Might CTB this Week

[dazed_dreamer]

Tentatively planning to CTB on Wednesday. I have a private room, guaranteed alone time, I know where to get a rope and how to tie the knot from past parasuicidal action. I don't necessarily want to die, but I can't live like this anymore, with my mental illness and dysfunction, and I don't know what else to try. I've been fighting, kicking and screaming, for years, I did NOT go down without a fight. But at this point, despite my relentless optimism over the years, I truly see no hope and no other options. I genuinely cannot imagine a contented, functional life for myself, and I'm wasting so many resources in the meantime just to survive.

Rough plan: I'll clean up my room and pack my things throughout the day tomorrow (Tuesday). This is to make it easy for whoever has to clean out my room after, and having a clean room would be more dignified. I'll solidify my commitment during that time, I imagine this preparation will make the decision feel more real. I'll also go out and buy a rope (I know which type and where from, as I've done so before). Then I'll try and have a nice day Wednesday, wear something nice, buy a nice latte, text my gratitude to a few friends and family without it looking suspicious, prepare a note (basically just saying this is no one else's fault, simply the result of mental illness/something inherently broken within me that couldn't be fixed despite my and others' genuine efforts), then hang myself that night.

I'm planning to do a full-suspension hanging. It seems the most convenient method available to me, with a pretty good success rate, especially considering I feel confident I'll have ample time without being caught. I also have a private room with a door to my closet, so I can have the rope be over that door, then hop off my desk chair. My one concern is who will find my body; I'll leave my hope on the door, urging whoever finds me to call emergency services so that it's not someone I know who has to deal with my body. I really want to minimize any damage done to anyone else by my committing.

Thanks for being a safe place to vent. I'll keep you posted with any updates, and if I actually stick with this/the timing.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's so dreadful how people have to suffer so much in this existence. But anyway I wish you the best of luck with your plans.

 

[dazed_dreamer]

Update: I am working on what I want to finish up before tomorrow night. I'm working on my note right now, I'm going to buy the rope later today, and get started on tidying up my room. I'll also probably buy some alcohol tonight, I'll probably drink a bit before I hang myself, and maybe a bit tonight as well. I don't love drinking, but there's a certain liminal feeling to being drunk that feels fitting? It makes me a bit emotional too, usually sad and weepy, which feels fitting...a final catharsis I guess?
I'm also gonna sign myself up as an organ donor, since I opted out when I first got my license. I saw someone else on here mention that, which I never would have thought of otherwise. Is there anything else I should get in order? My parents manage my finances at this point, so I don't think there's anything for me to do in that regard. I'd just want all of my things to go to them anyway, so I don't think there's a need for a will. I would ask them to donate some of my savings somewhere, but they've wasted so much money investing in me, I think it makes sense for them to keep it and do what they'd like with it. They're kind people, I imagine they'd make good use of it and meaningfully donate some of it anyways.
Are there any other little things (practical or enjoyable) that you would recommend I do before I CTB tomorrow evening? I'll probably watch the sunrise tomorrow morning as well. Maybe a nice walk this evening, the weather sure is nice...

 

[dazed_dreamer]

I'm in the midst of packing and cleaning things now. It's Tuesday, October 10th, 6:39PM on the evening before I plan to leave. It's a strange, liminal space—it feels like a very short amount of time, but also enough to really sit, be here, experience it, live a little longer.

I got back not long ago from buying the rope I will use to hang myself tomorrow night, along with some red wine and a warm pumpkin spice latte. I had a moment of realization before I headed out on these errands. I'm usually pretty dissociated and numbed-out, which is a part of why I want to commit, but I was suddenly hit with a pang of fear and sadness as I was putting on my boots to head out. I just sat on the floor for a few minutes and shook. I felt some uncertainty and fear about my plans, and sadness that it's come to this point. I'm glad I got a moment to start really feeling this decision, it would be harder to feel okay with this plan without being able to access my genuine emotional reaction. I questioned my decision for a bit—maybe if my life were simpler, if people were aware of just how shaky my mental health is and lowered their expectations of my future and capabilities accordingly, if I could relieve the pressures of my highly academic college and pursue something more feasible to me than an intense career in academia. Maybe if I could be a teacher, or work with kids in need in some other way, just being a source of stability and comfort to kids in need, maybe that could be achievable and meaningful to the world and fulfilling to me. But then I remember how unreliable my mental health makes me, how I've volunteered in similar roles and consistently ended up flaking. How I once was a volunteer tutor, had one lonely student connect with me and look forward to seeing me, before I ended up flaking because of depression and anxiety—it haunts me, that was what I wanted to do with my life, how I wanted to serve people, and I ruined it. I hope that little girl ended up okay, found someone else who could be there for her like she deserved. I'm not made to love like that, even though I wish I was.

I found my journal that I've written in sporadically for the past two years now. Quickly flipping through served as a reminder of the ups and downs, how long I've been fighting this, how many times I'm been knocked down just to get back up again. I felt a certain gratitude for myself for fighting, for the positives in my life, the sweeter moments, for the times I got back up and life was okay for a while. Briefly seeing old sketches and blurbs from over the months made this feel a bit more real, has grounded me a little bit in time and in myself, though not nearly fully, unfortunately. I think I may not be at this point if I had that consistent sense of self and of time, but I don't. I've been detached or dissociated or whatever you'd technically call it for so long now. But, to my surprise, this small moment of grounding gave me some comfort about my decision. I think that sense of gratitude to previous versions of myself and other positive influences in my life over time, and a reminder of how often I've fallen back to this place, how I truly have given this fight my all, has given me more peace with the prospect of my surrender.

 

[XdragonsoulX]

I wish you the best on your journey to the other side. Your anchor point is secure enough to hold?

 

[dazed_dreamer]

I wish you the best on your journey to the other side. Your anchor point is secure enough to hold?

I'll have the rope tied to a doorknob and over the door, which should be strong enough. I'll test it with my hand later today to be sure

 

[dazed_dreamer]

I got up a bit early to try and catch the sunrise this morning. I couldn't see it where I was, but I went for a nice walk. It was nice and peaceful, a slightly biting chill in the air, wrapped up in an oversized sweater. The sky was pretty, in soft shades of cotton candy.

My emotions have been all over the place. One moment at peace with my decision, the next moment overwhelmed with anxiety, the next sad but certain of what I need to do, the next desperate that maybe I can fix my life. I gave myself some time to really imagine how to move forward and continue living, but that just reminded me how my mental state isn't situational, I'm actually in an objectively great situation now, and that I'd probably be like this regardless of my circumstances. Now I'm just lethargic and depressed, back to baseline.

I've been thinking more about romantic love, even craving it recently. It would be nice to fall in love and have that reciprocated. I wish I could experience that before I die, but I could never love someone as they would deserve anyway, I could never return the love that I crave. It would be nice to kiss someone one more time before I go (I've only had one kiss, and it wasn't romantic, unfortunately), but I have no idea how I'd go about that, lol.

I bought my coworkers coffee from Starbucks this morning; I had leftover money on a gift card, why waste it? I was also gonna give some of my leftover food to a homeless person, there's a lot of them on the street near me, but no one was there this morning. I'll stop again later. I also had a nice casual video call with my mom. It was cute, I got to see my dog, and I ended with "I love you too, goodbye!" which seems like a solid farewell.

I was gonna go to one of my classes today, I generally enjoy it, but I don't think I can. I was trying to finish the pre-reading but nothing is processing. Why go and fail the quiz and get frustrated while the lecture goes over my head? It doesn't matter now, anyways.

I'm gonna head to the store now, buy some packing tape to finish packing up my stuff and some laxatives. I'm liquid fasting in hopes that I don't defacate after I hang myself, apparently that's a thing.

I'll probably keep updating for a while through the day to make this feel a bit less lonely.

 

[AllAlone]

Hope you are doing well. I am also thinking of ctbing this week, maybe today or tomorrow. My plan is to either do partial or night night as I have recently bought all the materials to do both. However, I must admit I am feeling scared. Logically I want to die but I am afraid of the pain.

Like you I have never experienced any romantic love. I desperately want to feel an intimate connection with someone but I am so broken that I don't think I can. Besides, nobody would want to be with me anyway. I feel sad knowing I was never able to positively impact anybody or the world, that my whole life was a waste. I think if I wasn't alone I might want to live but there is no hope of that changing.

Are you still planning on doing it or have you changed your mind? I want to but I am scared. I don't know if I have the strength to push through the pain.

 

[dazed_dreamer]

Hope you are doing well. I am also thinking of ctbing this week, maybe today or tomorrow. My plan is to either do partial or night night as I have recently bought all the materials to do both. However, I must admit I am feeling scared. Logically I want to die but I am afraid of the pain.

Like you I have never experienced any romantic love. I desperately want to feel an intimate connection with someone but I am so broken that I don't think I can. Besides, nobody would want to be with me anyway. I feel sad knowing I was never able to positively impact anybody or the world, that my whole life was a waste. I think if I wasn't alone I might want to live but there is no hope of that changing.

Are you still planning on doing it or have you changed your mind? I want to but I am scared. I don't know if I have the strength to push through the pain.

I am planning to CTB tonight. I don't really fear the pain; I'm doing the classic jump-off-a-chair hanging, so I shouldn't be conscious for very long after taking the plunge. There's more so a general, inexplicable anxiety, I think about the finality of it and uncertainty of what comes after. I hope it's just eternal unawareness, like before birth.
I am sorry you have ended up here, and that you feel so alone. I hope that you have the chance to find love, or at least companionship, in this life. Maybe our mutual experiences can help us feel connected and a bit less lonely, even if we are strangers. I wish you peace, wherever life may take you

 

[dazed_dreamer]

I'm feeling gratitude to my body, for standing relatively strong despite all I've put it through. It functions relatively well despite the years of binge eating, purging, sometimes restriction, eating junk food for comfort, and also cutting. There's been times I've been ungrateful for it, such as moments of dysphoria or other physical insecurities. But in this moment I honestly think it looks kind of pretty; it could be prettier if I took better care of it. I'm glad I was able to live a life free from physical disability and chronic illness. I feel bad that it was given such a bad soul to inhabit it.
I see my actions tonight as setting my body free, rather than hurting it, untangling it from my expired spirit so it can rest.

 

[HowLongLeft?]

I hope you find what your looking for and find peace on whatever happens.