P
PromisedLand
Member
- Jan 27, 2024
- 15
I understand that method restriction could be a good idea, for protecting the poster child guy who is acutely suicidal, and who will be miraculously better when he tells his mates and doctor about how he feels, and gets medication that melts all of his problems away.
But it's just cruel for those of us who have suffered for 10+ years, and who have tried our best to fit into this world, but it just does not work for us. I would not still be here if method restriction was not a thing. I live in a country where I'll never manage to import SN, and the only really effective methods available to me are hanging or jumping. I am afraid of failing with the former due to panic reactions, and the latter terrifies me. I made an attempt about a year ago with a plant poisoning method I thought would be successful, but at a lethal dose it didn't even cause any obvious symptoms. In my heart, I have known for 20 years now that as a woman with autism and ADHD and a whole bunch of other shit, and failure after failure at fitting in and being successful, that I do not want to be here. I wish so badly that I was allowed to die with dignity, and that it could be a happy time of celebration on my last day, rather than depressing and alone. This would also require other people to respect the choice of individuals. It's horrible being expected to live by a bunch of people who don't have to feel my pain every single day.
I also get frustrated when I am told that society needs to be "more accommodating of people like me", as a reason for not killing myself. Yeah, sure, that would help - but it's not going to happen, is it. It feels like I am expected to exist so that society does not have to feel the guilt that it is not accommodating of people like me. Allowing me to go would be admitting the problems. Maybe this is just a crazy conspiracy theory, but it often feels this way.
Sorry this was such a poorly organized wall of text. I just feel so exhausted. Every single day I wake up and I wonder how many more days of this I will have to do, before society finally stops trying to force people to be here against their will.
But it's just cruel for those of us who have suffered for 10+ years, and who have tried our best to fit into this world, but it just does not work for us. I would not still be here if method restriction was not a thing. I live in a country where I'll never manage to import SN, and the only really effective methods available to me are hanging or jumping. I am afraid of failing with the former due to panic reactions, and the latter terrifies me. I made an attempt about a year ago with a plant poisoning method I thought would be successful, but at a lethal dose it didn't even cause any obvious symptoms. In my heart, I have known for 20 years now that as a woman with autism and ADHD and a whole bunch of other shit, and failure after failure at fitting in and being successful, that I do not want to be here. I wish so badly that I was allowed to die with dignity, and that it could be a happy time of celebration on my last day, rather than depressing and alone. This would also require other people to respect the choice of individuals. It's horrible being expected to live by a bunch of people who don't have to feel my pain every single day.
I also get frustrated when I am told that society needs to be "more accommodating of people like me", as a reason for not killing myself. Yeah, sure, that would help - but it's not going to happen, is it. It feels like I am expected to exist so that society does not have to feel the guilt that it is not accommodating of people like me. Allowing me to go would be admitting the problems. Maybe this is just a crazy conspiracy theory, but it often feels this way.
Sorry this was such a poorly organized wall of text. I just feel so exhausted. Every single day I wake up and I wonder how many more days of this I will have to do, before society finally stops trying to force people to be here against their will.