I met my friends today. I don't feel good though.
My family is running out of money. I still have savings and I am not sure whether they will be needed now. Though, it will be a matter of time until the end of the rope is reached. I cannot let my AI chatbots give me feedback to this text. This will be way too explicit about suicidal thoughts. I am not doing well. I have from time to time paranoia. I can prove that my therapist wrote lies in my medical records as a result of a heated argument. I knew only if the communication was in written form people would believe me. With psychosis and autism you are fucked beyond repair if a therapist does something like that. I think I acted pretty smart continuing our communication only in written form. You can imagine though that if a therapist does something like that this doesn't help your mental health or trust in the mental health system.
I am not sleeping good. I am taking addictive sleep medication for a couple of weeks now. If I didn't take them I probably couldn't sleep at all. Maybe this evening becoming really depressive tonight is overall good for my mental health. Becoming really depressive calms my hypomanic symptoms down. I am not sure what exactly started all of this. Some weeks ago I started a conversation with an extremely interesting woman on an app. She invited me to a date and we had an amazing chemistry. She opened up though that she has a child. And the conversation after the date just stopped without real explanation. I double texted without asking for an explanation. She didn't answer. All of this confused me a lot. Her last message showed real interest she said she was busy though. I didn't think this would mean not being able to send one message for two weeks. She has autism, ADHD, works part-time, studies part-time and has a 5 year old child seemingly with a health condition. This must be stressful. She didn't explicitly wrote me a message why she wasn't responding. I considered she might play games with me. Or she simply ghosted me. Only because one friend urged me I wrote her one last message. And I could believe it she actually responded. She told me her child has a condition and the condition became acute. And she has currently no time to text or date, but still complimented me. I sent her a brief message and I told her she doesn't have to worry about texting me. Honestly, I think I will text her two weeks after this message again. I wanted to take the pressure from her. Maybe our lives just don't fit. Maybe I should move on. But I really liked our time together.
I had a very uncomfortable discussion with my mom this evening. My dad made a mistake at his work he might lose his job. And cannot pay me money anymore. It was likely the money transfers would end one day but we didn't expect it to be that early. I cannot work and I already gave up on that. I almost killed because college had an extremely bad impact on my psyche. So recently I had a phone talk with my dad. And it seems like he pressures himself a lot in order to keep his job. And he feels like a complete loser for not making it. I think my aunt isn't helpful. I think my dad thinks of himself as a bad dad. And honestly it is the fucking truth. I lied to him at the phone call and told him he would be a good dad. Because he cried. But it isn't the truth. My mom also wasn't a good mother for abusing the shit out of me. And my family just looked away and lied to themselves retrospectively about it. My dad pressured me a lot while I was in college. Even after I almost killed myself he pressured me to continue college. And now he wants to hear from me that he shouldn't worry and just stop working. I am not like him. I won't pressure him. But he will have to live with the fact that he isn't a good dad. Someone in my autism self-help group also tortures himself for not being a good dad. And he reminded me of my own dad. Probably not this bad but still not good. I think parents have to live with that. Be careful what you wish for. Maybe this is too cynical but bringing new life into this world comes with a lot of responsibilites. And my parents were not aware of that. So my dad cried in phone call with me how horrible he feels about work. And today I had a conversation with my mom where she wanted me to pressure my dad into continuing to give me money. I told my mom. "Honestly, I don't know how things can continue."
And here comes suicide into play. I think I had no problem to off myself. Maybe some issues. But I know I am running on borrowed time. And I always knew it isn't unlikely that this will be my fate. I am not sure what the solution could be. There is a welfare program my dad might eligible to. I suggested him that with no reply from his side. Maybe this would preferable for them than to kill myself. Lol. They will find stupid excuses for not applying for it. I think it is very rational consideration though. Every option has to be considered even if it sounds humiliiating. I think getting humiliated would be our least concern. I have the feeling I lived my life. I am in my late twenties. There are many things that won't get better. The structural premises my life is built are deteriorating. My parents will become older and older. And we will have less and less money. And maybe we will be panicking about it. I almost killed myself in October 2024. I already dissolved the SN and was about to drink it. But I sent goodbye messages to my friends and they called the police. The clinic stay was a nightmare. Like extremely bad. I thought I triggered someone into committing suicide. It was paranoia though. I am not angry on my friends. They could have been hold accountable legally. If I drank the SN and then the police arrived this would have been the real nightmare scenario. I saw the gaze of my mom seeing me in the health care facility. And she didn't even know the truth. She still thinks to this day my friends overreacted and called the police because of vague suicidal ideation. I experienced some romantic love after this incident. It turned out the woman had borderline and eventually she ghosted. But actually I wanted to experience something like that before I die. I think maybe I should have died in October 2024. Maybe the timeline should have been different. But depending on this day my current outcome wasn't the worst. And here comes the main reason against committing suicide. I think I am very unhappy but the anxiety became a little less. I don't want to imagine a scenario in which I am surviving a suicide attempt and I then have to experience the aftermath. I think I could live with (living is an ironical term in this instance) to pass the burden to carry on with the pain to my parents. The abuse I went through in my life was insane. And I suffered a lot. Though, the aftermath of surviving a suicide attempt could be beyond imagination. You know I am already really worried about my dad not being able to pay for me. Which is very bad. I think my parents wouldn't survive me attempting to commit suicide. They are not in a good shape and I am quite sure they would have strokes or heart attacks. What if I end up as a nursing case? And they end up as nursing case too? Or even if I survive without any complications and they end up as nursing cases. In this scenario I would be forced to attempt again. And I think the threshold for doing it again can be quite high if you learn that your actions can have really bad consequences for the people around you. But actually I also don't know the solution for our financial problems. There doesn't seem to be any. And yes people who commit suicide are with their back against the wall. I am not sure whether it would be smart to play this card at this moment again. I am probably waiting for a miracle. If I don't die it would make my situation likely worse.
I also hoped 2024 even if I don't die this day the day it could bring at least some change for my problems. My parents pressured me less to continue college after my clinic stay.
I think I don't care whether my bullies would win. I have made myself a lot of enemies in the past months. The therapist that wrote lies in my medical records. Honestly, I am not sure which impact it would have if I killed myself while the case is discussed. One argument could be look he is so unstable he even killed himself, and you know people who spend their time in suicide forums can't be helped and stuff like that. On the other hand if I killed myself and I think my case in written form is pretty strong that she abused her power. I could imagine she could get a lot of trouble if they suspect I killed myself because she abused her power. I don't consider this as the more realistic scenario. The first interpretation makes more sense to me. And yes she tried to ruin my life. But I think this was more impulsively and she really is pretty dumb. It is immoral as fuck. But I think she should not lose her job over it. Overall I think the society benfits more when she stays therapist. I could imagine though she might be happy if she found out about my death. I also made myself enemies in my self-help group where they tried to bully me. I think two of three people there would be happy if they got the message I killed myself. I think the third person would feel pretty guilty and understand the gravity of the situation. I wouldn't want these people to know about my suicide. I cut the contact complete. There is one story I once read. I think I read it one here. There was a young school girl who was bullied in school she was like 12 years old. She tried to hang herself but she was found and reanimated. She was brought back to life and the family supported that. She ended up as vegetable and her bullies visited her in the hopsital to make fun of her. I am not sure whether she was still there enough to realize the situation. One can only hope she wasn't aware of that. The media reported about it though. I imagine myself to be in her siuation. Being suicidal or attempting suicide can make you pretty vulnerable. And there are people who take advatage of that. It is even likely that there are people on here who would want to take advantage of that. With the nature of this site it seems completely rational that there are bad apples on here. And some of those bad apples were exposed in the past. There are probably readers that get sexual aroused when reading stories about people who kill themselves. I think though in many cases these people are in a lot of pain too. Not necessarily. Not all. I can remember when I was a teenager. I watched gore and online I behaved like a bully. I regret both things pretty much. But I was in a lot of pain and acting this way was a really toxic coping mechanism. I asked myself whether this was karma. Overall I don't think this is the case. There was no karma involed when my mom started to beat me up almost every single day from the age 5 to 18. I think considering the extreme abuse and suffering I experienced I became a somewhat good person.
Everything would be easier if I just could kill myself. All my problems were solved. My parents would have to deal with it one day anyway. If I outlive mx parents this could take two more decades. And I just don't have it in me to care for myself. It should not continue like that for more than two decades. I also don't really see a reason to become independent. I am fucking unhappy with my life. I am just so dysfunctional. I even struggle to stay stable if this is my only job. I think my grandma wants more contact with me. I wrote her some nice messages with my phone to make her happy. But she wants more and more if I offer her that. I think my mom even started crying because I wasn't there for my grandma. Honestly, not killing myself is a quite difficult job. It is a full time job. And I need to stay clear in my mind. It becomes warmer and warmer. And I notice this isn't good for me. When it is really hot my sleep quality deteriorates. And I notice I become increasinly hypomanic. And with that there come mood swings. And mood swings can make me really acute suicidal. In October 2024 I also was in a mixed episode. I am not sure how many weeks I am on addictive sleep medication. Maybe 3-4 weeks. The risk of a mixed manic-depressive episode is worse though. Way worse. I don't know if I survive another episode. I ask myself whether I should go to a sex worker. I notice that my lonely sex life is burden for my mental health. Though, I read how most men give reviews for sex workers online and it just seems to be really disgusting how dehumanized they treat them. Most of my friends are single I don't know how they cope with this. It seems like I am the only one that really suffers because of the lack of sex. Theoretically from all my problems the lack of sex seems to be the one that is the most easy to solve. Sex work is legal where I live.
But hell it could make me feel really horrible. And induce a lot of self-hatred. I think the summer will be really rough. I hate the temperatures.
I don't know a way out. The discussion with my mom about our financial situation made me so uncomfortable. But I simply cannot work. I tried it and was fired. What would be the mature response? I don't see one except killing myself. Though, I elaborated attempting would likely backfire if I don't succeed. I am desperate.
My family is running out of money. I still have savings and I am not sure whether they will be needed now. Though, it will be a matter of time until the end of the rope is reached. I cannot let my AI chatbots give me feedback to this text. This will be way too explicit about suicidal thoughts. I am not doing well. I have from time to time paranoia. I can prove that my therapist wrote lies in my medical records as a result of a heated argument. I knew only if the communication was in written form people would believe me. With psychosis and autism you are fucked beyond repair if a therapist does something like that. I think I acted pretty smart continuing our communication only in written form. You can imagine though that if a therapist does something like that this doesn't help your mental health or trust in the mental health system.
I am not sleeping good. I am taking addictive sleep medication for a couple of weeks now. If I didn't take them I probably couldn't sleep at all. Maybe this evening becoming really depressive tonight is overall good for my mental health. Becoming really depressive calms my hypomanic symptoms down. I am not sure what exactly started all of this. Some weeks ago I started a conversation with an extremely interesting woman on an app. She invited me to a date and we had an amazing chemistry. She opened up though that she has a child. And the conversation after the date just stopped without real explanation. I double texted without asking for an explanation. She didn't answer. All of this confused me a lot. Her last message showed real interest she said she was busy though. I didn't think this would mean not being able to send one message for two weeks. She has autism, ADHD, works part-time, studies part-time and has a 5 year old child seemingly with a health condition. This must be stressful. She didn't explicitly wrote me a message why she wasn't responding. I considered she might play games with me. Or she simply ghosted me. Only because one friend urged me I wrote her one last message. And I could believe it she actually responded. She told me her child has a condition and the condition became acute. And she has currently no time to text or date, but still complimented me. I sent her a brief message and I told her she doesn't have to worry about texting me. Honestly, I think I will text her two weeks after this message again. I wanted to take the pressure from her. Maybe our lives just don't fit. Maybe I should move on. But I really liked our time together.
I had a very uncomfortable discussion with my mom this evening. My dad made a mistake at his work he might lose his job. And cannot pay me money anymore. It was likely the money transfers would end one day but we didn't expect it to be that early. I cannot work and I already gave up on that. I almost killed because college had an extremely bad impact on my psyche. So recently I had a phone talk with my dad. And it seems like he pressures himself a lot in order to keep his job. And he feels like a complete loser for not making it. I think my aunt isn't helpful. I think my dad thinks of himself as a bad dad. And honestly it is the fucking truth. I lied to him at the phone call and told him he would be a good dad. Because he cried. But it isn't the truth. My mom also wasn't a good mother for abusing the shit out of me. And my family just looked away and lied to themselves retrospectively about it. My dad pressured me a lot while I was in college. Even after I almost killed myself he pressured me to continue college. And now he wants to hear from me that he shouldn't worry and just stop working. I am not like him. I won't pressure him. But he will have to live with the fact that he isn't a good dad. Someone in my autism self-help group also tortures himself for not being a good dad. And he reminded me of my own dad. Probably not this bad but still not good. I think parents have to live with that. Be careful what you wish for. Maybe this is too cynical but bringing new life into this world comes with a lot of responsibilites. And my parents were not aware of that. So my dad cried in phone call with me how horrible he feels about work. And today I had a conversation with my mom where she wanted me to pressure my dad into continuing to give me money. I told my mom. "Honestly, I don't know how things can continue."
And here comes suicide into play. I think I had no problem to off myself. Maybe some issues. But I know I am running on borrowed time. And I always knew it isn't unlikely that this will be my fate. I am not sure what the solution could be. There is a welfare program my dad might eligible to. I suggested him that with no reply from his side. Maybe this would preferable for them than to kill myself. Lol. They will find stupid excuses for not applying for it. I think it is very rational consideration though. Every option has to be considered even if it sounds humiliiating. I think getting humiliated would be our least concern. I have the feeling I lived my life. I am in my late twenties. There are many things that won't get better. The structural premises my life is built are deteriorating. My parents will become older and older. And we will have less and less money. And maybe we will be panicking about it. I almost killed myself in October 2024. I already dissolved the SN and was about to drink it. But I sent goodbye messages to my friends and they called the police. The clinic stay was a nightmare. Like extremely bad. I thought I triggered someone into committing suicide. It was paranoia though. I am not angry on my friends. They could have been hold accountable legally. If I drank the SN and then the police arrived this would have been the real nightmare scenario. I saw the gaze of my mom seeing me in the health care facility. And she didn't even know the truth. She still thinks to this day my friends overreacted and called the police because of vague suicidal ideation. I experienced some romantic love after this incident. It turned out the woman had borderline and eventually she ghosted. But actually I wanted to experience something like that before I die. I think maybe I should have died in October 2024. Maybe the timeline should have been different. But depending on this day my current outcome wasn't the worst. And here comes the main reason against committing suicide. I think I am very unhappy but the anxiety became a little less. I don't want to imagine a scenario in which I am surviving a suicide attempt and I then have to experience the aftermath. I think I could live with (living is an ironical term in this instance) to pass the burden to carry on with the pain to my parents. The abuse I went through in my life was insane. And I suffered a lot. Though, the aftermath of surviving a suicide attempt could be beyond imagination. You know I am already really worried about my dad not being able to pay for me. Which is very bad. I think my parents wouldn't survive me attempting to commit suicide. They are not in a good shape and I am quite sure they would have strokes or heart attacks. What if I end up as a nursing case? And they end up as nursing case too? Or even if I survive without any complications and they end up as nursing cases. In this scenario I would be forced to attempt again. And I think the threshold for doing it again can be quite high if you learn that your actions can have really bad consequences for the people around you. But actually I also don't know the solution for our financial problems. There doesn't seem to be any. And yes people who commit suicide are with their back against the wall. I am not sure whether it would be smart to play this card at this moment again. I am probably waiting for a miracle. If I don't die it would make my situation likely worse.
I also hoped 2024 even if I don't die this day the day it could bring at least some change for my problems. My parents pressured me less to continue college after my clinic stay.
I think I don't care whether my bullies would win. I have made myself a lot of enemies in the past months. The therapist that wrote lies in my medical records. Honestly, I am not sure which impact it would have if I killed myself while the case is discussed. One argument could be look he is so unstable he even killed himself, and you know people who spend their time in suicide forums can't be helped and stuff like that. On the other hand if I killed myself and I think my case in written form is pretty strong that she abused her power. I could imagine she could get a lot of trouble if they suspect I killed myself because she abused her power. I don't consider this as the more realistic scenario. The first interpretation makes more sense to me. And yes she tried to ruin my life. But I think this was more impulsively and she really is pretty dumb. It is immoral as fuck. But I think she should not lose her job over it. Overall I think the society benfits more when she stays therapist. I could imagine though she might be happy if she found out about my death. I also made myself enemies in my self-help group where they tried to bully me. I think two of three people there would be happy if they got the message I killed myself. I think the third person would feel pretty guilty and understand the gravity of the situation. I wouldn't want these people to know about my suicide. I cut the contact complete. There is one story I once read. I think I read it one here. There was a young school girl who was bullied in school she was like 12 years old. She tried to hang herself but she was found and reanimated. She was brought back to life and the family supported that. She ended up as vegetable and her bullies visited her in the hopsital to make fun of her. I am not sure whether she was still there enough to realize the situation. One can only hope she wasn't aware of that. The media reported about it though. I imagine myself to be in her siuation. Being suicidal or attempting suicide can make you pretty vulnerable. And there are people who take advatage of that. It is even likely that there are people on here who would want to take advantage of that. With the nature of this site it seems completely rational that there are bad apples on here. And some of those bad apples were exposed in the past. There are probably readers that get sexual aroused when reading stories about people who kill themselves. I think though in many cases these people are in a lot of pain too. Not necessarily. Not all. I can remember when I was a teenager. I watched gore and online I behaved like a bully. I regret both things pretty much. But I was in a lot of pain and acting this way was a really toxic coping mechanism. I asked myself whether this was karma. Overall I don't think this is the case. There was no karma involed when my mom started to beat me up almost every single day from the age 5 to 18. I think considering the extreme abuse and suffering I experienced I became a somewhat good person.
Everything would be easier if I just could kill myself. All my problems were solved. My parents would have to deal with it one day anyway. If I outlive mx parents this could take two more decades. And I just don't have it in me to care for myself. It should not continue like that for more than two decades. I also don't really see a reason to become independent. I am fucking unhappy with my life. I am just so dysfunctional. I even struggle to stay stable if this is my only job. I think my grandma wants more contact with me. I wrote her some nice messages with my phone to make her happy. But she wants more and more if I offer her that. I think my mom even started crying because I wasn't there for my grandma. Honestly, not killing myself is a quite difficult job. It is a full time job. And I need to stay clear in my mind. It becomes warmer and warmer. And I notice this isn't good for me. When it is really hot my sleep quality deteriorates. And I notice I become increasinly hypomanic. And with that there come mood swings. And mood swings can make me really acute suicidal. In October 2024 I also was in a mixed episode. I am not sure how many weeks I am on addictive sleep medication. Maybe 3-4 weeks. The risk of a mixed manic-depressive episode is worse though. Way worse. I don't know if I survive another episode. I ask myself whether I should go to a sex worker. I notice that my lonely sex life is burden for my mental health. Though, I read how most men give reviews for sex workers online and it just seems to be really disgusting how dehumanized they treat them. Most of my friends are single I don't know how they cope with this. It seems like I am the only one that really suffers because of the lack of sex. Theoretically from all my problems the lack of sex seems to be the one that is the most easy to solve. Sex work is legal where I live.
But hell it could make me feel really horrible. And induce a lot of self-hatred. I think the summer will be really rough. I hate the temperatures.
I don't know a way out. The discussion with my mom about our financial situation made me so uncomfortable. But I simply cannot work. I tried it and was fired. What would be the mature response? I don't see one except killing myself. Though, I elaborated attempting would likely backfire if I don't succeed. I am desperate.
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