Venting Memories coming in and never leaving

[Stick]

What do I do when my brain decides what it will think for the day? Sometimes when I think of things the thought just stays and replays and replays and replays and won't stop until I fall asleep.

Today I'm tormented by a memory I had in middle school. I was auditioning for a regional orchestra band, and I had practiced so much and I honestly used to be really good at my clarinet, but when I had to audition I was so anxious I was crying and hyperventilating and I thought I would pass out, but I was breathing so hard I couldn't play. My ten minute audition went on for half an hour and all I got through were some scales, i didn't even get to the song. I fucked it up so bad, I made the band only because they desperately needed clarinets and they accepted everyone who auditioned that year.
My brain is choosing to ignore the fact that once I made the band, I practiced so much that it was second nature, so when I had to prove I knew the music (they screen you before practice for two days and then a concert on the last), I knew the music so well and played so well that I was moved up to principle chair.
But my mind won't let me think of that part, it only wants to focus on the fact that I was so scared. I was so scared and that's all I can remember.

I'm sorry for making so many threads today, I just... my brain has been really active today and I don't know why.

 

[Panna]

If it bothers you then actively focus on it. I don't have it similar, but I tend to have embarassing or just bad experiences that I have gone through just pop into my head randomly, that cause me to freak out even though they happened years ago. What I do is focus on the thought entirely even though it still bothers me, and also focus on what they cause me to feel, and it helps to reduce their effects as opposed to immediately trying to push them out of my head. trying to avoid the thought because it hurts only reinforces it, at least in my experience. Sorry for potentially coming off as a filthy know it all, im not, hopefully im not missing the point.

 

[Mr2005]

I've had the same memory playing on constant loop 24 hours a day for the last ten years. You can't live like that you can only try not to kill yourself and distract by any means possible.

 

[SipSop]

Yeah.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Some people say "The past is gone, just forget it." Nonsense. The past is the foundation upon which you build your life. It is everything you have ever learned and every experience you have ever had. It makes you who you are. You can't ignore the past. You can accept it and move on from it, but you can't ignore it. Well, you can, but it will come back to bite you in the arse.
Maybe your subconsciousness is trying to tell you something by putting the memory front and centre?

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Ooh boy, I know the feeling.
When it begins to really bother me and distract me from the things I am actually supposed to focus on, what helps me is playing around with a memory. I usually replay it in my head in detail, and then imagine scenarios of how it could've gone differently. Sometimes I proceed to increasingly fantastic scenarious, until my brain finally recognises that this event is not what is currently happening and only exists in my imagination in the moment, then the thought usually leaves. Not sure if it can help you, though. Hope your brain leaves you be soon, having memories on loop sucks.