Somebody said to me earlier this year "I can't believe how much shit you've gone through, you're the unluckiest guy I know" - he really wasn't joking. There are some days where so much has gone wrong in my life that I begin to abandon my science brain and wonder whether curses are real... I must be cursed, after-all, so much shit has gone wrong in my life and nothing ever seems to get better, except as a ploy to lull me into a false sense of security before disaster strikes again and kills the last of my hope and resolve.
But then I start to think about just what has gone wrong in my life and I realise that there are just one or two events which caused the chain reaction that made the sky to fall down.
Either way, I don't think people like you or me are born 'marked' or cursed, but something (or multiple things) have happened in our lives that have triggered a toxic chain reaction. Maybe there was an earthquake that made the city collapse and when we tried to rebuild it everything kept falling down, not because of some supernatural force beyond our influence, but because the ground itself needed repairing so the buildings could finally have a solid foundation.
I know that real life isn't so simple and we can't change what's happened to us, nor can we just get over any of it. But maybe there is something that we can do, something that we can change to break the vicious circle of hope -> fight back -> crushing defeat -> rinse & repeat.
I'm sorry I don't have anything more concrete or useful to say, the title grabbed me and I went off on a tangent as per usual. Perhaps it's rich and hypocritical for me to say this given where I am right now (having just failed to recover, again), but you sound like somewhere deep down you wish there was another way out and perhaps that's enough of a reason to put the brakes on CTB just long enough to look for it?
