because i want to be apart of a gender binary that makes me an attractive girl or an attractive man. sexual conversations make me dysphoric because i feel like i can't participate in them as a man or a woman either. i feel really sad inside when trans people have partners because it makes me wonder if i'm just one of the "bad ones" that are too depressed that they're trans. being trans literally doesn't make me happy, but i'm closeted, so the people i know don't even see me as trans in the first place. it would just be me burying the hatchet and covering my deep shame.

i feel like a dysfunctional version of a woman. like i'm worse than a cis woman and not good enough to be a man. if reincarnation exists i would want to be a man, but i think that i would not want to be born at all. i used to hold a lot of resentment towards my mom for giving birth to me and that made me misogynistic in high school, but then i grew up and realized every older woman isn't my mom. i just kind of hate that i'm expected to get along with girls and always pair up with them because i'm "one of them". but girls will always pair up with girls they like more than me. everything is about groups and teams and if you're not in a group you cease to exist.

shit makes me stressed out

you've summarized a lot of my thoughts really, i dont hate cishet people but everytime i see them i go "i wish i was comfortable in my own body". i never came out to people irl but online i did and every time people tried to assimilate me it does not feel right somehow, maybe its because i rarely meet other trans people and when i do it makes me envious of them too bcs the ones ive met are transitioning and have their general interests fitted to their gender, like ive met trans guys into traditionally masculine things and trans women into traditionally feminine things and i know we shouldnt look at things at a boundary but it makes me so envious because i cant fit in with cis people, i also cant fit in with the queer community. my interests are both on masculine and feminine sides.
cis ppl who are queer often do not have the knowledge in being trans, sometimes they're even the ones who say really horrible things to me which just makes me sad because this is supposed to be a community but then you know, its all just groups and their labels and their everything and if you dont fit in then you're doomed. i wish i could fit in with anything at all.

also the last part is so real, being afab meant that i had to force myself in the girl group and pretend like i get it when they talk about boys (most people in my area are cishet, no hate to them), makeup, all that stuff. for a while i was kinda misogynistic to show to myself that im masculine enough and try and fit in with the guys but then all they'd see me is what im born with anyway.
it really hurts, anyway i hope i didnt make you weirded out by talking about my experiences and i hope this didnt come off as anything negative, i really do get your words but i struggle to articulate mine.