Meeting up with friends who know you're suicidal

[Ash]

A friend, who knows my recent and past history, got in touch earlier to say she's in the area next week and suggested meeting up. I've said yes but then the anxiety kicked in about how much much weight I've put on, the fact that I've done nothing except cut and continue to go through crisis after crisis since I last saw her a few months ago, that I've got two massive dressings on my wrist and forearm that will not be healed by Tuesday morning, that I'm exhausted and suicidal half the time and my PTSD is in overdrive and I don't want to share any of that over a cup of tea in garden centre cafe.

I'm trying to be reasonable with myself but she's just messaged and said that another mutual friend is coming along too and I don't know what to think. This friend stayed up with me all night while we waited for the transport to come to take me to the secure ward back in the winter and looked after my dog while I was there, but then went off the radar and has barely been in touch since so my paranoia, also in overdrive along with the PTSD, is asking all sorts of questions.

I'm trying to take it at face value: a tea/coffee with friends. If there's an agenda, so be it. We'll be in public, I'll have to mask and then I can come home and fall to pieces when I get back. If it's a heart to heart and an apology? Well I've got things I need to apologise for, too. I haven't brought it up as this friend hasn't been answering my calls.

The last paragraph is, I should say, an aim rather than how I'm actually feeling. You know how toddlers scribble and tell you it's a tree? That's me inside right now.

 

[Tesha]

I wasn't sure if this was a vent or a request for advice… so I'm just going to say, as someone who has CPTSD, I've learned that when I'm going through repeat crisis, I tend to expose myself to more emotional abuse from others - because I think that's all I deserve and 'pain' is my comfort zone. I find it very difficult to be kind to myself, but occasionally I do recognise that I would be getting nothing out of meeting people, so I don't. I cancel. I put my needs first.

 

[dinosavr]

In my opinion you should tell her whatever you want. Depending on how much you trust her and how talkative you'll be that day. BUT as long as you tell her directly and underline the fact that you're still fighting (doesn't matter if it's true or not) and I think it's necessary to remember to tell her what she can do to help you. Most people really hate being helpless. And if you don't need anything from her, just tell her that seeing her helped you a lot (again, doesn't matter if it's true or not). Even though depressed, you are still a human being with human needs to not be alone all the damn time. You deserve it like crazy. If you don't feel the absolute need to isolate yourself, don't do it. Keeping my fingers crossed for you <3

 

[rozeske]

I don't really have anything useful to say as I have made it a point not to see the outside world, but just wanted to say good luck if you choose to. Update us if you can <3

 

[Ash]

The second friend didn't turn up. Wish she'd not bothered saying anything at all. First friend and I had a lovely morning. I avoided talking about me in any meaningful way but kept making silly mistakes with words (things like "tree aerial"). At the end, she gave me a prolonged hug with sound effects which I took to mean she saw the dressings I was trying to hide, and more importantly, saw through all my bluster but was following my lead. Anyway, I got some new plants for the garden and some new ideas for next year if I keep plodding on instead of killing myself. (I hate having a foot in both camps. I'm simultaneously planning my life and my death and it's exhausting.)

Anyway, that's that. No more socialising on the calendar at all except for the neighbours. Fingers crossed it stays like that for a while as the stress of it all is exhausting.

 

[rozeske]

You did good by going. I'm glad you made it beck in one piece? :)

 

[Linda]

A friend, who knows my recent and past history, got in touch earlier to say she's in the area next week and suggested meeting up. I've said yes but then the anxiety kicked in about how much much weight I've put on, the fact that I've done nothing except cut and continue to go through crisis after crisis since I last saw her a few months ago, that I've got two massive dressings on my wrist and forearm that will not be healed by Tuesday morning, that I'm exhausted and suicidal half the time and my PTSD is in overdrive and I don't want to share any of that over a cup of tea in garden centre cafe.

I'm trying to be reasonable with myself but she's just messaged and said that another mutual friend is coming along too and I don't know what to think. This friend stayed up with me all night while we waited for the transport to come to take me to the secure ward back in the winter and looked after my dog while I was there, but then went off the radar and has barely been in touch since so my paranoia, also in overdrive along with the PTSD, is asking all sorts of questions.

I'm trying to take it at face value: a tea/coffee with friends. If there's an agenda, so be it. We'll be in public, I'll have to mask and then I can come home and fall to pieces when I get back. If it's a heart to heart and an apology? Well I've got things I need to apologise for, too. I haven't brought it up as this friend hasn't been answering my calls.

The last paragraph is, I should say, an aim rather than how I'm actually feeling. You know how toddlers scribble and tell you it's a tree? That's me inside right now.

I suggest you go, and be yourself. People usually appreciate honesty. Don't overwhelm them with your problems, but don't pretend you don't have problems. (That might involve a bit of a balancing act. You may not want to tell them everything, but you shouldn't lie to them either.)
You might get a suprise. If they see that you can be (reasonably) honest about your problems, they might feel able to open up about theirs.

 

[Ash]

I suggest you go, and be yourself. People usually appreciate honesty. Don't overwhelm them with your problems, but don't pretend you don't have problems. (That might involve a bit of a balancing act. You may not want to tell them everything, but you shouldn't lie to them either.)
You might get a suprise. If they see that you can be (reasonably) honest about your problems, they might feel able to open up about theirs.

Thanks for your input, Linda. If you see my post above, it was this morning.

 

[Linda]

Thanks for your input, Linda. If you see my post above, it was this morning.

Sorry, my mistake.

 

[Ash]

Sorry, my mistake.

No worries! Just didn't want a sudden flurry of people joining in now you'd posted!