Electric1
Student
- Dec 18, 2023
- 100
I can't convince myself that I will get what I want in death. As of right now, I'm pretty convinced that once I'm dead, I will be some being, reincarnate, soul or something. I want to die, I don't want to live. Being able to have a consciousness at all, even if I am in some divine spirit realm, rebirthed as a super wealthy privileged person, some sort of heaven or whatever else is living enough for me. Even if I'm happy, content, and at peace, I don't want to live. The best outcome for me would just be non-existence.
Though, as I work in making everything worse for myself and more miserable and everything, I don't look to validate my desire. I make myself look at other perspectives, and it makes me feel very threatened about my views when I see alternative outcomes suggested. But, within my despair, I embrace it, as with my desired outcome I feel uncertainty about it just because it is the desired outcome, and I know I don't get desired outcomes, and I think it's better to be certain about the unwanted outcomes and get the wanted ones rather than fearing the unwanted outcomes. I should try and not make myself so fearful, right?
So then, it can be asked why I even am going to CTB if I am so certain? Welp, as stated in the title, masochism I guess. I justify the stupidity of it by going like, "It's destiny" or trying to make myself believe I deserve it. This also helps to make myself angry at these circumstances and want to CTB even more but then it just loops around to why I even wanna CTB in the first place which goes back into masochism so I won't go too much further into that.
This must sound crazy, and I know it is, I am crazy, this is my crazy way of thinking. I kinda wanna chuckle reading all this, knowing I'm not just making it up and it's actually how I feel. Thoughts?
Though, as I work in making everything worse for myself and more miserable and everything, I don't look to validate my desire. I make myself look at other perspectives, and it makes me feel very threatened about my views when I see alternative outcomes suggested. But, within my despair, I embrace it, as with my desired outcome I feel uncertainty about it just because it is the desired outcome, and I know I don't get desired outcomes, and I think it's better to be certain about the unwanted outcomes and get the wanted ones rather than fearing the unwanted outcomes. I should try and not make myself so fearful, right?
So then, it can be asked why I even am going to CTB if I am so certain? Welp, as stated in the title, masochism I guess. I justify the stupidity of it by going like, "It's destiny" or trying to make myself believe I deserve it. This also helps to make myself angry at these circumstances and want to CTB even more but then it just loops around to why I even wanna CTB in the first place which goes back into masochism so I won't go too much further into that.
This must sound crazy, and I know it is, I am crazy, this is my crazy way of thinking. I kinda wanna chuckle reading all this, knowing I'm not just making it up and it's actually how I feel. Thoughts?
