Story Maybe love just isn't for me right now and that's okay

[solaceshoes_.]

I'm a bisexual, liberal, ex-muslim living in a muslim-majority third world country. My family has always been religious and strict, i remember not being allowed to go to the sleepover, which really broke my hope in experiencing the teenage life that i've always wanted. In high school i was too hopeless to build meaningful friendships with people because i know my strict & toxic family will always ruin my social life for me. All the work, efforts, sacrifices to be friends with others just cease to nothing—because if you don't hangout with the same people continuosly for a period of time then you're not 'in' the group, you're just gonna be an outcast that sometimes tag along. But that's okay, i have already accepted the fact that i will never EVER experience the ideal teenage life of my dreams because of my family a long time ago.

So, now i gotta focus on my career. I'm asian, so my family pays for my studies, and i'm not allowed to get a job. It's ok, right? as long as i'm happy.

but i'm not.

i want to kill myself every other day when things get stressful. i look around and see people my age working, being in a loving relationship, hanging out with friends they trust, and just being... free. i always cry, since that's the only thing i can do. it made me realize that all my life i've been living in a cage, quite literally, since i can't leave my house without permission, or my dad will get angry and beat me up. sure, normal thing in Indonesia. sometimes i really question whether life is worth living like this.

I have the SN, sealed, untouched. I am naturally optimistic, so i still have hopes to gain independence in the future. But... just in case. I'm torn between leaving now or trying once again.

I don't even know the point of this post. I just really don't have nowhere else to go.

 

[TydalWave]

Sorry to hear you going through that. The family stuff is beyond what I've experienced. That must be exhausting and scary.

Question for you though.
Would you be willing to leave your family and make your own life the way you want it, if you had the resources to leave? What is holding you back?

 

[whywere]

Hi!

Your post, after reading it multiple times, in away mirrors my years till I was 18. I have talked about getting kicked out at 18 a lot on here so I will not bore anyone with it now, but I will say this much: 1) You are a kind and caring person, with a very thoughtful personality and it really shows in your post, just how loving of a person you are. 2) With that said, maybe, just maybe one might have the toughest choice of a lifetime and have to decide whether to stay in a certain situation or move out and on.

Please do not get mad at me, as I consider you a good friend and want nothing but the best for you, but at almost 67 years of age, I can say that with my own experiences and life experiences in general, after hitting the pause button one one's life and thinking things really through, then one, sometimes has tough choice(s) to make.

Of course, no one knows the future, BUT one does know not only one's current situation and more than likely what it probably will be like in 6 to 12 months with no change. Down the road of life making decisions is never easy and can be fraught with issues BUT the current situation may be the same and also have one's family "help"
i.e... dictate who to have as a friend, lover, etc. could come up.

My "parents" NEVER EVER wanted me, as they wanted a female and NOT a male child, and I was called "the mistake" to not only my face, but even in public and at 18 got kicked out and never heard from my "parents" again, 100% their choice.

I struck out at 18 and went to college at 24, saved money up, and have done a lot as far as same firm for over 30 years and yes, 2 attempts thrown in there, BUT that had nothing to do with being on my own. Tough, HELL YES it was, but looking back, in hindsight, unlike my older brother and younger sister, I made it myself and damn proud of it and you can to.

I 100% believe in you, as far as you have the moxie, intelligence, drive and the determination to make it happen. After one spread one's wings and makes their mark in this world, who knows? maybe just maybe one's family will/would come around and see just how wonderful of a life down the road that one has made for themselves. the worst-case scenario is that one completes college, gets a great position and partner and has a meaningful life.

I am also bi, 66, turning 67 soon, 2 attempts, 72 hour holds, and I think almost every type of mental health issue, that is me in a nutshell.

I truly want the best for you, since you are young and starting out and I send you lots of hugs, love and the knowledge that i care about you and please feel free to message me any time, as helping you makes my heart sing with joy.

Walter

 

[solaceshoes_.]

Sorry to hear you going through that. The family stuff is beyond what I've experienced. That must be exhausting and scary.

Question for you though.
Would you be willing to leave your family and make your own life the way you want it, if you had the resources to leave? What is holding you back?

What's holding me back? First, money. Second, my dad would literally beat me up and possibly kill me if i ever say that i wanna live alone. I'm a girl, and in islam, a girl shouldn't be living by herself, my religious family would never let me go until i get married or i have enough money to put a restraining order onto them.

 

[frog_prince]

fellow indonesian here..
kadang suka bingung jg dengan tingkah orang tua yg bikin anaknya sendiri jd menderita membuat hidup jd seperti di neraka. saya ga bisa bayangin sedih dan berat nya hidup kmu..
tp sepertinya masih ada sedikit harapan untuk kmu, karna kmu masih sehat dan kmu jg pintar
semoga kmu bisa dapet kerja dan bisa kabur dr rumah dan menjalani hidup sesuai yg km inginkan

 

[kileob]

honestly i can not relate i was raised in the hood in America, little to no parenting and limitations. but i know how it feels to be in a cage doing the same thing day after day thinking, this is endless i don't want to wait years to finally start living i don't have the strength to stick this out i would much rather CTB right now. this was a common theme, but i did make it through partially due to a relationship, but love isn't the answer im trying to preach looking back i was doing everything i was supposed to like a droid a robot on auto pilot. i was emotionally clocked out but i still did what was needed even through my manic episodes and depression and all the hate and anxiety. and i think a big part of me getting though it all was me not really giving a fuck i would do my school work but i would still find a way to go out i would come home get abused and i became numb to the pain of punishments i let them beat me because at the end of the day i was going to do what i wanted regardless, i wanted to be happy more than i was scared of their punishments. <3 use that information how you will but know that you are loved and we will always be here for you :)

I'm a bisexual, liberal, ex-muslim living in a muslim-majority third world country. My family has always been religious and strict, i remember not being allowed to go to the sleepover, which really broke my hope in experiencing the teenage life that i've always wanted. In high school i was too hopeless to build meaningful friendships with people because i know my strict & toxic family will always ruin my social life for me. All the work, efforts, sacrifices to be friends with others just cease to nothing—because if you don't hangout with the same people continuosly for a period of time then you're not 'in' the group, you're just gonna be an outcast that sometimes tag along. But that's okay, i have already accepted the fact that i will never EVER experience the ideal teenage life of my dreams because of my family a long time ago.

So, now i gotta focus on my career. I'm asian, so my family pays for my studies, and i'm not allowed to get a job. It's ok, right? as long as i'm happy.

but i'm not.

i want to kill myself every other day when things get stressful. i look around and see people my age working, being in a loving relationship, hanging out with friends they trust, and just being... free. i always cry, since that's the only thing i can do. it made me realize that all my life i've been living in a cage, quite literally, since i can't leave my house without permission, or my dad will get angry and beat me up. sure, normal thing in Indonesia. sometimes i really question whether life is worth living like this.

I have the SN, sealed, untouched. I am naturally optimistic, so i still have hopes to gain independence in the future. But... just in case. I'm torn between leaving now or trying once again.

I don't even know the point of this post. I just really don't have nowhere else to go.

 

[hungry_ghost]

Sounds incredibly tough and I know all too well how one's parents can be controlling and an obstacle to one's goals and happiness.

Where do you live in Indonesia? Is Jakarta also super conservative?

Perhaps you can take advantage of your parents' funding your schooling for now, and then when your studies are finished you can leave.

 

[Spyware]

You should appreciate not having to work because it actually fucking sucks. I work 9-6 now and have been for 3 weeks. I have almost no time to myself, to even workout or practice guitar. The time I'm not working I'm completely exhausted. But I also need to do work for Uni too! I'm studying at a Uni for a pretty shit specialty. Correspondence education program... it's also free from gov because I did well on the exams, nobody is paying for me

Not to mention that the work pays like complete shit! We're third world and I've checked the stats, in my region median income = 1,18 * barebones consumer basket! That's nothing! We're peons working for food

The only way out of this country is to become a highly qualified IT specialist or maybe an entrepreneur. I'm just a regular person though, not nearly bright or motivated enough to achieve that

I don't want to be that "there's children starving in Africa" guy. Just wanted to share my situation as a fellow third worlder for a change of perspective!

 

[itsallpointless]

Maybe your IDEAL form of love isn't available or realistic for you right now? There are still plenty of other love forms out there, but either way, I wouldn't definitely say that love isn't for you(of course I wouldn't know your situation 100%). If you are adamant about chasing the ideal form of love, why not take adjustments to set yourself on course to finding that? You could work on self improvement to make yourself more mentally/physically environment, or you could move to a more queer friendly neighbourhood to increase your chances. Me, personally I would prioritize the first option because if you fix yourself you also tend to have an "aura" that keeps creeps at bay.