i fucked up. I am mentally ill, been to psychiatrists but they are hesitant to diagnose me with anything besides unknown mood disorder(mother father and sister have bipolar). I had been accusing my friend of 5 years of lying to me and treating me like shit for a month straight. He is my best friend, the feeling probably isn't mutual anymore but throughout the last 5 years we have been very very close. I fucked up by trying to prove to him that he was lying to me, now his girlfriend who is also my roommate is afraid of me to the point she installed a locking doorknob on their door. I feel terrible. I never saw myself as a threat to anyone and obviously I would never hurt either of them, but now I am being seen as a threat and it hurts way more than i thought. It's my fault, I know throughout that I was losing it, the only reason i kept going was to preserve my ego. I've had the SN for 3 months now, debated it but never broke the oxygen seal of the bottle. I guess now tonights the night. I've written my notes to everyone, I'm just waiting until I can leave to a park without my roomate involving themselves. They don't deserve the trauma.
WOODESITY
Experienced
- Mar 15, 2019
- 217
Really? And you know better what other person's tolerance to life is? You don't know that threshold of others, you don't know that certainly
9BBN
Heaven, send Hell away
- Mar 29, 2021
- 377
Have you tried apologizing to your friend and telling them you feel this way?
Rayzieka
Not Really Here
- Apr 28, 2021
- 637
How is it a lame reason? They're dealing with mental illness and losing someone very important....
meetapple
Mage
- Jun 3, 2021
- 582
I wish you peace if you decide to do this (although you don't have to).
Rayzieka
Not Really Here
- Apr 28, 2021
- 637
Please be more understanding. What you're saying is hurtful.
liberty_222
psychotic
- Nov 28, 2021
- 361
See i kinda understand their pov. I have fucked up in similar ways due to my mental illness throughout my life and after a point, people want to leave. They no longer want to deal with you even after you apologise because our behaviour doesn't change. Not that we don't want to change, we can't change.
mlha
Ex falso quodlibet
- Nov 7, 2021
- 161
@lonleycrowdedwest you say it bothered you that your roommate put a locking doorknob on the door, and you wouldn't hurt them. At the same time, you diagnosed yourself with mental illness.
Think about it like this, if your sister felt scared of the person she lived with, wouldn't you encourage her to get a lock for the door. I would actually advise my sister to leave asap.
What I'm saying is, don't feel hurt by her actions. You scared her, and maybe you don't think you're a threat, but she does. Also, if you are mentally unstable, how can you be certain you wouldn't hurt someone?
Edit: please don't take this as an attack on you, I'm just trying to explain why someone would act they way your roommate did, given the situation as you described.
Edit 2: have you considered seeking treatment. You may have a legitimate chemical imbalance that may be solved by medicine. Doesn't hurt to try, the SN will always be there. Hope you can work through this.
Think about it like this, if your sister felt scared of the person she lived with, wouldn't you encourage her to get a lock for the door. I would actually advise my sister to leave asap.
What I'm saying is, don't feel hurt by her actions. You scared her, and maybe you don't think you're a threat, but she does. Also, if you are mentally unstable, how can you be certain you wouldn't hurt someone?
Edit: please don't take this as an attack on you, I'm just trying to explain why someone would act they way your roommate did, given the situation as you described.
Edit 2: have you considered seeking treatment. You may have a legitimate chemical imbalance that may be solved by medicine. Doesn't hurt to try, the SN will always be there. Hope you can work through this.
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FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 37,138
Living is very painful. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I wish you the best, whatever happens. I hope you find peace if you decide to leave.
i have been on antipsychotics for a number of years, therapy too. It never helps when it comes down to it. I definitely agree that her actions are rational, but this is the final straw for me. Ive been considering suicide for a long time, and am realizing more and more that if its already been years of therapy and meds the eventual possibility that I wont live in suffering isnt worth the time I will have to suffer here.
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You owe it to yourself to get a second opinion. There are so many drugs that have the potential to help - the problem is therapists tend to find one they like and stick with it, regardless of it's efficacy for individual patients. Mental health isn't as simple as hypertension - it may take trial and error to find what works. Maybe even something like marijuana could help.
Thank you for the support. I have tried a number of medications, and while for the most part they keep my mood stable they never help when it gets too bad. Of course I am going to be very very sure to let my friend and his girlfriend know its not their fault. The biggest reason I don't want to do it now is because they may blame themselves, and it is in no way their fault. Theres nothing they could have done to stop this, ive known for a while now this is how im gonna go out.
I fully understand their decision, but I know after this episode ends another one will come sooner or later. I will continue hurting my relationships with my fucking neuroticism.
liberty_222
psychotic
- Nov 28, 2021
- 361
