Venting "meant to die"

[hyacinths]

sometimes i find myself wondering if some people were just meant to die. if there's a specific type of person that is supposed to feel empty and suicidal most of the time, and that they were brought here just to eventually commit suicide. and then i wonder if i am that exact type of person. ive spent most of my life suffering from extreme anxiety and depression, i barely had a childhood because of it. i remember sitting on my bed, twelve years old, crying silently and begging for something to kill me. i remember begging god to finally end my life, despite not growing up in a religious household. yet i never had anything horrible happen in my life, nothing so horrible that a child would feel compelled to ask a higher power to end their life. was i just meant to always feel this way - lonely, empty, and hopeless? will i spend the rest of my days wishing for the courage to off myself until i finally muster up the courage? i could likely count the days on my hands that i have gone without thinking of suicide in the past ten years. its become a sort of comfort to me at this point, to know that one day ill be dead. i never anticipated to have a future out of high school and now that its here i wish more than ever that my first attempt had succeeded. no more pain, no more suffering. my life has gone nowhere and i sit in my parents house, unemployed and too unmotivated to start anything with the likely small amount of time i have left. i have no real friendships or connections with others - they're all shallow. its a bit sad, really, to know that the people around me all have such bright and happy lives yet here i am - seemingly destined to wish for nothing but death. how pathetic must i be in the eyes of people who are actually worth something.

 

[Thingsneverchange]

I agree. I also feel like nothing I have experienced is bad enough so that anyone can understand why I want to commit suicide. Nobody gets it. I just want to because I hate life. And I hate myself.

 

[SOL3HIRO]

This is def something that I believe. I believe that I am one of the ones who is supposed to suffer and CTB. We all have different beliefs but I believe in fate and I believe that this is my fate.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

Same. I can't imagine myself living life like a normal, well-adjusted, happy person. Death is the only thing I feel certain about.

 

[hyacinths]

Same. I can't imagine myself living life like a normal, well-adjusted, happy person. Death is the only thing I feel certain about.

its just a sort of comfort i have in the back of my head - always. its like no matter how bad i fuck up at least i have suicide as a backup plan LMAO

 

[OnlyTheWind]

its just a sort of comfort i have in the back of my head - always. its like no matter how bad i fuck up at least i have suicide as a backup plan LMAO

Very comforting indeed. Even when I think of all the stuff that causes me anxiety or makes me feel hopeless, there is always a way out.

 

[toforigivelife]

sometimes i find myself wondering if some people were just meant to die. if there's a specific type of person that is supposed to feel empty and suicidal most of the time, and that they were brought here just to eventually commit suicide. and then i wonder if i am that exact type of person. ive spent most of my life suffering from extreme anxiety and depression, i barely had a childhood because of it. i remember sitting on my bed, twelve years old, crying silently and begging for something to kill me. i remember begging god to finally end my life, despite not growing up in a religious household. yet i never had anything horrible happen in my life, nothing so horrible that a child would feel compelled to ask a higher power to end their life. was i just meant to always feel this way - lonely, empty, and hopeless? will i spend the rest of my days wishing for the courage to off myself until i finally muster up the courage? i could likely count the days on my hands that i have gone without thinking of suicide in the past ten years. its become a sort of comfort to me at this point, to know that one day ill be dead. i never anticipated to have a future out of high school and now that its here i wish more than ever that my first attempt had succeeded. no more pain, no more suffering. my life has gone nowhere and i sit in my parents house, unemployed and too unmotivated to start anything with the likely small amount of time i have left. i have no real friendships or connections with others - they're all shallow. its a bit sad, really, to know that the people around me all have such bright and happy lives yet here i am - seemingly destined to wish for nothing but death. how pathetic must i be in the eyes of people who are actually worth something.

I can relate to everything in your post. You sound like me, especially when I was young. I've also always wondered if I was somehow just not designed to live a long life.

One thing you may want to consider, however. The feelings of anxiety, depression, emptiness and the lack of motivation can also be signs of undiagnosed epilepsy. Temporal Lobe Epilepsy.

A lot of times doctors will treat symptoms of anxiety without looking further to see if the feelings of anxiety stem from developing temporal lobe epilepsy.

Epilepsy can be sneaky, it can creep up on you.

The diagnosis process can involve an MRI and that's not really a huge deal. Would your parents be open to having you go in for a diagnosis?

It would be worth looking into to see if you have it. If you catch it while you're young you can mange and start treating it rather than letting it slowly take its toll on your mind.

Just a thought.

 

[hyacinths]

I can relate to everything in your post. You sound like me, especially when I was young. I've also always wondered if I was somehow just not designed to live a long life.

One thing you may want to consider, however. The feelings of anxiety, depression, emptiness and the lack of motivation can also be signs of undiagnosed epilepsy. Temporal Lobe Epilepsy.

A lot of times doctors will treat symptoms of anxiety without looking further to see if the feelings of anxiety stem from developing temporal lobe epilepsy.

Epilepsy can be sneaky, it can creep up on you.

The diagnosis process can involve an MRI and that's not really a huge deal. Would your parents be open to having you go in for a diagnosis?

It would be worth looking into to see if you have it. If you catch it while you're young you can mange and start treating it rather than letting it slowly take its toll on your mind.

Just a thought.

i appreciate the thought, but i think a lot of my problems with motivation come from my adhd diagnosis and my unhealthy dependency on weed lolol. but still, its something to look out for and its always good to research any possibilities. i havent had an in-depth conversation about my anxiety and depression before with a professional, besides from general therapy every once in a while.

edit: also wanted to mention that i haven't suffered any of the side effects from temporal lobe epilepsy that ive noticed, but ill be on the lookout from now on! anything helps

 

[toforigivelife]

i appreciate the thought, but i think a lot of my problems with motivation come from my adhd diagnosis and my unhealthy dependency on weed lolol. but still, its something to look out for and its always good to research any possibilities. i havent had an in-depth conversation about my anxiety and depression before with a professional, besides from general therapy every once in a while.

edit: also wanted to mention that i haven't suffered any of the side effects from temporal lobe epilepsy that ive noticed, but ill be on the lookout from now on! anything helps

Sometimes "professional help" doesn't "help" when you're depressed. Sometimes depression is just that bad.

While depression does not always go hand in hand with epilepsy, some epileptics have epilepsy and seizures but no mood disorders, but anxiety symptoms and even ADHD symptoms - racing thoughts, inability to focus - can be symptomatic of epilepsy.

It might be worth looking into if you feel up to it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly feel as though I am meant to die. I view my existence as a mistake, I believe I should not have been born. Life is just not for me, I do not belong in this world. I simply do not like living and I just cannot cope with life. It is the only thing that feels right to me, thinking about death. I understand how you feel, I have a very empty life.

 

[Snake of Eden]

This is def something that I believe. I believe that I am one of the ones who is supposed to suffer and CTB. We all have different beliefs but I believe in fate and I believe that this is my fate.

I feel the same exact thing. I feel my life path was set for me to fail in life and always be miserable. I question if I am also supposed to suicide over it.

 

[moonangel18]

sometimes i find myself wondering if some people were just meant to die. if there's a specific type of person that is supposed to feel empty and suicidal most of the time, and that they were brought here just to eventually commit suicide. and then i wonder if i am that exact type of person. ive spent most of my life suffering from extreme anxiety and depression, i barely had a childhood because of it. i remember sitting on my bed, twelve years old, crying silently and begging for something to kill me. i remember begging god to finally end my life, despite not growing up in a religious household. yet i never had anything horrible happen in my life, nothing so horrible that a child would feel compelled to ask a higher power to end their life. was i just meant to always feel this way - lonely, empty, and hopeless? will i spend the rest of my days wishing for the courage to off myself until i finally muster up the courage? i could likely count the days on my hands that i have gone without thinking of suicide in the past ten years. its become a sort of comfort to me at this point, to know that one day ill be dead. i never anticipated to have a future out of high school and now that its here i wish more than ever that my first attempt had succeeded. no more pain, no more suffering. my life has gone nowhere and i sit in my parents house, unemployed and too unmotivated to start anything with the likely small amount of time i have left. i have no real friendships or connections with others - they're all shallow. its a bit sad, really, to know that the people around me all have such bright and happy lives yet here i am - seemingly destined to wish for nothing but death. how pathetic must i be in the eyes of people who are actually worth something.

We are exactly on the same page.

 

[SelfLiberation]

I relate to every point you brought. I believe it is my destiny to end myself

 

[fox_wannabe]

Makes me cry, I see myself in this post. I used to think like that, now I do not think about this and distract myself with games and SS forum and cooking for myself. And sleeping. Loooot of sleeping. I do not engage with anybody who have "normal life" and is in my age group but I am generally really alone. Do not be fooled I am just distracting myself from being social outcast and being depressed.

 

[hyacinths]

Makes me cry, I see myself in this post. I used to think like that, now I do not think about this and distract myself with games and SS forum and cooking for myself. And sleeping. Loooot of sleeping. I do not engage with anybody who have "normal life" and is in my age group but I am generally really alone. Do not be fooled I am just distracting myself from being social outcast and being depressed.

i understand that a lot. im trying to avoid any suicidal thoughts, but its always something that comes up. i keep myself busy with video games, sometimes friends (although most of those relationships are shallow - mostly my fault because i don't like to speak about my issues to people i know closely). but i never know how to actually stop feeling like this, at this point i feel like i just need to accept i will never live a life where suicide isn't my first immediate answer to my problems.

 

[fox_wannabe]

i just need to accept i will never live a life where suicide isn't my first immediate answer to my problems.

I also revert back to my suicide ideation when in troubles. College is big suicide fuel, relationships, work... eh..
(Do you play warzone? sorry had to ask)

 

[hyacinths]

yeah. i wish my brain didn't automatically go back to the same dark space every time an incovience shows up.

(ahh no im a big genshin and final fantasy player hahaa - i love rpgs)