SoulWhisperer
Severe Medical Phobia « MtF »
- Nov 13, 2023
- 456
I've always been fucked up mentally ever since my life has started to go shit (and never stopped to this day), to the point that sometimes when my mind has mental trips close to psychotic episodes minus the physical part I just live visions of me CTBing in various ways, different methods each time, different situations each time inside my mind.
What amazes me is that when it happens the focus is usually more on my emotions and the circumstances of things around me rather than the attempt itself.
When the scenario is in a pubic setting (such as jumping) I usually picture myself as hysterically manic, yelling at people around me trying to stop me and think what would realistically happen. When instead I'm alone like in my house I just picture myself as blissfully happy and peaceful, minus the fear.
It's like "fantasizing" but death version. I never saw my own death as something dramatic, I'm so done with life I would see CTB as an opportunity to have some never-felt thrill as well. I hate my body and myself so much I want to destroy every bit of it to punish it. People have fucked me mentally way too much for me to care about things any more. Don't care about what I "could've been", I'm fucked and that's it.
What amazes me is that when it happens the focus is usually more on my emotions and the circumstances of things around me rather than the attempt itself.
When the scenario is in a pubic setting (such as jumping) I usually picture myself as hysterically manic, yelling at people around me trying to stop me and think what would realistically happen. When instead I'm alone like in my house I just picture myself as blissfully happy and peaceful, minus the fear.
It's like "fantasizing" but death version. I never saw my own death as something dramatic, I'm so done with life I would see CTB as an opportunity to have some never-felt thrill as well. I hate my body and myself so much I want to destroy every bit of it to punish it. People have fucked me mentally way too much for me to care about things any more. Don't care about what I "could've been", I'm fucked and that's it.
