Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
i hope i dont come off as arrogant these are just the things i admired about myself.
I was what people would call "intelligent" I felt like i had many areas that i excelled in and i really liked the way my brain worked.
I used to write all the time but more articulate organized eloquent etc.
My writing has deteriorated... That's only one thing. Even the way the words come out of my mouth. It was like writing was the one form i could just really write/say my mind.
Now that one form doesn't even click.
That's just a few things bc overall my functioning is extremely low. It sucks.
I fought so much for it all and i was so trapped in life and wrapped up in death...
My trying was a waste bc i was pushing myself way too hard. I needed a lot of support but unless you have good family or enough money for that level of professional support then you gotta figure it out on your own. (Lower support is always an option but extremely hard to access in such a low functioning state.)
I've tried my best and it looks like giving up but it's more like acceptance.
My brain fights me so so so so hard when i push myself to live. It's gotten to that point. Im sorry but for MONTHS. I think about it and start to feel miserable..
I was so miserable all these months. The constant trying but knowing I'm not able but having to anyway. It didn't get me anywhere.
It wasn't one if those try and then you feel kinda thing. That's what i had to bank on but nope. What else what i suppose to do. It was lay down half dead or try to live.
Now ik i have a choice, options and enough to research properly.
Living life when you really dont want to is traumatizing to say the least.
I was what people would call "intelligent" I felt like i had many areas that i excelled in and i really liked the way my brain worked.
I used to write all the time but more articulate organized eloquent etc.
My writing has deteriorated... That's only one thing. Even the way the words come out of my mouth. It was like writing was the one form i could just really write/say my mind.
Now that one form doesn't even click.
That's just a few things bc overall my functioning is extremely low. It sucks.
I fought so much for it all and i was so trapped in life and wrapped up in death...
My trying was a waste bc i was pushing myself way too hard. I needed a lot of support but unless you have good family or enough money for that level of professional support then you gotta figure it out on your own. (Lower support is always an option but extremely hard to access in such a low functioning state.)
I've tried my best and it looks like giving up but it's more like acceptance.
My brain fights me so so so so hard when i push myself to live. It's gotten to that point. Im sorry but for MONTHS. I think about it and start to feel miserable..
I was so miserable all these months. The constant trying but knowing I'm not able but having to anyway. It didn't get me anywhere.
It wasn't one if those try and then you feel kinda thing. That's what i had to bank on but nope. What else what i suppose to do. It was lay down half dead or try to live.
Now ik i have a choice, options and enough to research properly.
Living life when you really dont want to is traumatizing to say the least.
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