Help Maybe you can offer some help with my current situation

[RedPanda]

Hi

So I've done quite a bit of venting on this forum. Anyway i don't want this post to be too long. You can tell me whether my fathers decision is selfish or actually concerning. My dad is a pensioner, yes, i still live with him and assist with paying bills/buying groceries whenever I can but he still pays majority of the bills. He never got paid out a huge amount of money. He has invested some of his money but he is actually constantly losing funds and it's starting to worry him a lot because he has no other way of making money. So automatically this human being (me) that he brought into this world is expected to assist him...right? He is constantly guilt tripping me and comparing me to other parents kids and saying he wishes i did something with my life. The thing is...i have i just never share ANY of this with him, i just don't feel it's necessary for him to know what i'm doing. I could ease his mind by showing him proof that i am actually doing something. I've been extremely secretive with him. I don't know if i should just somehow tell him what I've done in my life and how i earn a living. The only thing is, it seems like he is more worried about his money running out and he will just use me as a way to pay for everything and leech off me forever throughout his pension until he dies. Fuck my happiness right? Just go work a "safe" job with "security" and a paycheck and bring in money and pay for shit before my money runs out, that's what it seems to me.

Why are kids suppose to constantly support their parents? Because they took care of us growing up? Why am i even on this earth, i never asked to be here, even my own mother struggled to have me, it was a sign i should have never existed. It seems like my father would rather see me become a slave working 9-5 earning a steady paycheck and do things i don't enjoy than rather do my own thing, earn some cash and be happy. What i'm currently doing is the only thing right now that is keeping me happy even though i think i will still ctb. Shifting over to something that would earn a steady income and make him happy will 100% push me closer to CTB a lot sooner. I don't think it's worth it. I was even thinking of just acquiring enough funds, depositing everything into his account and then killing myself. That way he would have recovered any lost funds that can only last him for a certain time and then i'm gone for good.

He constantly says "think about your future". Do you know how difficult it is to even process that sentence when you don't see a future? I don't see a future at all so i only live in the moment with no plans ahead. I'm living my life to the fullest right now and even traveling more to enjoy whatever time i have left.


Sorry, i just needed to vent a little. This forum is my safe haven where my thoughts can escape.

Please share your thoughts below, no hard feelings, be brutally honest.

 

[oopswronglife]

Why are kids suppose to constantly support their parents? Because they took care of us growing up?

In a way...yes. But its not that simple because A. Kids didn't ask to be here and agree to that arrangement and B. Not all parents are kind and loving and engender the desire to be there for them. It's one of those things you will have more empathy for when you are older and the one who needs help. Life is harder than we are led to believe. It's expensive and scary. If you live in a place with good social systems a lot of that pressure is lessened, but most places don't have those systems. When you age your body breaks down and every physical issue you have with life now is harder. It costs more to live. You have less money, unless you got lucky. So old people are just like kids in most ways...more fragile, more needs, more dependent. But you also lose the resilience and ignorant bliss of childhood. Their advice is a mix of truly caring about your future...and regret about their own past. But the intent is usually good and there can be wisdom.

None of that means we should tolerate abuse. It's normal in the best of circumstances to be stressed by obligations to care for anyone in life...but when that person is shitty to you it really takes it out of you. My advice would be to tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him you understand his feelings and needs and aren't being selfish and ignoring him, but that how he treats you is draining you. How he reacts will tell you what the future holds. If he is understanding and tries to treat you better thats great. If he is an egoist asshole and lashes out...and sticks to that (sometimes people do that defensively out of fear and later retract and apologize and its worth giving people chances) then its a lost cause and you know its not going to change.

It's a miserable situation for anyone. Family...and people...can be stressful in the good times even. But each other are all we've got. Nobody does it alone...nobody. Even if they think so there is a community, society, infrastructure etc all comprised of other people so this fantasy of rugged individualism and not ever needing anyone is egocentric bull. We need to care for each other...but if someone won't let you do that without killing you in the process sometimes all you can do is get away.

 

[RedPanda]

In a way...yes. But its not that simple because A. Kids didn't ask to be here and agree to that arrangement and B. Not all parents are kind and loving and engender the desire to be there for them. It's one of those things you will have more empathy for when you are older and the one who needs help. Life is harder than we are led to believe. It's expensive and scary. If you live in a place with good social systems a lot of that pressure is lessened, but most places don't have those systems. When you age your body breaks down and every physical issue you have with life now is harder. It costs more to live. You have less money, unless you got lucky. So old people are just like kids in most ways...more fragile, more needs, more dependent. But you also lose the resilience and ignorant bliss of childhood. Their advice is a mix of truly caring about your future...and regret about their own past. But the intent is usually good and there can be wisdom.

None of that means we should tolerate abuse. It's normal in the best of circumstances to be stressed by obligations to care for anyone in life...but when that person is shitty to you it really takes it out of you. My advice would be to tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him you understand his feelings and needs and aren't being selfish and ignoring him, but that how he treats you is draining you. How he reacts will tell you what the future holds. If he is understanding and tries to treat you better thats great. If he is an egoist asshole and lashes out...and sticks to that (sometimes people do that defensively out of fear and later retract and apologize and its worth giving people chances) then its a lost cause and you know its not going to change.

It's a miserable situation for anyone. Family...and people...can be stressful in the good times even. But each other are all we've got. Nobody does it alone...nobody. Even if they think so there is a community, society, infrastructure etc all comprised of other people so this fantasy of rugged individualism and not ever needing anyone is egocentric bull. We need to care for each other...but if someone won't let you do that without killing you in the process sometimes all you can do is get away.

Wow, thank you so much for the message and advice, i'm going to try my best to see how i can handle this because it's starting to kill me inside and as someone already suffering from severe depression this doesn't help at all, it's pushing me even closer to CTB. My dad has no idea that i suffer from constant thoughts of suicide, I hide EVERYTHING from him...everything!

 

[oopswronglife]

My dad has no idea that i suffer from constant thoughts of suicide, I hide EVERYTHING from him...everything!

Communication...of the lackthereof...is the reason for most trouble in the world. We assume we know what others are thinking and feeling. You can't know until you communicate. I'd not tell him you are suicidal...people don't react well to that. But tell him how you FEEL....depressed, anxious etc. Tell him you understand HE has feelings too and you don't want to cause him bad ones. Like I said...how things play out will tell you if there is a future. Most of my family are the sort that always double down in their narcissism and ego and won't apologize or meet in the middle. So I've given up on them. Other times people open up and heal things.

 

[RedPanda]

Communication...of the lackthereof...is the reason for most trouble in the world. We assume we know what others are thinking and feeling. You can't know until you communicate. I'd not tell him you are suicidal...people don't react well to that. But tell him how you FEEL....depressed, anxious etc. Tell him you understand HE has feelings too and you don't want to cause him bad ones. Like I said...how things play out will tell you if there is a future. Most of my family are the sort that always double down in their narcissism and ego and won't apologize or meet in the middle. So I've given up on them. Other times people open up and heal things.

Do you think i should just show him how i earn a living? I think he is so worried about this because he thinks i won't be able to provide for him later on in life. In his mind i'm a failure and i know this because of constant comparisons to other parents kids who are doing great things with their lives. I never show him what i do even though i managed to earn a living creating my own online business so he automatically assumes i'm useless and i don't blame him for thinking like that. Yes, i can easily support him later on BUT i see no future for myself so it's hard to open up about this to him directly. Showing him how i earn a living will definitely ease his mind BUT what happens after that i can't predict entirely, he will probably become VERY dependent on me and expect me to pay for everything. He just seems more worried about his precious pension money running out and being homeless or some shit like that.

 

[oopswronglife]

Do you think i should just show him how i earn a living? I think he is so worried about this because he thinks i won't be able to provide for him later on in life.

Sure. Like I said communication is key. Part of that communication is saying outright the idea that you are expected to support him AND yourself causes you great stress. You need to discuss that issue. He seems to be taking that for granted right now. TELL him you worry he will expect it, and the uncertainty of the future means you have to consider the survival of BOTH of you if things go sour. He will probably be defensive..out of guilt or pride...but keep talking. Give it a chance. If he keeps being a jerk then you can know, even if it sucks to cut him out, that you did everything you could.

 

[RedPanda]

Sure. Like I said communication is key. Part of that communication is saying outright the idea that you are expected to support him AND yourself causes you great stress. You need to discuss that issue. He seems to be taking that for granted right now. TELL him you worry he will expect it, and the uncertainty of the future means you have to consider the survival of BOTH of you if things go sour. He will probably be defensive..out of guilt or pride...but keep talking. Give it a chance. If he keeps being a jerk then you can know, even if it sucks to cut him out, that you did everything you could.

Thank you so much, i think for certain the biggest issue right now is the lack of communication. I will try my best to handle this.

 

[oopswronglife]

Thank you so much, i think for certain the biggest issue right now is the lack of communication. I will try my best to handle this.

Just remember to listen...its a two way street. You said he is doing a lot for you as well and you don't have the experience yet of being on your own....having a life...and then needing support again like when you were young. He has that perspective. His concerns are valid. The key is if you can both find a way to treat each other that feels good to both.

 

[Hunter100]

Do you think i should just show him how i earn a living? I think he is so worried about this because he thinks i won't be able to provide for him later on in life. In his mind i'm a failure and i know this because of constant comparisons to other parents kids who are doing great things with their lives. I never show him what i do even though i managed to earn a living creating my own online business so he automatically assumes i'm useless and i don't blame him for thinking like that. Yes, i can easily support him later on BUT i see no future for myself so it's hard to open up about this to him directly. Showing him how i earn a living will definitely ease his mind BUT what happens after that i can't predict entirely, he will probably become VERY dependent on me and expect me to pay for everything. He just seems more worried about his precious pension money running out and being homeless or some shit like that.

If you don't mind me asking, how do you earn a living online?

 

[RedPanda]

If you don't mind me asking, how do you earn a living online?

I'm a digital artist, i create products and sell them online.

 

[Notf1xable]

This frustrates me to no end, no one asked to be created and brought into this world. I love the antinatalist principles unfortunately I discovered them too late. I have made sure that my kids are provided for after I am no longer here. My parents (mainly I was raised by my dad, but I feel like I was a source of income via child support that he used to go on hunting trips). So yeah, parents can be really crappy to give birth and expect you to be happy for the "gift" *rolls eyes* of life. There needs to be some major changes in the way we view or live life, because the world is falling apart for many people. More often than not, it's worse to exist than to not exist.

 

[GreenDagny]

Why do you still live with your father if you do not get along? You make your own money so..... And you said he pays most of the bills, not sure what you are complaining about. Stop being burdens to each other, just move out.