I am often quite psychotic. I have issues to eat properly, to study, my stomach goes crazy etc. I reached out for help. I called my psychiatrist and described the situation. She told me to increase the dosage of my benzo or that I should take it more often. Just in order to stay stable. I feel very bad about certain things. I feel ashamed but I talk about it this openly for the first time in this forum. I mean how long will I live or how long will this forum remain on the internet?
When I relapse I gonna kill myself. So there is a lot at stake. I am very fragile despite the fact I take emergency medication every single day. I have soon exams and that is triggering me as fuck. Performance pressure is extremely toxic for me. It is like torture and it is pretty hard to cope with. I might be on the edge of a relapse. I am unhappy as fuck and my brain is due to that in the self-destruction mode. That means it becomes manic or psychotic.
I have a very strong desire for a partner. And I feel ashamed for the following. I have a crush at college she is trans. The first day I saw her I liked her outer appearance and I thought she is quite cute. Though love interestes always make me psychotic. The first time I was alone with her I tried to flirt with her. This was the first time I ever did that at college. I thought well if I gonna kill myself at least I tried it. The whole thing ended in a disaster. I am not sure what exactly happened. I analyzed the situation like myriads of hours. When I am psychotic I also think he women would like me a lot. I think in the end the compliments were kind of offending because my words implied it would difficult for her also to find a partner.
I feel pretty pretty bad about it. I have a lot of self-hatred because of that. And I get the impulse to kill myselff when i remind me of that. My words might implied that her social identity would be a flaw. This was absolutely unintentional. This combined with my psychotic thoughts she liked me turned into a complete disaster as you might can imagine.
The second time we met I was psychotic also. I know she questioned my sanity in front of another person that time. I hate myself for being so judgemental on other people. Bullying at school made me a pretty miserable person with a lot of negative traits. A woman I was once close to me told me she cannot love me inter alia because I was too judgemental towards the unemployed friend of my sister. I think I am sometimes so judgemtal because I demand so much of myself. And all the bullies proved me how horrible other people can be and that I should not trust people not that easily.
I don't see this trans-woman very often. I was confused about all the possible interpretations of interactions that we had so far. Due to the fact I was psychotic at the first time I had no idea what the actual truth is. So recently I met her. I suspected it would come to this meeting. This is why I took the double dosage benzo prior to that day to have a clear mind in order to understand the interaction. I wanted to know what she actually thinks about me. I looked her in the eyes/face for a short time and I saw her disgust about my person. It was mixed with a laughter as if she found my delusions ridiculous. I think she is a pretty nice person and I must have hurt her. Though I don't know to which extent.
She knows of my disability but not all details. I think considers me now a despicable person because it seemed like her gender was a flaw in my eyes. I think for apologizing it is already too late. Since I met her for the first time I changed a lot. I stopped contact with a person that spreads hatred against trans-people. I read stories in this forum of transpeople to understand her struggle better. Recently someone used the wring pronoun when talking about her and I corrected that person. I was not sure whether this was intentional. I think my psychotic mind once again ruins my life. Psychotic thinking is often superficial and relies on stereotypes. Maybe this is a cheap excuse for my behavior.
I don't know what to do. When I looked at her I tried to give her the chance to hit me with her hatred for me. And she used that chance. I try to move on. I would apoplogize to her though I think this would imply I hurt her which is something she would not want to admit. (is this thought itself offensive?)
I am very uncertain about the following. About which magnitude do we talk here? I think about it without any end for many many hours. She instead only met me 3 times in her life and she probably considers me insane and delusional. Why would she feel so hurt by a person that is insane and cannot be taken serious? I am way too obsessed about the whole thing. For her this might be something to think about for 5 minutes. Me instead I have the urge to kill myself when I think about the whole thing. Though others factors drive me over the edge.
The problem is the whole thing stresses me as fuck. Combined with the exam stress I am close to a breakdown. I should try to think less about it. The damage is done. I would apologize but I think this was not a good idea. I feel so fucked up. I hate my mind so fucking much.
One thing to add I think I projected some traits of her from trans-people in this forum. And I could relate to some of their feelings. This was one reason for developing this crush but at the same time it gave me the feeling she might be pretty lonely.
When I relapse I gonna kill myself. So there is a lot at stake. I am very fragile despite the fact I take emergency medication every single day. I have soon exams and that is triggering me as fuck. Performance pressure is extremely toxic for me. It is like torture and it is pretty hard to cope with. I might be on the edge of a relapse. I am unhappy as fuck and my brain is due to that in the self-destruction mode. That means it becomes manic or psychotic.
I have a very strong desire for a partner. And I feel ashamed for the following. I have a crush at college she is trans. The first day I saw her I liked her outer appearance and I thought she is quite cute. Though love interestes always make me psychotic. The first time I was alone with her I tried to flirt with her. This was the first time I ever did that at college. I thought well if I gonna kill myself at least I tried it. The whole thing ended in a disaster. I am not sure what exactly happened. I analyzed the situation like myriads of hours. When I am psychotic I also think he women would like me a lot. I think in the end the compliments were kind of offending because my words implied it would difficult for her also to find a partner.
I feel pretty pretty bad about it. I have a lot of self-hatred because of that. And I get the impulse to kill myselff when i remind me of that. My words might implied that her social identity would be a flaw. This was absolutely unintentional. This combined with my psychotic thoughts she liked me turned into a complete disaster as you might can imagine.
The second time we met I was psychotic also. I know she questioned my sanity in front of another person that time. I hate myself for being so judgemental on other people. Bullying at school made me a pretty miserable person with a lot of negative traits. A woman I was once close to me told me she cannot love me inter alia because I was too judgemental towards the unemployed friend of my sister. I think I am sometimes so judgemtal because I demand so much of myself. And all the bullies proved me how horrible other people can be and that I should not trust people not that easily.
I don't see this trans-woman very often. I was confused about all the possible interpretations of interactions that we had so far. Due to the fact I was psychotic at the first time I had no idea what the actual truth is. So recently I met her. I suspected it would come to this meeting. This is why I took the double dosage benzo prior to that day to have a clear mind in order to understand the interaction. I wanted to know what she actually thinks about me. I looked her in the eyes/face for a short time and I saw her disgust about my person. It was mixed with a laughter as if she found my delusions ridiculous. I think she is a pretty nice person and I must have hurt her. Though I don't know to which extent.
She knows of my disability but not all details. I think considers me now a despicable person because it seemed like her gender was a flaw in my eyes. I think for apologizing it is already too late. Since I met her for the first time I changed a lot. I stopped contact with a person that spreads hatred against trans-people. I read stories in this forum of transpeople to understand her struggle better. Recently someone used the wring pronoun when talking about her and I corrected that person. I was not sure whether this was intentional. I think my psychotic mind once again ruins my life. Psychotic thinking is often superficial and relies on stereotypes. Maybe this is a cheap excuse for my behavior.
I don't know what to do. When I looked at her I tried to give her the chance to hit me with her hatred for me. And she used that chance. I try to move on. I would apoplogize to her though I think this would imply I hurt her which is something she would not want to admit. (is this thought itself offensive?)
I am very uncertain about the following. About which magnitude do we talk here? I think about it without any end for many many hours. She instead only met me 3 times in her life and she probably considers me insane and delusional. Why would she feel so hurt by a person that is insane and cannot be taken serious? I am way too obsessed about the whole thing. For her this might be something to think about for 5 minutes. Me instead I have the urge to kill myself when I think about the whole thing. Though others factors drive me over the edge.
The problem is the whole thing stresses me as fuck. Combined with the exam stress I am close to a breakdown. I should try to think less about it. The damage is done. I would apologize but I think this was not a good idea. I feel so fucked up. I hate my mind so fucking much.
One thing to add I think I projected some traits of her from trans-people in this forum. And I could relate to some of their feelings. This was one reason for developing this crush but at the same time it gave me the feeling she might be pretty lonely.
Last edited:
