Might CTB soon in 24hrs

[AlouA]

I'm so pressured and tired of it all.. I'm 18 but I've repeated a year (i repeated year 12 and I'm currently in it now) because of my severe depression and my crippling social anxiety that disables me from communicating effectively with my peers and the people around me... I can't stand it anymore , I have a meat knife, I intently purchased it last week for my CTB plan, just didn't thought it would be this soon... I'm thinking of plunging the knife on my chest middle part, preferably puncturing my heart.. I haven't done much research about the method but I've heard it's not an easy one and it's the only option i have.. I'll probably bleed to death hours after doing it and I'm also afraid that it won't plunge deep as planned, I want a 100 percent success with my CTB but this is the only option i have that is less gruesome. I don't wanna jump of a building or get hit by a speed moving vehicle.

You might be wondering what made me make this decision, i had been diagnosed this year with major depression disorder and social anxiety disorder and prescribed meds that actually did help me a little but being bombarded with school activities such as performances that will require me to go there physically is making me all depressed and i hate myself for feeling like this. And I don't think i can get any better... I'm just glad i have came across this accepting community with lovely people that shares similar thoughts with me and it made me realized i was never along in all of this. In my battle against social anxiety and depression for over 7 years now.


The thought of leaving my parents really saddens me but the external factors such as functioning well at school just like my peers , getting along and don't feel weirded out by it, being an effective speaker in class or outside, heck I can't even stand the thought of standing at the center of my class not to mention even speaking... I'm so tired of this.. I don't have anyone who is close enough that i can call my true friend.. there was one but she has her own life now, away from me, we can still contact each other but i sadly don't feel the same connection as we had back then.. i feel so alone. I have not enjoyed life to the fullest but I'm grateful for the things i have been given privilege to experience..
I'm so lost.

 

[anhedonicNfoggy]

Your reasons to CTB are completely valid. But I don't feel confident the knife method will work. If it doesn't, you'll deal with more problems like lasting pain, angry parents, medical bills, an even harder time with school. Also SI makes it hard to plunge deep

 

[Serial Experi Pain]

Not the chest. I'm sorry you're going through so much. There are ways by that method that are quicker and more likely to succeed, but I myself will refrain from sharing them. Others may know them and share them if they'd like.

 

[JustARandomFellow]

Hey man.. i don't really have power over you.. but consider venting to someone... If youre already at the edge, what do you have to lose of you tell somebody..? Try to stay strong..

I know know saying stuff like this can frustrating to you.. but you seriously gotta try to reconsider a little... Maybe a bit if hesitation isnt so bad...

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best with your plans, it sounds really tiring what you've been through and I find it inhumane how people have to resort to such barbaric suicide methods, it's horrible how we cannot just easily leave this existence in peace.

 

[90starve]

i also struggle with crippling social anxiety. im sorry that you have to suffer this too - but please consider more peaceful methods before attempting this. it sounds agonising </3

 

[dialogos]

I'm so pressured and tired of it all.. I'm 18 but I've repeated a year (i repeated year 12 and I'm currently in it now) because of my severe depression and my crippling social anxiety that disables me from communicating effectively with my peers and the people around me... I can't stand it anymore , I have a meat knife, I intently purchased it last week for my CTB plan, just didn't thought it would be this soon... I'm thinking of plunging the knife on my chest middle part, preferably puncturing my heart.. I haven't done much research about the method but I've heard it's not an easy one and it's the only option i have.. I'll probably bleed to death hours after doing it and I'm also afraid that it won't plunge deep as planned, I want a 100 percent success with my CTB but this is the only option i have that is less gruesome. I don't wanna jump of a building or get hit by a speed moving vehicle.

You might be wondering what made me make this decision, i had been diagnosed this year with major depression disorder and social anxiety disorder and prescribed meds that actually did help me a little but being bombarded with school activities such as performances that will require me to go there physically is making me all depressed and i hate myself for feeling like this. And I don't think i can get any better... I'm just glad i have came across this accepting community with lovely people that shares similar thoughts with me and it made me realized i was never along in all of this. In my battle against social anxiety and depression for over 7 years now.


The thought of leaving my parents really saddens me but the external factors such as functioning well at school just like my peers , getting along and don't feel weirded out by it, being an effective speaker in class or outside, heck I can't even stand the thought of standing at the center of my class not to mention even speaking... I'm so tired of this.. I don't have anyone who is close enough that i can call my true friend.. there was one but she has her own life now, away from me, we can still contact each other but i sadly don't feel the same connection as we had back then.. i feel so alone. I have not enjoyed life to the fullest but I'm grateful for the things i have been given privilege to experience..
I'm so lost.

Did you tell your parents you can't handle school?
they might agree to homeschooling or online school if they understand its causing too too much stress. You can ask your doctor to explain it for you to them.

 

[AlouA]

Did you tell your parents you can't handle school?
they might agree to homeschooling or online school if they understand its causing too too much stress. You can ask your doctor to explain it for you to them.

I have and that was the reason i initially repeated my 12th grade.. I'm from the Philippines and there's not much online schools readily made accessible here, and they also cost a lot.

 

[dialogos]

Im

I have and that was the reason i initially repeated my 12th grade.. I'm from the Philippines and there's not much online schools readily made accessible here, and they also cost a lot.

Im From the Philippines, mag ALS ka na lang. Alternative Learning System (ALS) Accreditation and Equivalency (A&E) Test.
https://www.deped.gov.ph/k-to-12/inclusive-education/about-alternative-learning-system/

BTW libre po to

 

[AlouA]

Im

Im From the Philippines, mag ALS ka na lang. Alternative Learning System (ALS) Accreditation and Equivalency (A&E) Test.
https://www.deped.gov.ph/k-to-12/inclusive-education/about-alternative-learning-system/

BTW libre po to

I'm surprised to hear that you're from the Philippines as well .. And I've looked through into that and found out that even if i do take ALS, i would have to attend the physical classroom with the regular students..

 

[whywhywhy]

Idk life changes a lot after being 18. People in college/work are more mature than the hell that is school. Saying this as someone with shit social skills.

I really discourage not doing a proper method at worse you can fuck yourself up for life.

 

[AlouA]

Idk life changes a lot after being 18. People in college/work are more mature than the hell that is school. Saying this as someone with shit social skills.

I really discourage not doing a proper method at worse you can fuck yourself up for life.

I've reconsidered my ctb for that reason actually.

 

[strawb12]

I don't think that method is really your best option. Have you looked into partial hanging? All you need is a rope & you should be good, way less painful, gruesome, & much easier.

 

[AlouA]

I don't think that method is really your best option. Have you looked into partial hanging? All you need is a rope & you should be good, way less painful, gruesome, & much easier.

I have not, I'll look into it.. I'm just afraid that my SI would kick in and i end up failing horribly

 

[dggtscccvfd]

I've reconsidered my ctb for that reason actually.

It's okay to reconsider. I don't mean to be patronising, but you are young still: it remains difficult to know whether your current struggles will improve or whether you are going to suffer endlessly. Don't get me wrong. I'm pro-choice: I think there are people who are stuck in messy situations that are so bad they are better off dead, however it's unclear whether that applies to you. Have you tried medication for your anxiety? Have you tried therapy? It seems to me that you should consider whether you've got other options before CTB.

Your method sounded impractical anyhow: it would be extremely difficult to get yourself to plunge a knife into your chest; my best guess is you'd cut yourself a bit and then stop due to the pain. You'd bleed a lot but get 'saved'.

 

[AlouA]

It's okay to reconsider. I don't mean to be patronising, but you are young still: it remains difficult to know whether your current struggles will improve or whether you are going to suffer endlessly. Don't get me wrong. I'm pro-choice: I think there are people who are stuck in messy situations that are so bad they are better off dead, however it's unclear whether that applies to you. Have you tried medication for your anxiety? Have you tried therapy? It seems to me that you should consider whether you've got other options before CTB.

Your method sounded impractical anyhow: it would be extremely difficult to get yourself to plunge a knife into your chest; my best guess is you'd cut yourself a bit and then stop due to the pain. You'd bleed a lot but get 'saved'.

I was only diagnose recently with social anxiety d and major depression, the doctor prescribed me with escitalopram.

That's what I'm afraid of actually as my SI have always gotten in the way of me cutting even before.. I couldn't actually cut my wrists deeply when i tried SH

 

[dggtscccvfd]

I was only diagnose recently with social anxiety d and major depression, the doctor prescribed me with escitalopram.

That's what I'm afraid of actually as my SI have always gotten in the way of me cutting even before.. I couldn't actually cut my wrists deeply when i tried SH

Drugs like escitalopram take months to work. You won't know whether it works for you for 2-3 months. If it doesn't work, you can always go back to your doctor and ask to try a different drug. There are literally loads of different medications for anxiety.

Your fear of cutting is rational. It'll be extremely painful to try to cut your chest open.

 

[strawb12]

I have not, I'll look into it.. I'm just afraid that my SI would kick in and i end up failing horribly

if you're confident you can plunge a knife into your chest then I'm sure you won't have a problem with partial

 

[dialogos]

I'm surprised to hear that you're from the Philippines as well .. And I've looked through into that and found out that even if i do take ALS, i would have to attend the physical classroom with the regular students..

I had a house help who went to Als once a week only for two to three hours only . siguro naman kaya mo na once a week di ba? Kasi pag napasa mo equivalency exam maski di mo pa tapos als, you're considered a high school graduate. Also, if you want, you can get a cert from a neurologist or pyschiatrist to get PWD status. 20% discount for lots of stuff even open college. The polytechnic university of the Philippines (state so low tuition) has an open university. BTW showing that cert to DEPED might give you privileges like studying online only.
May MgA pinoy dito, kaso yung iba wala na, I think they actually recovered. Im not around here most of time but you can pm me for advice. I'll answer when I can. Huwag ka naman agad mawalan pagasa. Yung ganyang MgA bagay may pagasa. Di pa malala yan. Yung iba dito, di na makagalaw dahil sa sakit. Ikaw na overwhelm ka lang, kaya bawasan natin cause of stress mo, starting with als. Open enrollment eto any time

 

[adrenalinejunkie]

I was only diagnose recently with social anxiety d and major depression, the doctor prescribed me with escitalopram.

That's what I'm afraid of actually as my SI have always gotten in the way of me cutting even before.. I couldn't actually cut my wrists deeply when i tried SH

I understand the social anxiety, when I was in school I just skipped any oral assignments and took the 0 because I couldn't do it. I tried a lot of anxiety meds and have been on Escitalopram (Lexapro) for years and it helps a lot. Don't remember how long it took to start working. I also have Bipolar 2 and take Lithium for depression. Best wishes to you.

 

[AlouA]

So.. my mum found out where i hid my knife... She took it
smh

 

[AlouA]

I had a house help who went to Als once a week only for two to three hours only . siguro naman kaya mo na once a week di ba? Kasi pag napasa mo equivalency exam maski di mo pa tapos als, you're considered a high school graduate. Also, if you want, you can get a cert from a neurologist or pyschiatrist to get PWD status. 20% discount for lots of stuff even open college. The polytechnic university of the Philippines (state so low tuition) has an open university. BTW showing that cert to DEPED might give you privileges like studying online only.
May MgA pinoy dito, kaso yung iba wala na, I think they actually recovered. Im not around here most of time but you can pm me for advice. I'll answer when I can. Huwag ka naman agad mawalan pagasa. Yung ganyang MgA bagay may pagasa. Di pa malala yan. Yung iba dito, di na makagalaw dahil sa sakit. Ikaw na overwhelm ka lang, kaya bawasan natin cause of stress mo, starting with als. Open enrollment eto any t

I'm actually transferred into ADM (alternative delivery mode) wherein instead of going to physical school, i retrieve and answer modules but that doesn't excuse me from getting called to school for performances and activities and this mode isn't permanent as there are certain requirements such as in my case, a medical certificate, certifying that I'm only going to be under this mode for certain weeks or days... Also regarding about ALS, my mum is a public school teacher and when i inquired about that she told me even if i managed to complete ALS i wouldn't certify as a shs graduate :(( idk if she was just bluffing knowing i would likely enroll if she had told me it was possible

I had a house help who went to Als once a week only for two to three hours only . siguro naman kaya mo na once a week di ba? Kasi pag napasa mo equivalency exam maski di mo pa tapos als, you're considered a high school graduate. Also, if you want, you can get a cert from a neurologist or pyschiatrist to get PWD status. 20% discount for lots of stuff even open college. The polytechnic university of the Philippines (state so low tuition) has an open university. BTW showing that cert to DEPED might give you privileges like studying online only.
May MgA pinoy dito, kaso yung iba wala na, I think they actually recovered. Im not around here most of time but you can pm me for advice. I'll answer when I can. Huwag ka naman agad mawalan pagasa. Yung ganyang MgA bagay may pagasa. Di pa malala yan. Yung iba dito, di na makagalaw dahil sa sakit. Ikaw na overwhelm ka lang, kaya bawasan natin cause of stress mo, starting with als. Open enrollment eto any time

btw if you don't mind me asking, how old are you po?

 

[dialogos]

So sorry for delay, I have to go to relatives , look after my mom etc I'm 57. Check website I linked earlier, we already have an equivalency test that allows you to go to college. Of course your mom being a teacher, is trained to be a completionist, dot every I and cross every t. She means well for you, wants the best for you. I think you have to really communicate what's happening to you, that she has to make adjustments this time. Tell her you're in danger of losing yourself and she must take you seriously not to expose you to unnecessary stress. You got to be firm with her, look her one eyes, ma, something is wrong with me. Pls don't make me do this, I can't handle it, I need time to heal. I'm sorry I've got to leave again tomorrow

I'm actually transferred into ADM (alternative delivery mode) wherein instead of going to physical school, i retrieve and answer modules but that doesn't excuse me from getting called to school for performances and activities and this mode isn't permanent as there are certain requirements such as in my case, a medical certificate, certifying that I'm only going to be under this mode for certain weeks or days... Also regarding about ALS, my mum is a public school teacher and when i inquired about that she told me even if i managed to complete ALS i wouldn't certify as a shs graduate :(( idk if she was just bluffing knowing i would likely enroll if she had told me it was possible

btw if you don't mind me asking, how old are you po?