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i am so lainpilled :3 (? days left)
- Apr 15, 2023
- 242
I've accepted that I will be dying soon and I've kinda made peace with it although I find that it's more difficult to feel comfortable with passing away if I frame it as a permanent escape from existence as a whole. I've tried to adopt a more cynical and objective viewpoint to all this but find it hard to do so. Although I recognise the inherent awfulness in the unpredictability and randomness of existence, I can't help but yearn for a new existence in which I truly understand love and what's it like to feel loved. To have a relatively happy and healthy childhood and adolescence where I'm not only nurtured and supported, but equipped with the skills and confidence to face the real world. To be able to connect with others and feel like a central part of a friend group and not like an outsider. To feel truly real and not like a background character. To just be a normal, functioning young person. Even if my adulthood went to shit, at least I had a childhood yk? In this life I didn't even get that so why should I look forward to growing up? If the past (and present) is any indication of the future, I would much rather give up now and save myself the trouble of many more years of pain and isolation. Of course, I wouldn't remember anything in the next life but at least my soul would perhaps get the chance to heal.
I think I would like Lonely Day by System Of A Down to be played at my funeral but I fear my family would just play religious drivel. I wish I could somehow uninvite my family since I don't like them very much, except my sister maybe. I'll try to make it clear in my note that I hate all of them. I'll try to keep the rest if the note relatively positive though.
I think I would like Lonely Day by System Of A Down to be played at my funeral but I fear my family would just play religious drivel. I wish I could somehow uninvite my family since I don't like them very much, except my sister maybe. I'll try to make it clear in my note that I hate all of them. I'll try to keep the rest if the note relatively positive though.
