Help Mental illness/disability - is there hope?

[greenshores]

Hi,
Just wanted to vent and ask for feedback/advice or if anyone has any thoughts on this.

Vulnerability to stress, getting easily overwhelmed to the point of becoming mentally ill - is there a name for it, is there a treatment?

I have been diagnosed with a personality and panic disorder, anxiety and depression. When I was fifteen I thought doctors had it all figured out and, if I followed their recommendations, I would eventually recover and move on in life. Well, after 20 years of trying different combinations of meds and doing therapy, I am still unable to work and am very vulnerable to stress... Facing poverty and loneliness in the years to come.

My vulnerability to stress seems to be the underlying issue(I may be wrong though).
My body goes into emergency mode every time I face any kind of stress(even positive stress). I get overwhelmed easily and that causes my system to break down. Doctors don't seem to have a solution for this other than prescribing pills(which are okay and help me in some ways, but do not bring me to the next level where I can actually work and socialize).

I keep trying and end up failing. Like, I'd get fired for being "slow" or making "too many mistakes". Or I wouldn't even get hired in the first place. Sometime I would quit because of my symptoms.
Long-term support services for people who cannot afford to pay for therapy are nonexistent in my city.
Employment support agencies do not want to deal with me anymore because I am unstable.

At some point in life, I had a dream to buy a small cottage in the middle of nowhere and live close to Mother Nature, doing gardening and working from home. That ain't happening. I have no job, no friends, no kids, no pets, no love...etc. Any kind of creativity is a struggle (but I keep trying to do stuff on my computer anyways and take online courses... what the heck... can't watch netflix 24/7).

Tired of living through the same experience again and again: doing my best to recover only to relapse again and lose everything.
Why can't I just stay well until I retire!
Disabled, mentally ill, isolated, unemployed... The list goes on.
Doctors say there aren't many options left for me at this point.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Welcome to the site. I'm sorry your life circumstances have brought you here.

Have you tried applying for disability? (this will, of course, depend on where you live)

If you have only filed once and been denied, it's important to keep appealing, at least here in the US.

What does your doctor say about your not working? Without his/her help, receiving disability payments is almost impossible.

One good thing about the pandemic is that it has made working from home possible for many situations. Have you tried working remotely?

I collect a small disability pension (not enough to live on) and would love to go back to work, but it's not possible for me. It sucks.

 

[freedompass]

I'm probably not the best person to advise you on this, since I myself have lived this state for 30 plus years (nearly 60 now). Fortunately for me I live in a country that treats its disabled citizens *relatively* well so poverty has not been a huge issue and I lucked out with getting great social housing.

Vulnerability to stress is a marker of many, possibly all mental health conditions. I'm not aware of it being a diagnosis in itself. I think it's great that you do stuff on the computer including online classes. Technology is a big lifesaver for me too. You may be able to find some kind of remote working position that was non stressful? I know everyone trots out 'volunteer work' as a panacea for all ills. Annoys the crap out of me! You can tell most of them have never volunteered and probably never would. Volunteer work can be as stressful as anything paid so yeah. Sorry, that's my pet peeve, I know it works for some people, you could be one of them?

Anyway I've done my share of volunteering, classes and involvement in my community over the years. Nowadays I live a quieter life, somewhat detached from all the problems of this world. You can find a life that works for you with a bit of luck (for me that came down to income and housing) plus being willing to push yourself a little. I wish you the best!

 

[solisoccasus]

we're prolly going thru the same rn and to be honest it's all pretty fucked up. How we struggle to get up everyday and live despite of wanting to end it all
And i don't think what we feel can be treated or cured. there's no treatment
And i don't think what we feel can be treated or cured. there's no treatment

 

[greenshores]

@UpandDownPrincess, thanks for the quick response.
I am grateful to be receiving a small pension as well. It is below the poverty line but it keeps me going.
It is a small amount because they expect people to work part-time but not all people can.
Do you know people who have lived on disability for a long time? What are their lives like?

Remote work is a good idea and I am going to give it another go for sure.

Last summer I tried working for a cleaning company. Got screamed at by the company owner who told me I was inexperienced and very slow. They ask for years of experience cleaning toilets! And people line up for that kind of work. Business owners can afford to pick and choose the best cleaning experts out there.

Working online offers more flexibility but there are things to be prepared for. I am starting to feel like a fraud and like I have nothing to offer to potential clients/employers. Last time I got so stressed over a freelance assignment (and some interpersonal issues) that I failed to communicate with my team about a technical issue with their system. I got so scared to even respond to messages or answer phone calls... After a few attempts to reach me, they left a bad review and that was the end of my freelance career. I should have talked to their developer but I got so scared I couldn't think straight. I just took my pills and slept for days to escape it all, which was a terrible way to deal with it, but I had no energy to talk to people about what was going on. I felt so embarrassed to check out like this but couldn't help it. I was too tired and too afraid to even think straight. I was going through some interpersonal issues at the time, so that sucked all the energy out of me.

This time, I am not engaging in any personal relationships so that all my energy could be dedicated to remote work. But I have a bad feeling about it... One unhappy client and that's it.

Talking to doctors feels like hitting a brick wall at times. I remember talking to a psychiatrist about my poor performance at work and that I was about to relapse. Well, she suggested an ECT treatment. Like, how would that help me with work? They are not open to discussing potential side effects or ways of coping with side effects. "It's your depression." Sure. NO one wants to talk about how antidepressants may cause suicidal thoughts... Argh... The system! They offer no long-term support. Once they realize I am hopeless, they either close my file or send me back to my family physician. I keep going in circles. I am currently waiting to see another doc at the local hospital but I feel it is going to be the same routine: sedating pills, hospitalization, lots of time wasted sleeping, ECT, repeat.

The pills they give me are too sedating and mind-numbing but they do help prevent panic attacks.

There must be something else to try, maybe a small change that could lead to more positive lifestyle changes... But it's hard for someone with a genetic predisposition to mental illness(nearly impossible or impossible).

@solisoccassus, yeah, they just keep prescribing the same meds. They are expensive and still there are no cures for personality disorders, schizophrenia, developmental disorders and the like.
Perhaps, I am too critical of doctors, but I find it hard to respect the ones who publish scientific articles in prestigious journals while their patients keep dying by suicide because they had changed their meds and never prepared for possible consequences.
Thanks for sharing.

@freedompass, thanks for sharing your thoughts and it's good to "hear" that you have a place to live. Social housing is hard to come by where I live. Back in day they had more options for people it seems. I often wonder why they make camping illegal in many places and tiny homes so expensive, but that's besides the topic...
I hope I can learn the art of living quietly "somewhat detached from all the problems of this world" some day. :)
Volunteer work is something that actually works for some people, including me. I do gardening for a local nonprofit in spring/summer. Good thing about them - they don't make you stick to a strict schedule. You can just sign up for an event, like tree planting, literally one day before or even on the same day.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

@greenshores

I only know of one person who has lived for quite a while on a small pension. She does work part-time, but it is just a few hours each week. She rents a room from another woman who would otherwise live alone (think Golden Girls.)

When it first became obvious that she wasn't going to keep up her previous standard of living (she had been receiving child support, but kids grow up eventually) she floundered and worried quite a bit, but it all worked out in the end.

Other people I know who could be in similar situations have been very lucky or very willing to live off someone else. One older woman I know lived with her boyfriend/companion until he passed away and then inherited his condominium. Another wound up with an inheritance from an older relative.

The only thing I can think of is that all of these people, as well as myself, needed the help of someone else to really flourish. In some cases, that person had to die to provide that help, but I have to admit that I'm not sure I know anyone who lives on a disability allowance and is "living their best life." I really want to be more encouraging, but this is the truth for me.

Perhaps simpler work from home would be better? I have friends who work some pretty boring jobs because they have great hobbies and the paycheck is just a means to an end. I know exactly how you feel about your freelance work. I am almost pathologically afraid of having those kinds of discussions and push them off until I am in trouble. It was one of the patterns I fell into when I was working and keeps me from really accomplishing much, even now.

If I could work at all, it would have to be something simple so that it wouldn't stress me out. I need less responsibility and more busywork. Maybe you are the same?

Anyway, I've rambled on quite enough. I'm sorry this response took so long, but I've been frantically busy the last few days.

Take care.

 

[Simba]

Hey i know this is late but did you try getting diagnosed for autism ? I could relate to fair amount of your writing ,i can easily get overwhelmed and frustrated too specifically more when is to do with talking to people or social stuff.. i can also relate to fact you couldn't communicate well to your colleagues or whatever n when youre a freelancer you just got embarrassed or whatever so you just said nothing.. almost like you shutting down n what not.. might make bit sense if it were autism dunno what else tho ,hugs you