Venting Maybe I'm the selfish one

[AnonymouslyBlue]

(ps: long thread. Sorry)

Things have been bad for so long that I guess I forgot what it's like to have good. A collection of childhood memories and never ending bullshit have pretty much deterred the course of my life. But the past 2 years have been, and I know a lot of people say this, but the worst nightmare that I just can't seem to wake up from, no matter what I try.

I've always been one to handle things alone, that when I'm struggling or going through something that I have no control over, I've always managed to pick myself up and work through it. Either by really coming to the terms of the problem or ignoring it long enough that the problem seems so small and silly when I actually do think about it. Some call that wrong, some will say that that only ends up making things worse because I am not dealing with the issue, but it's always worked for me.

Now, I'm not sure anymore. I've tried so hard the past 2 years to pick myself up. To stand straight and say, "I did it, I'm stronger than I thought" but it seems as though with every stand I take, there's always something that knocks me back down and I'm on my last crutch right now. One more knock and who knows, I might just be down. Forever.

Two nights ago I had a fight with my SO where I admitted my depression, that I told him that all I want is for him to see me, see that somethings not alright. And he apologized, promised me that he will try but all I really got at the end of the fight was, and in his words, "how hard it has been for 'him' to deal with what has happened to me the past two years". And suddenly, it wasn't about me anymore. It was about him, about how he is struggling to be okay after everything that has happened to me and how to deal with it. And I don't hate him for it, but I hate that it made me feel so selfish for wanting him to see me when all this time, he's been struggling to have me see him.

Last night I went to a party with my friends, friends I haven't seen in 2 months and to be frank, it was fucking amazing. For the entirety of the afternoon and we'll into 2AM the next morning, I forgot the pain. Forgot that I exist anonymously on a site for like minded people who are pro - choice. It felt good, I felt belonged. I felt 'seen', but then as suddenly as it was good, it was bad because one friend decided to tell me about his depression and his suicidal thoughts and I got the comment of, "I guess it's just nice for you to have the life you do, you never have to go through the chaos of a fucked up life".

It stung and I had to bite my tongue from shouting out that yeah, I am depressed. You're not the only one! But again, I felt selfish for feeling that anger towards him, selfish for wanting to be recognized as drowning just as he says he is as well.

So instead I listened, I told him that he's not stupid for feeling the way he is, that it's not selfish to want to end your own life and that I'm ways here for him, always.

Come morning after I've woken up, and again, I'm back to fighting with my SO because he thinks something happened at the party, because he knows I'm keeping secrets and I'm back to screaming at him that yeah, I'm keeping secrets. I'm back to telling him how I really feel, I'm back to crying because there I am, still healing from the cuts I've created only a week ago and still, he thinks the problem is because I did something with someone whilst drunk.

So I told him how I've been living anonymously and talking to people who give me list of resources on how to end it. Talking to people who support my want to cut the line and leave this horrible fucking planet.

And he calls me selfish. He tells me about how selfish I am for not talking to him, for not opening up to him but to strangers. That he's been there for 7 years and these people don't even know my real name. So I told him the truth, that I don't go to him anymore because he makes it about him.

He then proceeded to shout at me for saying such a hurtful thing and then he used the same line that my mom used on me when I told her what her husband had done to me during the darkest time for our entire family, "you're selfish for making this about you".

And now here I sit. Thinking. Contemplating. Am I selfish? Am I really truly selfish because all I want is to be seen, to have someone hear my story and not make it about themselves and how hard it's for them to hear about what has happened to me? Am I selfish for wanting to end it, for good because thinking about tomorrow is like looking into a black hole that absorbs no light?

I'm tired.

I feel raw and cut open. Like someone had plunged a hand into my chest and is squeezing all the air out of my throbbing lungs. I get told that what I feel is selfish from my mom, from my SO, from my friends when I try to reach out. I get told that someone who looks like me, smiles like me and lives like me can't possibly be depressed so what the fuck do I know about anything?

I've always had the belief that those who want to end it aren't selfish, that if anything, that person is thinking about the other person(s) when they end it because of how much better their lives will be without them in it. And that's possibly the least selfish thing a person can do.

But now, I just feel like I'm living for everyone else. Not myself. Never for myself.

Does that make me selfish? I didn't used to think so, but now I'm not so sure.

 

[Return2Dust]

Hello! Reading your story, I feel like you might feel stuck in your relationship. You had a great time without him when you went out with friends. I can't give you relationship advice. I can say so many factors play into our mental well being.

 

[Rachel74]

You are not selfish. You had the wonderful time and you can again if you surround yourself with people that make YOU happy. SO needs to go, the arguing isn't helping you at all.
Are you in a position to move away?

 

[AnonymouslyBlue]

You are not selfish. You had the wonderful time and you can again if you surround yourself with people that make YOU happy. SO needs to go, the arguing isn't helping you at all.
Are you in a position to move away?

No, I live overseas alone and away from my parents and I don't have any money to go somewhere else or try to go somewhere else, so living with my SO is the only choice I have right now.

 

[BlueWidow]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I don't think you're selfish at all. Everyone needs to be noticed and listened to and have their problems and feelings acknowledged and believed. It sounds to me like everyone around you is dismissing you and not listening to how you feel. They all seem to be trying to turn the conversation back to themselves when you try to express what you're going through. I think sometimes people do that because whatever you're saying to them makes them uncomfortable. Perhaps it's making them feel guilty because they either can't or won't try to help you or they don't know how to help you, and so rather than admit that to themselves or to you, they're trying to turn it back on you and tell you that you should feel guilty and that you are selfish. Please don't let them do that. You are not being selfish. You are just asking for someone to hear you and acknowledge you. I wish I had an answer for you. All I can tell you is that there are people here on this site who will hear you and acknowledge you. As long as you are here, you are not alone.
I haven't even been on this site for an entire month yet, but I can tell you that it's been tremendously helpful for me already.
Just having a place to go where I can express myself and not have to worry about being judged is worth more than I can explain.

 

[pole]

You aren't selfish for wanting you're voice heard. we want to be noticed, for someone to tell us it's gonna be fine, to be there to hear and understand my pain because they want to, not because they have to. The thing is, its EXTREMELY difficult to recognize, understand and feel someone else pain and suffering; if you're blinded by you're own pain and suffering. It takes a ton of strength, to look past you're own pain and suffering, to recognize and understand someone elses, be there for someone else, when you can't even be there for yourself. but its hard, and i cant blame others including you're SO for not seeing you're problems, because of how much hes hurting. when that person at the party was telling you how he felt, he felt these emotions; like i am too, what about me? but instead of focusing on yourself, you chose to be there for someone else, to care for someone else during their darkest times. that is FAR from selfish, even WHEN you didnt have to; you could've easily failed to recognize his hurt and pain, overlook it, which i cant blame those suffering in their own ways in doing such things; and then just refocused it on yourself, by telling him how you feel, like your SO did. but you didnt, and you have to remember such things you do, which remind you that you're far from it, even if these thoughts tell you otherwise.

i get being there for others, trust me; but there has to be an understanding for someone like your SO to be there for you. i get it, some people just cant shoulder the weight of the problems of others, while shouldering their own; let alone, recognize how severe someone elses problems are, which then forces them to refocus it onto themselves. but you have to put yourself first right now, before anyone in bettering yourself. you can still be there for you're SO, just like you were for that guy at the party as a support system, someone they can talk to. but you really do have to put yourself first right now, for your own sake.

Again, he isnt understanding it from you're perspective, cause hes going through his own problems. thats fine. but you're letting his faulty perception of you get to you, and form these thoughts in your head questioning if ur selfish or not. Ur far from selfish. Its WAY EASIER talking to random people on the internet going through pain and suffering than it is in talking to someone around you; period. you don't have to fear judgement, rejection, etc. Theres a ton of reasons that go into it. Its less anxious, you feel more accepted. Its like talking to a therapist about you're problems before letting you're friends or SO in on it. you just want a fresh set of eyes, a new perspective, a new face hearing and wanting to understand ur problems. Also, hes going through his own problems, hes failing to understand ur side of things, which i obviously dont again blame him for, cause hes battling his own demons; but you shouldnt be blamed for choosing to vent to whoever about your problems, because theres so much that goes into it.

You deserve to be understood, have you're voice heard; not met with backlash, and harsh comments, a lack of understanding by you're SO, whom is the LAST person to being do this to you; especially if you guys have been together for 7 years, and ESPECIALLY if he knows the past few years have been rough on you, period. I know you said you pretty much have no where to go, but id try and take a break. this is negativity you really dont need on ur hands, period. perhaps couch surfing, crashing at a friends for a while? something like that, which gives you time to think, gather yourself and reconcile with not just yourself, but you're partner from a distance.

hope things turn around for you, all the best.