Hi, I am male with paranoid schizophrenia, I also suffer from major depression disorder and OCD.
It's been 7 years since I am disabled, I share my story with you how I am more and more thinking moving to a care home.
So at 20 years old I was quite healthy, worked out, with a six pack... had stoner friends that used to smoke up and worked and lived in UK... Life seemed ok.
One day me and my friends started doing psychodelics and Im alone had only bad trips. I was also attending university at the time and managed to finish 2nd year until my paranoid thoughts led to thinking that I actually pay rent to my friends and not my landlord... I thought being scammed... Then I started having delusions like my family was in a mafia and that my mother poisoned my father because he was sexually abusing me.... My housemates started to suspect something's wrong and because of my weird behaviour they told on me to police for sexual abuse (yes I touched a girl's but without a consent when I was full blown manic and psychotic). I would loved at the time to go to a mental clinic, but my housemates chose police way. At the police station I was locked and my delusions started going crazy if I thought I was the emperor of the world and my body rotation had to do with spiritual and well being of the world. So I was released with a warning and soon I was kicked out of the house... Imagine being psychotic, scared, paranoid and manic on the streets, so I stopped going to work as I couldnt get my work clothes and University gave me a room to stay. So I stayed there until my family came (mother and sister) my mother travelled from abroad to get me home. In UK I was at first put on seroquel 50mg but I found it too drowsing so they gave me 2mg risperidone and 0.5mg clonazepam.
I was getting stabilized on those meds, but as you can guess not really effective, I did some weird things like buying a pocket knife and carrying it everywhere and showing up to my neighbors out of the blue and sitting and gesturing weirdly on the streets (my mom keep on telling me to stop but I couldnt). SO my mom brought me to psychiatrist with a leaflet that said I had drug induced psychosis that put a lot of hatred on me from my family.... Yeah I did smoke some weed and did couple of times mdma with couple of times with psychdelics.... But my friends were fine and more than fine.
So I was put in a hospital and heavily drugged for a month that the first days I can barely remember. SO I got my first diagnosis - paranoid schizohrenia, I did not know what It meant at first cause I was clueless and returning to a real world. I was put on Invega depot that made me lose my libido, stopped talking at all, couldnt and still cant enjoy video games.
So my mother insisted to be put on disability, but my psychiatrist said that I she cant write me off at the same time to a disability team and write next year that I am fit to return finish my studies (even though sorry to say some people would come in paralyzed in a wheelchair to classes) So I lost on years of disability allowance and had to do social work to keep paying for health insurance. I worked at a park digging pitches for trees and as you can imagine I was getting drained and worked as hard as 60 year old even though I was 21 at the time. My mom used to take all my money and begged her and my grandmother to buy cigarettes.
So my intermission to my university got approved, Improved thorough the year and managed to put something in my dissertation over a year of half-working and half-laying like a zombie on my bed whole day. My psychiatrist wrote a letter to university saying that I can return and get back to studying so I did.
I was anxious and happy at almost turning to 22 and coming back to university, my sister helped to move in to my student accommodation and like ex-stoner did the first night was to get some weed from a dude and smoked with a new friend and guess what??? I cant smoke weed in my life anymore because I turned psychotic instantly and then I went to the security begging for help because I was paranoid of them also and guess what they did?? They reported it to University's security council and I had to explain what I did even though I swore not to use the drug anymore and I had to attend some stupid-ass seminar about drugs and put my signature that I attended it. In my regards UK is one of the worst country to get mental illness as the support is non existent, but people outlook on illnesses were much more positive than in my Eastern European Country.
So days passed after instant psychosis and my depot injection was putting me right back in and returned to studying and started my old-prescribed escitalopram thought it was some drug to help my schizophrenia. Later I realized it was an antidepressant and felt alright on it, did not notice much.
So I graduated university successfully and got a good friend and moved into a house with some random people... I found some kitchen job and managed to maintain myself even though I was disabled, never asked for disability allowance neither from UK or my country. So sometimes I asked like for 50 GBP from my mother and sister and they would get to judge me because I am working at low paid job or spending too much.
Eventually I started to have more regular instant psychosis-episodes it was showing that I needed a dose increase, but guess what I did? Asked the NHS to stop my meds cause I inside I wanted to see if their diagnosis of drug-induced psychosis was right and guess what? I lost my job, my friends, all my money went to alcohol and cigarettes and lottery tickets cause my judgement got so bad during mania and psychosis. This time psychosis was accompanied by hallucinations and also tactile hallucinations: first visual hallucination I had was that I was laying on my bed and saw the last judgement day reapers coming out of my closet so I started to have religious delusions. The tactile hallucinations I had one was that some girl was getting off with me in my bed.... I was alone and could feel stimulated! weird huh? Also I got some tactile hallucinations - limping with my right foot and also I would lose control of my arm or even side of the body like having a stroke or feel lice or ticks crawling over me! Scary!
So my sister purchased a ticket and went home though so much embarrassing moments that a girl had to switch seats with some middle-aged couple and was talking non-sense over all flight.
So I returned to my origin country and was met with my uncle that looked he enjoyed having me mentally unstable. I don't know how some people like to see you suffer and be delusional that see it entertaining! So I got back home and unpacked and ate... My mother did not seem really happy to see me because I was ill again. She gave me some valerian extract to drink and I thought she gave me some heroin to put me asleep and paralyze me that She could have sex with me. So I got really paranoid and went to the door and tried to kick it out, until I jumped throughout the window and started running during the autumn... though the mud and countryside I called the police and asked where am I and then they stopped me. Checked my alcohol levels and brought me to a hospital. Again a lot of drugging and eventually I stabilized.
Since this hospitalization everything went down cause after trying to get back on my feet I was turned down and developed major depression disorder and because they abruptly at the hospital stopped my escitalopram (idiots not doctors!). So I tried to move to a another city to get a job just to quit on the first hour because I couldnt bare my anxiety and depression. Soon after that I discovered SS forum and started to practice partial hanging until one day I told my mom Im suicidal and she sent me to another mental hospital! Thank you mother! (ironically) So the hospital reinstated escitalopram and they still held me for a month. After this hospitalization I thought I would be like in UK and be able at least work... I got employed as Barista in my local town and it was difficult cause I was still on the same dose of Invega as I was getting still mini psychosis episodes. My hands were shaking from meds that I could barely bring a cup of coffee to a table and doing latte art looked impossible with my shaky hands. So one day that mini-psychosis turned into a real TREMENDOUS psychosis that I had to be put on 3 anti-psychotics for 9 weeks.
Current days:
Its been 7 months since last hospitalization of that big psychosis... thinking of quitting my work but its currently shut down to covid... I feel weird about that workplace cause even though I was put on minimum security unit at a mental hospital I made a lot of stupid ideas and delusions to them. Like I even told my employer that I tried to hand myself and he joked about it later. Also they make joke that I thought I was a catholic apostle one time and said that I should become a priest! omg so funny! (ironically) Also said I had tuberculosis because I had smoker's cough and they still joke about it today. I face the same difficulties as previously worked as a barista - hand tremor, anxiety but miniparanoia attacks are gone because Im on Haldol now.
Current issue:
Major depression disorder is not going away for me and I tried cymbalta that looked like a savior med but because of side effects I had to quit and get back to escitalopram.,
I've lost all hope to maintain minimum paid work because of my illness and I dont want to live with my mom anymore because all those episodes and some dumb stuff I said I cannot take it back from her. What do you think? Should I just drop everything I still have and move to a care home?
It's been 7 years since I am disabled, I share my story with you how I am more and more thinking moving to a care home.
So at 20 years old I was quite healthy, worked out, with a six pack... had stoner friends that used to smoke up and worked and lived in UK... Life seemed ok.
One day me and my friends started doing psychodelics and Im alone had only bad trips. I was also attending university at the time and managed to finish 2nd year until my paranoid thoughts led to thinking that I actually pay rent to my friends and not my landlord... I thought being scammed... Then I started having delusions like my family was in a mafia and that my mother poisoned my father because he was sexually abusing me.... My housemates started to suspect something's wrong and because of my weird behaviour they told on me to police for sexual abuse (yes I touched a girl's but without a consent when I was full blown manic and psychotic). I would loved at the time to go to a mental clinic, but my housemates chose police way. At the police station I was locked and my delusions started going crazy if I thought I was the emperor of the world and my body rotation had to do with spiritual and well being of the world. So I was released with a warning and soon I was kicked out of the house... Imagine being psychotic, scared, paranoid and manic on the streets, so I stopped going to work as I couldnt get my work clothes and University gave me a room to stay. So I stayed there until my family came (mother and sister) my mother travelled from abroad to get me home. In UK I was at first put on seroquel 50mg but I found it too drowsing so they gave me 2mg risperidone and 0.5mg clonazepam.
I was getting stabilized on those meds, but as you can guess not really effective, I did some weird things like buying a pocket knife and carrying it everywhere and showing up to my neighbors out of the blue and sitting and gesturing weirdly on the streets (my mom keep on telling me to stop but I couldnt). SO my mom brought me to psychiatrist with a leaflet that said I had drug induced psychosis that put a lot of hatred on me from my family.... Yeah I did smoke some weed and did couple of times mdma with couple of times with psychdelics.... But my friends were fine and more than fine.
So I was put in a hospital and heavily drugged for a month that the first days I can barely remember. SO I got my first diagnosis - paranoid schizohrenia, I did not know what It meant at first cause I was clueless and returning to a real world. I was put on Invega depot that made me lose my libido, stopped talking at all, couldnt and still cant enjoy video games.
So my mother insisted to be put on disability, but my psychiatrist said that I she cant write me off at the same time to a disability team and write next year that I am fit to return finish my studies (even though sorry to say some people would come in paralyzed in a wheelchair to classes) So I lost on years of disability allowance and had to do social work to keep paying for health insurance. I worked at a park digging pitches for trees and as you can imagine I was getting drained and worked as hard as 60 year old even though I was 21 at the time. My mom used to take all my money and begged her and my grandmother to buy cigarettes.
So my intermission to my university got approved, Improved thorough the year and managed to put something in my dissertation over a year of half-working and half-laying like a zombie on my bed whole day. My psychiatrist wrote a letter to university saying that I can return and get back to studying so I did.
I was anxious and happy at almost turning to 22 and coming back to university, my sister helped to move in to my student accommodation and like ex-stoner did the first night was to get some weed from a dude and smoked with a new friend and guess what??? I cant smoke weed in my life anymore because I turned psychotic instantly and then I went to the security begging for help because I was paranoid of them also and guess what they did?? They reported it to University's security council and I had to explain what I did even though I swore not to use the drug anymore and I had to attend some stupid-ass seminar about drugs and put my signature that I attended it. In my regards UK is one of the worst country to get mental illness as the support is non existent, but people outlook on illnesses were much more positive than in my Eastern European Country.
So days passed after instant psychosis and my depot injection was putting me right back in and returned to studying and started my old-prescribed escitalopram thought it was some drug to help my schizophrenia. Later I realized it was an antidepressant and felt alright on it, did not notice much.
So I graduated university successfully and got a good friend and moved into a house with some random people... I found some kitchen job and managed to maintain myself even though I was disabled, never asked for disability allowance neither from UK or my country. So sometimes I asked like for 50 GBP from my mother and sister and they would get to judge me because I am working at low paid job or spending too much.
Eventually I started to have more regular instant psychosis-episodes it was showing that I needed a dose increase, but guess what I did? Asked the NHS to stop my meds cause I inside I wanted to see if their diagnosis of drug-induced psychosis was right and guess what? I lost my job, my friends, all my money went to alcohol and cigarettes and lottery tickets cause my judgement got so bad during mania and psychosis. This time psychosis was accompanied by hallucinations and also tactile hallucinations: first visual hallucination I had was that I was laying on my bed and saw the last judgement day reapers coming out of my closet so I started to have religious delusions. The tactile hallucinations I had one was that some girl was getting off with me in my bed.... I was alone and could feel stimulated! weird huh? Also I got some tactile hallucinations - limping with my right foot and also I would lose control of my arm or even side of the body like having a stroke or feel lice or ticks crawling over me! Scary!
So my sister purchased a ticket and went home though so much embarrassing moments that a girl had to switch seats with some middle-aged couple and was talking non-sense over all flight.
So I returned to my origin country and was met with my uncle that looked he enjoyed having me mentally unstable. I don't know how some people like to see you suffer and be delusional that see it entertaining! So I got back home and unpacked and ate... My mother did not seem really happy to see me because I was ill again. She gave me some valerian extract to drink and I thought she gave me some heroin to put me asleep and paralyze me that She could have sex with me. So I got really paranoid and went to the door and tried to kick it out, until I jumped throughout the window and started running during the autumn... though the mud and countryside I called the police and asked where am I and then they stopped me. Checked my alcohol levels and brought me to a hospital. Again a lot of drugging and eventually I stabilized.
Since this hospitalization everything went down cause after trying to get back on my feet I was turned down and developed major depression disorder and because they abruptly at the hospital stopped my escitalopram (idiots not doctors!). So I tried to move to a another city to get a job just to quit on the first hour because I couldnt bare my anxiety and depression. Soon after that I discovered SS forum and started to practice partial hanging until one day I told my mom Im suicidal and she sent me to another mental hospital! Thank you mother! (ironically) So the hospital reinstated escitalopram and they still held me for a month. After this hospitalization I thought I would be like in UK and be able at least work... I got employed as Barista in my local town and it was difficult cause I was still on the same dose of Invega as I was getting still mini psychosis episodes. My hands were shaking from meds that I could barely bring a cup of coffee to a table and doing latte art looked impossible with my shaky hands. So one day that mini-psychosis turned into a real TREMENDOUS psychosis that I had to be put on 3 anti-psychotics for 9 weeks.
Current days:
Its been 7 months since last hospitalization of that big psychosis... thinking of quitting my work but its currently shut down to covid... I feel weird about that workplace cause even though I was put on minimum security unit at a mental hospital I made a lot of stupid ideas and delusions to them. Like I even told my employer that I tried to hand myself and he joked about it later. Also they make joke that I thought I was a catholic apostle one time and said that I should become a priest! omg so funny! (ironically) Also said I had tuberculosis because I had smoker's cough and they still joke about it today. I face the same difficulties as previously worked as a barista - hand tremor, anxiety but miniparanoia attacks are gone because Im on Haldol now.
Current issue:
Major depression disorder is not going away for me and I tried cymbalta that looked like a savior med but because of side effects I had to quit and get back to escitalopram.,
I've lost all hope to maintain minimum paid work because of my illness and I dont want to live with my mom anymore because all those episodes and some dumb stuff I said I cannot take it back from her. What do you think? Should I just drop everything I still have and move to a care home?
