BlueWidow
Visionary
- Oct 6, 2019
- 2,179
I've been trying to post this message all night, but there's something wrong with the site and I can't send any replies or start any threads. I can login, but the box to type dialogue in for a reply or to start a thread is missing. I've loaded and reloaded the site multiple times on my phone, my Kindle, and my PC computer and it's the same on all of them. So, I thought I'd write a thread in the Notes on my phone and if I ever get a chance to post it, I'll just paste it on there when I get the chance.
So right now it's Friday January 17th about 9:30 at night on the west coast of the United States. The last few days I've been having an extremely hard time due to severe exhaustion and brain fog. I feel like I'm walking through a maze of quicksand. I'm trying to push my way through and find the passage that leads me to ctb and ultimate relief, but I keep getting sidetracked and going in the wrong direction because it's hard to continue pushing through this quicksand.
My worst fear came true yesterday when my SIL called me and wanted to go out to lunch with her. I've actually had enough time over the last few weeks alone that I've been able to start disengaging myself from this world. The problem is every time I start to feel like I'm pulled away enough that I can ctb more easily, she calls me up and attempts to pull me back in. Yesterday when she called, I was half asleep and in no condition to answer the phone, particularly when I looked on the caller ID and saw that it was her. She called me twice but I didn't answer the phone or call her back. So, of course, she called me again today numerous times. I realize there was no way I could get her to leave me alone and that she would just continue calling me and calling me until I went out to lunch with her. Of course, I was really in no mood to leave my house because I was exhausted and dizzy and brain foggy and not interested in going out in the rain and the cold, but my feelings don't matter. How I feel and what I want doesn't matter at all. It's all about her. She immediately started in about how she's going to take me to the University here so they can "figure out what's wrong with me, as far as my thyroid goes". I've told her over and over it was a futile effort and that I'd already been trying for 25 years, but wait. . . . She knew a woman who had lupus and the University, they figured out what was wrong with her. Oh and there was that other woman that had that other disease and they also helped her, so of course they're going to figure out what's wrong with me.
The other thing she doesn't understand and then I can't explain to her is that, even if they could figure it out, it wouldn't make any difference to me. Nothing matters to me without my husband, but I can't say that to her without tipping her off to my plans. And of course she kept telling me over and over how much she loves me and how young I am and how she needs me to be around. . . blah blah blah. It feels like I'm caught in an endless maze and no matter which passage I go down, I end up back where I started. I get so close to ctb, and then it all seems to get messed up or taken away from me again. Luckily, I didn't have to spend a whole lot of time with her today because we went to a local restaurant near my house and her husband was there and he won't stay out very long. She basically came and got me, we went to eat, and she brought me straight back home. But she said she would see me again, hopefully in just a few days. I keep praying for a big snowstorm to hit like we had last year that trapped me in my house for an entire month so that I have some time to myself because now that she's healed from her surgery and is no longer sick from the pneumonia, she's just going to be all over me until I agree to go to these fucking doctors at the University. I made such a huge mistake moving here. I had no clue it was going to be like this living close to her. The other thing she doesn't understand that I can't tell her is that I didn't move here to be near her. I moved here to be near my husband's grave so that when I go, they can just pick me up and take me right over there. But I can't say that without tipping her off. There just seems to be no way to get her to leave me alone. I feel trapped and stuck. And of course, I can't do or say anything without looking like an ungrateful bitch, because after all she's "only trying to help me". I've been reading Stan's thread again about SN. It says the most you need is 4 hours. I'm assuming I would die long before 4 hours, but I want to make sure I have the maximum amount of time. My fear is that I would do it and she would come at the very end, just in time to save me. I intend to do it in the early evening so I have the maximum amount of time that I can have. It's probably overkill to think I need 24 hours, but I would feel comfortable if I had at least that much time. But with her I never know what's going to happen. I never know when she's just going to decide to barge into my house uninvited. And with my brain fog and exhaustion, I'm so dizzy and I have so many memory issues right now that I'm afraid I'm going to inadvertently say something to her without realizing that I said it or reveal something about my plans without realizing I'm doing it. That's one of the reasons I don't want to be around her right now. I wish she'd just leave me long enough so I can do it in a way that feels best for me. I can't even fucking kill myself the way I want to without other people trying to interfere!
I've been struggling all month to get my plans in order, and I had hoped that I would have everything done before she recovered from her surgeries and her pneumonia and so forth. It's not that I wish her ill, but I do wish something would happen to take her attention away from me for about a month, or even another couple of weeks would be fine with me. But in order for that to happen someone else that she loved would have to be sick or something, or she would have to end up back in the hospital, or we would have to have a snowstorm so that she couldn't get over here to where I am. And if there's any way that she could call me, I know she would be incessantly calling me if I didn't answer the phone.
I still have a few last minute things to complete and then I should be all ready to ctb. Then I'm going to spend a day or two reading and rereading my plan just to make sure I have it down. Then I will post my goodbye thread and start my 48 hour regime, The the way my SIL keeps interfering, I may end up having to do the stat dose instead. I may read up on that and do that instead. I would feel better doing the 48 hour regime just because it might mean that I would be less likely to throw up, but apparently I don't even have the freedom to choose the way that I want to end my life without fear that she might interfere and screw everything up for me.
Anyway, just wanted to vent. I hope the site is working tomorrow so I can post this.
So right now it's Friday January 17th about 9:30 at night on the west coast of the United States. The last few days I've been having an extremely hard time due to severe exhaustion and brain fog. I feel like I'm walking through a maze of quicksand. I'm trying to push my way through and find the passage that leads me to ctb and ultimate relief, but I keep getting sidetracked and going in the wrong direction because it's hard to continue pushing through this quicksand.
My worst fear came true yesterday when my SIL called me and wanted to go out to lunch with her. I've actually had enough time over the last few weeks alone that I've been able to start disengaging myself from this world. The problem is every time I start to feel like I'm pulled away enough that I can ctb more easily, she calls me up and attempts to pull me back in. Yesterday when she called, I was half asleep and in no condition to answer the phone, particularly when I looked on the caller ID and saw that it was her. She called me twice but I didn't answer the phone or call her back. So, of course, she called me again today numerous times. I realize there was no way I could get her to leave me alone and that she would just continue calling me and calling me until I went out to lunch with her. Of course, I was really in no mood to leave my house because I was exhausted and dizzy and brain foggy and not interested in going out in the rain and the cold, but my feelings don't matter. How I feel and what I want doesn't matter at all. It's all about her. She immediately started in about how she's going to take me to the University here so they can "figure out what's wrong with me, as far as my thyroid goes". I've told her over and over it was a futile effort and that I'd already been trying for 25 years, but wait. . . . She knew a woman who had lupus and the University, they figured out what was wrong with her. Oh and there was that other woman that had that other disease and they also helped her, so of course they're going to figure out what's wrong with me.
The other thing she doesn't understand and then I can't explain to her is that, even if they could figure it out, it wouldn't make any difference to me. Nothing matters to me without my husband, but I can't say that to her without tipping her off to my plans. And of course she kept telling me over and over how much she loves me and how young I am and how she needs me to be around. . . blah blah blah. It feels like I'm caught in an endless maze and no matter which passage I go down, I end up back where I started. I get so close to ctb, and then it all seems to get messed up or taken away from me again. Luckily, I didn't have to spend a whole lot of time with her today because we went to a local restaurant near my house and her husband was there and he won't stay out very long. She basically came and got me, we went to eat, and she brought me straight back home. But she said she would see me again, hopefully in just a few days. I keep praying for a big snowstorm to hit like we had last year that trapped me in my house for an entire month so that I have some time to myself because now that she's healed from her surgery and is no longer sick from the pneumonia, she's just going to be all over me until I agree to go to these fucking doctors at the University. I made such a huge mistake moving here. I had no clue it was going to be like this living close to her. The other thing she doesn't understand that I can't tell her is that I didn't move here to be near her. I moved here to be near my husband's grave so that when I go, they can just pick me up and take me right over there. But I can't say that without tipping her off. There just seems to be no way to get her to leave me alone. I feel trapped and stuck. And of course, I can't do or say anything without looking like an ungrateful bitch, because after all she's "only trying to help me". I've been reading Stan's thread again about SN. It says the most you need is 4 hours. I'm assuming I would die long before 4 hours, but I want to make sure I have the maximum amount of time. My fear is that I would do it and she would come at the very end, just in time to save me. I intend to do it in the early evening so I have the maximum amount of time that I can have. It's probably overkill to think I need 24 hours, but I would feel comfortable if I had at least that much time. But with her I never know what's going to happen. I never know when she's just going to decide to barge into my house uninvited. And with my brain fog and exhaustion, I'm so dizzy and I have so many memory issues right now that I'm afraid I'm going to inadvertently say something to her without realizing that I said it or reveal something about my plans without realizing I'm doing it. That's one of the reasons I don't want to be around her right now. I wish she'd just leave me long enough so I can do it in a way that feels best for me. I can't even fucking kill myself the way I want to without other people trying to interfere!
I've been struggling all month to get my plans in order, and I had hoped that I would have everything done before she recovered from her surgeries and her pneumonia and so forth. It's not that I wish her ill, but I do wish something would happen to take her attention away from me for about a month, or even another couple of weeks would be fine with me. But in order for that to happen someone else that she loved would have to be sick or something, or she would have to end up back in the hospital, or we would have to have a snowstorm so that she couldn't get over here to where I am. And if there's any way that she could call me, I know she would be incessantly calling me if I didn't answer the phone.
I still have a few last minute things to complete and then I should be all ready to ctb. Then I'm going to spend a day or two reading and rereading my plan just to make sure I have it down. Then I will post my goodbye thread and start my 48 hour regime, The the way my SIL keeps interfering, I may end up having to do the stat dose instead. I may read up on that and do that instead. I would feel better doing the 48 hour regime just because it might mean that I would be less likely to throw up, but apparently I don't even have the freedom to choose the way that I want to end my life without fear that she might interfere and screw everything up for me.
Anyway, just wanted to vent. I hope the site is working tomorrow so I can post this.
