Venting Mental health is draining so fast it's insane

[LifeOfTheCursed]

Trigger Warning : considering this site it's kinda weird to leave this here but just in case. This thread contains mentions of abuse, prostitution, grave mental health problems such as Psychosis and probably a lot more swears than usual. Both in the main thread itself and in the replies i will give for the next couple of hours or so. I will try to keep swearing to a minimum.

I'mma be honest with you all, i'd rather live than die. I want to keep chasing my dreams and i want to struggle out of this mess and just live the way everyone else does around me but i genuinely feel like i will never get out of this.

I've got all the reasons to do it, and every reason to not ctb is invalidated by one of the reasons to ctb. I'm fucked mentally, i've been too dumb to move out of a corner for well over two years and now EVERYONE who could take advantage has already done so, pushing myself even more into that corner. My family is shit, a mom who hides her infidelity alongside her extra cash for our family, some asshole of a boyfriend and "father" obsessed with mom's first born which is god damn 19 years old now to be paid 7000 euros monthly by 2026, alongside the fact he is obsessed with control, "self sacrificing himself for his sons" and being the main damned reason i have succumbed so low mentally to the point of having psychosis episodes regulary, being partially detached from reality, not recognizing myself in the mirror and wanting to punch that reflection and the only reason why i have not jumped off this building is that i keep supplying my brain with dopamine and instead of taking the jump i say "hold up, i'm feeling rather good rn" and go back in my apartment. No wonder you feel good in the moment when you're one step away from leaving this world and your brain is drowning in coffeine, while before you climbed the rooftop you watched some porn and an hour worth of youtube shorts.

The only reason why i keep logging back to this site is because i STILL look for excuses to keep living when i should be dropping dead. I'm stalling myself once again instead of doing a move.

I genuinely do not know what on god's green earth i should be doing now, i already know that if i climb that rooftop i'll STILL find an excuse to go back down. I wish i had a gun because it takes ONE finger twitch which is not a lot considering my hands and arms keep twitching like hell.

 

[Abyssal]

I am glad to see you are still alive as well, even if that's personally selfish of me. When you said you were going to ctb on my thread I felt a sort of companionship, especially since I've been watching your account over time (It's a really eye catching avatar!).

I think you should try and fight your reasons to ctb. Sure, those reasons seem validated and are very strong, but (and don't kill me for this) they are only as strong as you make them. Those who want to live deserve to, and you can always ctb at a later date if you decide to. I don't doubt that you've probably exhausted your options, I know I certainly have, but the fact that you want to live leads me to believe there's some hope left inside you.

As a wise anime girl once told me "hope is to be created, not found." Rather than search for reasons to live, maybe you can create one? Idk good luck.

 

[LifeOfTheCursed]

I am glad to see you are still alive as well, even if that's personally selfish of me. When you said you were going to ctb on my thread I felt a sort of companionship, especially since I've been watching your account over time (It's a really eye catching avatar!).

I think you should try and fight your reasons to ctb. Sure, those reasons seem validated and are very strong, but (and don't kill me for this) they are only as strong as you make them. Those who want to live deserve to, and you can always ctb at a later date if you decide to. I don't doubt that you've probably exhausted your options, I know I certainly have, but the fact that you want to live leads me to believe there's some hope left inside you.

As a wise anime girl once told me "hope is to be created, not found." Rather than search for reasons to live, maybe you can create one? Idk good luck.

It just feels like the end of the line for me no matter what i'll do.

The thing about mom's boyfriend is that he is way too obsessive of me. We've had whole fights in our home because i was eating the meatballs in my soup without cutting them first with my spoon... we've had so many fights, so many arguments and so many sleepless nights over "rich man problems". I've tried being obedient, there is ALWAYS something to fight about. I've tried standing up in front of him. Mom just cannot choose between "the love of her life" and her fucking sons, she keeps trying pleasing both sides and ends up not doing anything at all, but eveh when i stand up i had whole ass arguments of mine invalidated because OF SLIGHT GRAMMAR MISTAKES. And after the man points out said grammar mistakes guess who'se side mom is all of a sudden, because i ain't seeing no one by my side.

Why don't i just completely cut contacts with them. It's impossible. One time i wrote him a long message saying sorry for something i've done. I ain't perfect, i'm doing mistakes and when i do i apologise, i'm coming back home to that man waiting for me outside the apartment complex. Tells me aggresively to come inside and then he tells me "never again make me sent my men after your ass" apparently he sent a couple of men to spy on me BECAUSE HE THOUGHT I WAS GONNA KILL MYSELF WHEN I WAS NOT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT. And as a sick joke or something a month later i see him sitting at a table with another man in our kitchen and casually tells me "btw this is one of the men i sent after you back then"...there have been a good number of ocasions after that when he admitted he sent men to stalk me.

Then leave their asses. Cut contacts with them. I can't do that either. Mom is a bitch but she had it rough in her life, i can't just leave her. And same goes for my little brother. I can't just LEAVE him alone with these psychos. The best i managed to do is move out of the apartment but even now i still am at risk of his rich-man problems because he has a copy of my apartment keys and all it takes is one unnanounced visit of his for a whole fight to break over a bit of dust on my shoe stand. "Cut contacts with him" i hear you say but him and mom became pretty much one person. Can't cut contacts with one if i don't with the other too.

To cut it short because i accidentally wrote all that during one of my episodes. It feels like the end of the line, sticking with my family will only stress me out more. I am unable to fully leave them unless i completely cut contacts with them and move out of town. Because if i stop talking with them and still live here all it takes for him is one phone call to find out everything he needs to know. Even if i do fully leave them my mental health has degraded too much. I look at my own reflection i want to punch and strangle it and i have no idea why. I don't think i'll ever be able to have a decent life anymore because of this.

And as a side note. I came back from the rooftop again. I was planning on doing it but i ended up stalling myself once more until the urge to do it was gone and i was getting cold.
Also abyssal as a fun side note, my profile pic really is eye catching but for the wrong reasons lol.