(Reposting here from the private forum because it seems to be dead)
Personally, one of my biggest reasons for wanting to CTB has always been struggles with hedonic tone and with not having the neural wiring most people have so I can experience pleasure fully and live fluidly.
Even when I find partial solutions to my predicament (a very long story that was caused by multiple factors, generic and environmental, that started before I could read or even think for myself), they're always incomplete, work only in part, and I have to do 5x the work a normal person has to do I can feel a fraction of what most people feel (often sub-20% if I do everything absolutely right for weeks or months in a row and implement intense meditation protocols and behavioural changes). You could say that means I'm technically in recovery, since 10 to 15% is better than being close to zero, but a person with a healthy neural wiring and no injuries, organic or emotional would not need to live what amounts to a semi monastic lifestyle just to get a fraction of what most people get by default.
I know people who binge drink semi frequently, spend 5+ hours daily on social media and don't eat healthy or clean and they still have a naturally better hedonic tone than I when I'm in therapy, medicated, doing the neccecary behavioral treatment and modifications, etc.
I've been in therapy with multiple practicioners and modalities for over 5 or 6 years now, done some self DBT/ACT as well using online workbooks, at one point I exercised 7 days a week, then reduced it because it gave me limited or diminishing returns. I have only taken two medications, none of which I responded two, one of which was a stimulant that was supposed to work within ten days (the only one available in my country, AFAK). I'm on seroquel for nightmares and insomnia which works for those but not much else. I will continue trialing different meds and being proactive with doctors until something works. Meds are all OTC where I live except from benzos which I am averse to taking due to the history of Addiction both my parents had.
I am soon going to try hypnotherapy as well as possibly Reiki and sound healing, so I am not giving up on therapy as a whole, just looking for different modalities. Eventually if nothing works, something's gotta give, though.
Even when I show signs that I'll manage my core issue(s) eventually, which I honestly do, I am now a lot more optimistic than I used to be and was free from CTB ideation for a very long time, I still struggle with other aspects of life that most people can tolerate and live with, such as full time employment, and working a regular non creative job. I have now managed to partly get relief from my issues and have gained self awareness about what I want to do, so now instead of worrying about my health and mental health, my biggest sorry when it comes to CTB is my future ocupationally and living life on my own terms one day.
I have a very specific temperament that's highly dopaminergic, highly creative and ambitious that's incompatible with the overwhelming vast majority of professions and "realistic" career options, and the overwhelming majority of "the options" out there frankly make me completely miserable, and I have a very low tolerance to exerting effort I find neutral or unpleasant compared to the average person who can work full time a standard office job no problem. My temperament makes the majority of "stable realistic" professions that are options for most extremely difficult to tolerate.
Something about a corporation, company or employer or even clients owning my time so I can afford to live feels very wrong to me and the majority of work environments out there are unnatural to my temperament and strengths, most things I would see myself working in an thriving are not viable statistically.
Part of wanting to CTB for me if that I never got to play and have fun as a child. Part of why I seek a creative profession as an adult is frankly, because going from a boring and miserable childhood lost to ill health and various issues to a boring and miserable adulthood lost to working would make life feel like a cruel joke. I lost two decades of my life until now to life being a bitch, I don't want to lose my adulthood to working a boring job and commuting which will consume most of my waking hours. I lost my childhood and teens to bullshit, I don't want to lose my adulthood to working, frankly put it.
It's forcing a fish to climb a try as they say. I have given myself a (very long, generous) deadline to succeed in living life on my own terms.
If I am past that deadline and have not made very significant or even marginal progress towards this, I would most likely want to CTB, and since my main reasons for wanting to do so have to do with not being able to enjoy life or do work I enjoy to sustain that life, I'd like to go out in a way that's extremely pleasant and euphoric, likely listening to my favorite music as I go.
I'm not a big fan of shooting street drugs so feel free to suggest some RCs and novel compounds that could induced death (even if only when combined), for my CTB efforts. Anything dopaminergic or opiodergic or highly novel and euphoric is welcome, I am personally opposed to recreational drug consumption for many reasons but if I am going to be CTBIng anyways I might as well go in the most pleasant way possible.
I might post updates in the recovery forum if things improve in the near or long term.
Thank you for reading this far and for your input.
Personally, one of my biggest reasons for wanting to CTB has always been struggles with hedonic tone and with not having the neural wiring most people have so I can experience pleasure fully and live fluidly.
Even when I find partial solutions to my predicament (a very long story that was caused by multiple factors, generic and environmental, that started before I could read or even think for myself), they're always incomplete, work only in part, and I have to do 5x the work a normal person has to do I can feel a fraction of what most people feel (often sub-20% if I do everything absolutely right for weeks or months in a row and implement intense meditation protocols and behavioural changes). You could say that means I'm technically in recovery, since 10 to 15% is better than being close to zero, but a person with a healthy neural wiring and no injuries, organic or emotional would not need to live what amounts to a semi monastic lifestyle just to get a fraction of what most people get by default.
I know people who binge drink semi frequently, spend 5+ hours daily on social media and don't eat healthy or clean and they still have a naturally better hedonic tone than I when I'm in therapy, medicated, doing the neccecary behavioral treatment and modifications, etc.
I've been in therapy with multiple practicioners and modalities for over 5 or 6 years now, done some self DBT/ACT as well using online workbooks, at one point I exercised 7 days a week, then reduced it because it gave me limited or diminishing returns. I have only taken two medications, none of which I responded two, one of which was a stimulant that was supposed to work within ten days (the only one available in my country, AFAK). I'm on seroquel for nightmares and insomnia which works for those but not much else. I will continue trialing different meds and being proactive with doctors until something works. Meds are all OTC where I live except from benzos which I am averse to taking due to the history of Addiction both my parents had.
I am soon going to try hypnotherapy as well as possibly Reiki and sound healing, so I am not giving up on therapy as a whole, just looking for different modalities. Eventually if nothing works, something's gotta give, though.
Even when I show signs that I'll manage my core issue(s) eventually, which I honestly do, I am now a lot more optimistic than I used to be and was free from CTB ideation for a very long time, I still struggle with other aspects of life that most people can tolerate and live with, such as full time employment, and working a regular non creative job. I have now managed to partly get relief from my issues and have gained self awareness about what I want to do, so now instead of worrying about my health and mental health, my biggest sorry when it comes to CTB is my future ocupationally and living life on my own terms one day.
I have a very specific temperament that's highly dopaminergic, highly creative and ambitious that's incompatible with the overwhelming vast majority of professions and "realistic" career options, and the overwhelming majority of "the options" out there frankly make me completely miserable, and I have a very low tolerance to exerting effort I find neutral or unpleasant compared to the average person who can work full time a standard office job no problem. My temperament makes the majority of "stable realistic" professions that are options for most extremely difficult to tolerate.
Something about a corporation, company or employer or even clients owning my time so I can afford to live feels very wrong to me and the majority of work environments out there are unnatural to my temperament and strengths, most things I would see myself working in an thriving are not viable statistically.
Part of wanting to CTB for me if that I never got to play and have fun as a child. Part of why I seek a creative profession as an adult is frankly, because going from a boring and miserable childhood lost to ill health and various issues to a boring and miserable adulthood lost to working would make life feel like a cruel joke. I lost two decades of my life until now to life being a bitch, I don't want to lose my adulthood to working a boring job and commuting which will consume most of my waking hours. I lost my childhood and teens to bullshit, I don't want to lose my adulthood to working, frankly put it.
It's forcing a fish to climb a try as they say. I have given myself a (very long, generous) deadline to succeed in living life on my own terms.
If I am past that deadline and have not made very significant or even marginal progress towards this, I would most likely want to CTB, and since my main reasons for wanting to do so have to do with not being able to enjoy life or do work I enjoy to sustain that life, I'd like to go out in a way that's extremely pleasant and euphoric, likely listening to my favorite music as I go.
I'm not a big fan of shooting street drugs so feel free to suggest some RCs and novel compounds that could induced death (even if only when combined), for my CTB efforts. Anything dopaminergic or opiodergic or highly novel and euphoric is welcome, I am personally opposed to recreational drug consumption for many reasons but if I am going to be CTBIng anyways I might as well go in the most pleasant way possible.
I might post updates in the recovery forum if things improve in the near or long term.
Thank you for reading this far and for your input.
