Venting middle of the night thoughts

[princessame]

i always feel like really really horrible during night time. im not sure if this is the right thread so please forgive me, since this isnt exactly about recovery but more of like me wanting to relapse
like my life is starting to go up again, i might even get a job for once, but i still feel so empty. for me, i feel like going through life in the most textbook cliche way is the easy way out, and it makes me feel like i am living a human experience (i struggle really deeply with feeling like a normal person, especially bcz of things like scpd and whatnot).. but its not enough. i dont think anything would be enough, actually. like i want to fall in love very very much, but at the same time i dont want anything like that near me
i dont really know what i want anymore, but at this point im so unsatisfied with life thatd id really just be better off dead. im not saying this in a woe is me pity kind of way, i just mean theres literally no substance for me or my life and if im going to be bored and upset by every little thing, its probably better if i just die early and save myself the trouble
i dont have any major ambitions or dreams or anything (and for the things i want to do, i have really low motivation to even try), all of my time and thoughts and worth go to fictional things. i hope one day i can find something real thats worth clinging on to, until then, im questioning if i should just try overdosing again, in hopes itd actually work this time.
im going to go to bed now, normally i feel this way when its the middle of the night (apparently things like OCD and whatnot get heavily triggered when youre sleepy.. which would make sense in my case) so these thoughts will probably just die out with a good nights rest.
until then...

 

[Forever Sleep]

I relate a lot to this. That life is just really just going through the motions, treading water. I'm the same as you in that there is career stuff on the horizon for me that I ought to feel either excited or worried about. But, I don't really know how I feel. Mostly just irritation that it's all more stuff to do and worry about. I'm just so tired. I think that's it ultimately. I just want to rest forever.

 

[princessame]

I understand that so deeply, everything is just so tiresome.. but at the same time I don't want to spoil myself or have someone entirely provide for me, as it makes me feel bad (and i really worry that they will leave sooner rather than later, and i'd be stuck in a compromising situation..)
life is just so dumb sometimes, but i try to stick around for those small happy moments that make me feel thankful, the kind that make me go "itd really suck if i killed myself, because i wouldn't have witnessed this in my life" you know?

 

[EternalShore]

I'm sorry about that~ :( When I was younger and didn't have a consistent source of emotional support, I'd normally try to go to bed at around 9 pm as that is when all the bad thoughts started, which would just make me miserable if I continued to stay up~ >_<
hehe~ I'm glad your life is getting better, and you might even get a job! ^_^ Jobs are scarce nowadays, so you'll be super lucky if you can snag it! :D
yeahhh, I get your point like that~ >_< Trying to love is a huge risk, and it rather sucks trying and failing to get there~ >_< I hope you're able to tho! :) I'd love to as well~ >w< and yeah~ :/ I'm not sure if this is exactly what you meant, but it definitely feels like everything that isn't trying to find love can be quite a waste~ but it's not like there's much one can do for that either besides just wait~ >_< It's all so frustrating! :(