Mentally ready

[Toomanyconnections]

I feel mentally ready. I romanticize my death in multiple ways and usually the less harsh self reflective way. Yet I realize I always act out of some sort of relief. I am stuck and feel like i'm some sort of tree branch that can barely move without extreme planning or effort. I'm tired; i'm tired of waking up and being in pain, i'm tired of thinking about everyone else in my life. I'm tired of lying and acting like i'll be there for my friends wedding. I just feel like an asshole
I don't expect much for my life yet I feel like i'm more or less the example of a burden for others. Living to give meaning for their life. Yet all I want is to not be in pain

 

[muffin222]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. You don't sound like an asshole to me- you sound like a strong person who's tired of being strong and is concerned about the impact on other people in your life. If you were truly an asshole, you wouldn't care or think much at all about others around you.

Whatever decision you decide to make in the end, I hope it leads to the right outcome for you and brings you closer to the peace you desire you're not alone in your struggle.