Venting mental illness ruined my life

[unluckyworshipper]

but most importantly, the blame lies on me as a human being. i just couldn't focus on any of my schoolwork and combined with overwhelming anxiety i lost any motivation i had and avoided school like the plague due to simply being afraid of other people and teachers.
i haven't been to a class in about a year, and to avoid being kicked out due to my attendance i was forced to sign up for irregular grading (where i would get graded periodically rather than normally and have no option to go back). i hate this and i feel like I've squandered my youth as i can no longer be an average person but a mentally ill loner. due to a mental health stigma in my country i simply cannot get a diagnosis. so to everyone I'm simply a poser shut-in rotting at his computer.
i want to get back to school and i want to be an average person but due to my lack of attendance I've effectively holed myself into this loop of "i should go" > "its too late i already failed" to the point where i can't even step outside my house.
through the help of my parents i'll be looking to find any sort of diagnosis or psychiatric help with my problems, but I've already set a date for my suicide if nothing happens or if it goes wrong.
i hope i can actually go through with something in my life for the first time, that being my suicide.

 

[uzuf86]

I'm with you on that. In my case it didn't just ruin my life, but also the lives around me in one way or another. I feel like a worthless being and that ctb is the only thing I need to finish from my side.

 

[Nx7]

I feel you. Your post hits close home. I fucked up my life because I decided on a whim to stop taking my antidepressant meds. This here: "its too late i already failed" ---------> then led me to attempt suicide. I was living abroad, I had a life but I destroyed everything. Recently, because of the "its too late i already failed" thinking pattern I went to the point of buying SN but my family found out and they forced me into a mental clinic.

However, from your post you seem young. I hate this kind of advice...but give yourself some time to get out of this stigma. It may work. If not....I truly understand you. Even a few minutes ago I had this exact same feeling of "its too late i already failed" and the loop goes on. It's indeed awful

I'm with you on that. In my case it didn't just ruin my life, but also the lives around me in one way or another. I feel like a worthless being and that ctb is the only thing I need to finish from my side.

Similar as well

 

[TwoWaysOnly]

but most importantly, the blame lies on me as a human being. i just couldn't focus on any of my schoolwork and combined with overwhelming anxiety i lost any motivation i had and avoided school like the plague due to simply being afraid of other people and teachers.
i haven't been to a class in about a year, and to avoid being kicked out due to my attendance i was forced to sign up for irregular grading (where i would get graded periodically rather than normally and have no option to go back). i hate this and i feel like I've squandered my youth as i can no longer be an average person but a mentally ill loner. due to a mental health stigma in my country i simply cannot get a diagnosis. so to everyone I'm simply a poser shut-in rotting at his computer.
i want to get back to school and i want to be an average person but due to my lack of attendance I've effectively holed myself into this loop of "i should go" > "its too late i already failed" to the point where i can't even step outside my house.
through the help of my parents i'll be looking to find any sort of diagnosis or psychiatric help with my problems, but I've already set a date for my suicide if nothing happens or if it goes wrong.
i hope i can actually go through with something in my life for the first time, that being my suicide.

You can still achieve more

 

[unluckyworshipper]

thank you for all of your kind words, i truly do appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. honestly if it wasn't for my amazing parents i probably would've already ctb
I'm only 19 which is pretty young but i already feel like i missed my chance at having a nice youth and life due to mental illness (squandered even opportunities at having good grades due to no motivation). I've given myself 3 weeks to just try and turn this rut around the best I can but if i can't then i know what i have to do.
just wanted to vent this out somewhere because friends and family are an obvious no go.

 

[Undertow Mermaid]

Your post made me think of myself. I still struggle in my 30s and the sad truth is, unless you can be one of the few who can overcome the uphill battle of dueling your mental illness and your own aspirations you'll fall down over and over. Until you're a nothing in your 30s. I have no job, I have hardly any friends, I'm lucky enough my husband tolerates my useless contributions to our marriage. He tells me all the time "I'll support you if you want to go back to school, just don't give up." But my depression has swallowed any light of ambition I once tried to hold onto.

I feel guilty if I CTB while being married but in the long run, he's told me he doesn't want to be married to someone who doesn't have a job and doesn't try to be a successful person. Maybe by pity he's hanging on hoping I'll get better. But the hard truth is I'm too old now, all my oportunities have vanished. So while you're still young work on yourself, give it another shot, because once you hit that halfway point in your life you realize it's already almost over and you're still doing nothing but waiting to die.

All I do is wait to die, I'm too much of coward to CTB. I'm hoping you won't end up like someone whose chosen to lay down and rot.