Discussion Mental illness in the “perfect” child

[Stick]

Something I experienced growing up and something I've seen a lot of other mentally ill people experience is being praised as a child for being "gifted" or "mature", only to realize in adulthood that the behaviors that made them obedient were very, very unhealthy.
For example, growing up I posted my heart and soul into my studies. I was always obedient and kind to others (mostly), and adults loved me and encouraged those behaviors. But they were so, so wrong to. The reason I was that way was because my entire identity was built on being a good child. I was working so hard so that as an adult I could escape and never come back. For many years, I was genuinely planning on faking my death andleaving everything behind, and I mad myself into a perfectionist so I could survive without a support system once I turned 18.
To me looking back, it seems obvious how I ended up how I am. Burnt out and scared of everything. But my parents and other older adults in my life look back and see the perfect child that I was, when really I never was.
I feel like I've seen a lot of people with a similar experience, though not specifically on this site. Why are such self-destructive processes encouraged so much in children?

 

[yep]

I know a lot of kids like this, I used to have very bad eating habits and I hung around girls with the same problems. they would strive to be the " perfect" weight, and a Lot of this came from growing up to be perfect. They did very well in elementary and middle school and when they got bad grades in high school they couldn't be perfect anymore so they would control their weight because they couldn't control their grades. This happens a lot in kids, you're parents are proud you are doing so well that you get scared to let them down, then you get scared to let yourself down. I was kinda the opposite I was in extra Help class, and I felt like I was letting everyone down so instead I tried to get better. I did for a little bit but then I started to focus on my weight, and after a while I just gave up on everything. I don't think the behaviors are encouraged I think people don't relize what they are doing.

 

[cazwiz]

The OP resonates really strongly with me. I did everything right, compliant child, well-behaved teenager, rarely went out, studied hard, top grades, friends with everyone because I just morphed into whoever anyone wanted me to be so that they liked me. Add to that a background in the care system and adopted as a toddler and you get someone seriously eager to please. Throw that into adulthood and all the promises of hard work, good grades and niceness gets you a good life are shown up to be the biggest con. Instead, it makes an adult with no ability to identify what she does and doesn't like, who can;'t stand up for herself, can't influence people and can't cope with negative feedback. So I get top grades at great universities, am generally well liked by many people but have very few friends, no other half because I'm clueless in relationships, and a menial low pay job because I have no ability to fight my corner and screw people over in the name of achievement and career climbing. Your observations are very true, and I applaud you for explaining it so well.

 

[TheSkyIsBlue]

Yeah, I have a similar experience. People used to tell me that I'm a gifted and an intelligent kid. And look at where I am now. At the end, it didn't matter.

 

[BipolarGuy]

"You never know what's going on behind closed doors..."


...someone trying to open the door.