Just a heads up that this post is a bit wallow-y and self-pitying but I was thinking back to how I was treated last time I got out of the psych ward and it still upsets me so I just wanted to vent about it.
For some context, at the time this story happened I was a freshman in college in a brand new state with a brand new group of friends who I had become pretty close with.
So, a few months ago I was having some heavy suicidal thoughts and I reached out for help to several people, including friends and mental health professionals, and while they were fairly validating and supportive of my feelings, they didn't do anything to really make things better, and I mean how could they really? I couldn't blame them. So eventually it got to the point where I couldn't take living my normal life anymore, acting like I was just eventually going to get better by some miracle, and I self harmed by od-ing on some prescription meds. The next day I called for an ambulance and was taken to the hospital, eventually being brought to the psych ward and hospitalized for 7 days.
I kept communication with family, my best friend, and my roommate while I was in the hospital and while my family went a little harder on me, trying to get to the root of what had caused my od and trying to get me to reevaluate what I should have done differently instead of resorting to an od, my best friend and roommate seemed supportive of me and helpful. So I was expecting to receive that same energy when I was released and was able to see my friends again.
The day I was released I texted my group chat with my friend group letting them know I was back and that I'd like to see them. Later in the day, I got a text from a friend (Friend A) letting them know I could go over to their room (our usual hangout spot) whenever I was ready. So I popped over, and I opened the door to see that all my other friends were already in the room. A bit odd. I tried to joke a bit and act lighthearted but I could just tell the energy was off. I took a seat and Friend A told me the group had some things they wanted to talk to me about.
Now, I don't recall the conversation perfectly from here but it took a quite serious shift. I remember Friend A telling me that my od "scared the shit out of everyone…" that they felt like it was unfair for me to resort to that when several members of the friend group had talked to me before to try to help me, and that ultimately, they wanted to set boundaries with me because it would be too detrimental to their mental health to be constantly worried about me and having to walk to eggshells around me.
Now, I totally understand their reasoning here— I think it's really hard to have a mentally ill friend and not let it impact you a whole lot. So I don't necessarily blame them or any of my other friends for saying this to me. But at the same time, it still made me really hurt and upset to hear this (and I stopped being friends with pretty much all of them soon after this incident.) I hoped and even pretty much expected (pretty naively) to be accepted with open arms and supported, as while I'm sure my od was a bit traumatic to them, imagine the trauma for me! I was in so much mental pain that I felt like I had to other option than to send out a cry for help and damage myself. You don't think that pushing me away is going to hurt me even more and push me to suicidal thoughts even more? And yeah, I did feel pretty hopeless and suicidal after this.
But in time, I've slowly made a few more friends, one of them knowing about my mental health issues and being supportive of me. I guess that situation just still haunts me to this day.
For some context, at the time this story happened I was a freshman in college in a brand new state with a brand new group of friends who I had become pretty close with.
So, a few months ago I was having some heavy suicidal thoughts and I reached out for help to several people, including friends and mental health professionals, and while they were fairly validating and supportive of my feelings, they didn't do anything to really make things better, and I mean how could they really? I couldn't blame them. So eventually it got to the point where I couldn't take living my normal life anymore, acting like I was just eventually going to get better by some miracle, and I self harmed by od-ing on some prescription meds. The next day I called for an ambulance and was taken to the hospital, eventually being brought to the psych ward and hospitalized for 7 days.
I kept communication with family, my best friend, and my roommate while I was in the hospital and while my family went a little harder on me, trying to get to the root of what had caused my od and trying to get me to reevaluate what I should have done differently instead of resorting to an od, my best friend and roommate seemed supportive of me and helpful. So I was expecting to receive that same energy when I was released and was able to see my friends again.
The day I was released I texted my group chat with my friend group letting them know I was back and that I'd like to see them. Later in the day, I got a text from a friend (Friend A) letting them know I could go over to their room (our usual hangout spot) whenever I was ready. So I popped over, and I opened the door to see that all my other friends were already in the room. A bit odd. I tried to joke a bit and act lighthearted but I could just tell the energy was off. I took a seat and Friend A told me the group had some things they wanted to talk to me about.
Now, I don't recall the conversation perfectly from here but it took a quite serious shift. I remember Friend A telling me that my od "scared the shit out of everyone…" that they felt like it was unfair for me to resort to that when several members of the friend group had talked to me before to try to help me, and that ultimately, they wanted to set boundaries with me because it would be too detrimental to their mental health to be constantly worried about me and having to walk to eggshells around me.
Now, I totally understand their reasoning here— I think it's really hard to have a mentally ill friend and not let it impact you a whole lot. So I don't necessarily blame them or any of my other friends for saying this to me. But at the same time, it still made me really hurt and upset to hear this (and I stopped being friends with pretty much all of them soon after this incident.) I hoped and even pretty much expected (pretty naively) to be accepted with open arms and supported, as while I'm sure my od was a bit traumatic to them, imagine the trauma for me! I was in so much mental pain that I felt like I had to other option than to send out a cry for help and damage myself. You don't think that pushing me away is going to hurt me even more and push me to suicidal thoughts even more? And yeah, I did feel pretty hopeless and suicidal after this.
But in time, I've slowly made a few more friends, one of them knowing about my mental health issues and being supportive of me. I guess that situation just still haunts me to this day.
