mono
I hope my last breath is a sigh of relief.
- Jul 11, 2023
- 49
Every time I've gotten close to ctb'ing I just can't do it. As much as I want to I just can't bring myself to do it. Maybe it's simply SI, maybe it's the thought of leaving behind friends. I'm not entirely sure.
Usually when I'm feeling overwhelmed and exhausted I think of how and when I'll ctb and it makes me feel a bit better to know I have a way out.
The idea of being able to exit this world at any time will sometimes help me get through another week. But I always feel so disappointed and defeated whenever I try to ctb but back out last minute.
It's frustrating wanting to die but never being able to.
I like fantasizing about slitting my wrists or hanging myself and imagining how people would react to my death, what they might say or feel. It makes me feel like maybe I am loved or appreciated.
I don't really know.
I like feeling in control for once, like my life is actually mine. It gives me a sense of authority over myself when I feel my life is spiraling out of control.
It's calming for me to think about dying but not actually dying you know? I want to be gone forever but I want to feel that absence. It's a strange feeling I can't explain too well.
Forcing myself to get worse mentally is another strange thing I do to feel comfort.
I believe it's because I'm so used to the suffering that non-suffering is abscure to me, unfamiliar, strange, and so on. It makes me feel almost uncomfortable to be happy and content with life. And as much as I hate being like this I just can't allow myself to get better.
Being in pain (Mentally and physically) is like a drug in a way, harmful and addictive. And sometimes you don't want to stop because the withdrawal is even more painful. A shit example but that's the only thing I could think of to describe this feeling.
I NEED to be suffering to feel like my depression is valid. I NEED to suffer to allow myself to die.
Sorry if anything was confusing. This wasn't scripted so I'm saying what pops up in my head
(and I don't proofread so sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes)
Anyways I want to know if other people feel this way or not. And maybe you could share how you feel about things like this, I'd love to hear what anyone has to say
Usually when I'm feeling overwhelmed and exhausted I think of how and when I'll ctb and it makes me feel a bit better to know I have a way out.
The idea of being able to exit this world at any time will sometimes help me get through another week. But I always feel so disappointed and defeated whenever I try to ctb but back out last minute.
It's frustrating wanting to die but never being able to.
I like fantasizing about slitting my wrists or hanging myself and imagining how people would react to my death, what they might say or feel. It makes me feel like maybe I am loved or appreciated.
I don't really know.
I like feeling in control for once, like my life is actually mine. It gives me a sense of authority over myself when I feel my life is spiraling out of control.
It's calming for me to think about dying but not actually dying you know? I want to be gone forever but I want to feel that absence. It's a strange feeling I can't explain too well.
Forcing myself to get worse mentally is another strange thing I do to feel comfort.
I believe it's because I'm so used to the suffering that non-suffering is abscure to me, unfamiliar, strange, and so on. It makes me feel almost uncomfortable to be happy and content with life. And as much as I hate being like this I just can't allow myself to get better.
Being in pain (Mentally and physically) is like a drug in a way, harmful and addictive. And sometimes you don't want to stop because the withdrawal is even more painful. A shit example but that's the only thing I could think of to describe this feeling.
I NEED to be suffering to feel like my depression is valid. I NEED to suffer to allow myself to die.
Sorry if anything was confusing. This wasn't scripted so I'm saying what pops up in my head
(and I don't proofread so sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes) Anyways I want to know if other people feel this way or not. And maybe you could share how you feel about things like this, I'd love to hear what anyone has to say
