Marriage at 19

[iloveloving]

We both love each other and want the same things, but I don't think I want to get married so soon. I am 19 and he is 30s. He doesn't want to waste any more time, but I'd like to date him a while before I make such a commitment. I don't think I'm ready but is that really a valid excuse?

I expressed that this change would be scary and he reassured me everything would be alright, and I could continue my studies. I don't understand what exactly I'm afraid of and it's quite pressuring to make a decision soon.

The uncertainty of our marriage soon applies a pressure I cannot handle. It makes me want to CTB. I plan to talk to him more about this in hopes he will understand, and not get the wrong idea about how I feel towards him.

It's not him, it's me.

 

[tinyboxer]

Is there any benefit to marriage now? Will it somehow change your relationship? I don't think there is any harm in waiting. Let your brain develop to 25 then make that big decision

 

[FadingSentinel]

How long have you known him? Since you are 19 I can't imagine it's been very long. In which case I'd definitly strongly reccomend waiting especially if that's what you'd prefer. I'd say you'd at least have to know and be in a relationship with someone for 3-5 years before making such a commitment. People break up for all kinds of reasons and honeymoon phases when first meeting someone don't last forever, so it would be a mistake to get married in that stage already.

I get that he doesn't want to wait anymore since he's older, but if he cares about you he shouldn't mind waiting. After all if you are together what does it matter. Don't let him pressure you into it, if things go south in the future then you won't just have to deal with a breakup but a divorce as well.

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

Are either of you religious by chance?

 

[memoriesofyesterday]

We both love each other and want the same things, but I don't think I want to get married so soon. I am 19 and he is 30s. He doesn't want to waste any more time, but I'd like to date him a while before I make such a commitment. I don't think I'm ready but is that really a valid excuse?

I expressed that this change would be scary and he reassured me everything would be alright, and I could continue my studies. I don't understand what exactly I'm afraid of and it's quite pressuring to make a decision soon.

The uncertainty of our marriage soon applies a pressure I cannot handle. It makes me want to CTB. I plan to talk to him more about this in hopes he will understand, and not get the wrong idea about how I feel towards him.

It's not him, it's me.

"It's not him, it's me"

Actually, I would argue it is him.

I can't stare into a crystal ball and see you if your together in 30 years.

I'll take a stab (or guess) at it and suggest.... probably not.

Sorry!

But at anytime if you feel something is wrong or uncomfortable, it's probably because those feelings are real.

Having suicidal thoughts because of being 'rushed' into marriage seems really bizarre to me. Archaic and strange.

I believe people call these "red flags".

Trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it!

/\ /\ /\ How many times have you heard that from countless friends/family/people? How many times have you read that statement in books? How many times have you seen a movie quote?

And how many relationships, wind up in divorce because of the 'rush"?

And what is THIS rush?

EDIT: A late job interview is a 'rush'. My kids are late for school, that's a rush.

But a marriage? Let's do some forward thinking here.

A marriage includes so many practical things.

A new house, KIDS, clothes, a kitchen table, debt and a general idea what the future might look like.

Does rushing into a marriage answer even make sense at that point?

Ask yourself, is something almost unhuman and magical going to happen because of this rush?

https://www.google.com/search?q=%22trust+your+gut%22

 

[Mirrory Me]

Marriage should be life long decision, so in that case he would be 41 when you are 30, and so on. How many boyfriends have you had? How could this relationship, or your life developed during that time?

 

[cali22♡]

Marriage should be life long decision, so in that case he would be 41 when you are 30, and so on. How many boyfriends have you had? How could this relationship, or your life developed during that time?

I am exactly of your opinionI

But in some relationships there can still be complications

 

[EvisceratedJester]

How long have you known this person for? The fact that he is so insistent on you guys getting married straight away is kind of a red flag. The fact that you are having trouble even discussing this with him openly and feel like telling him that you aren't ready isn't a valid reason also isn't a very good sign. In a healthy relationship, you should feel like you can discuss these things freely without fear of how the other might react.

 

[KillingPain267]

But in some relationships there can still be complications

Correction: But in ALL relationships there ARE still be complications

 

[Ashu]

Are either of you religious by chance?

I too wonder. It would explain the urgency if, for one or both, sex is forbidden outside of marriage.

 

[iloveloving]

How long have you known him? Since you are 19 I can't imagine it's been very long. In which case I'd definitly strongly reccomend waiting especially if that's what you'd prefer. I'd say you'd at least have to know and be in a relationship with someone for 3-5 years before making such a commitment. People break up for all kinds of reasons and honeymoon phases when first meeting someone don't last forever, so it would be a mistake to get married in that stage already.

I get that he doesn't want to wait anymore since he's older, but if he cares about you he shouldn't mind waiting. After all if you are together what does it matter. Don't let him pressure you into it, if things go south in the future then you won't just have to deal with a breakup but a divorce as well.

I have known him since I was 17 (We did not do anything illegal.) but we have been friends since then, and have slowly started to fall in love.

Are either of you religious by chance?

We are not religious.

"It's not him, it's me"

Actually, I would argue it is him.

I can't stare into a crystal ball and see you if your together in 30 years.

I'll take a stab (or guess) at it and suggest.... probably not.

Sorry!

But at anytime if you feel something is wrong or uncomfortable, it's probably because those feelings are real.

Having suicidal thoughts because of being 'rushed' into marriage seems really bizarre to me. Archaic and strange.

I believe people call these "red flags".

Trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it!

/\ /\ /\ How many times have you heard that from countless friends/family/people? How many times have you read that statement in books? How many times have you seen a movie quote?

And how many relationships, wind up in divorce because of the 'rush"?

And what is THIS rush?

EDIT: A late job interview is a 'rush'. My kids are late for school, that's a rush.

But a marriage? Let's do some forward thinking here.

A marriage includes so many practical things.

A new house, KIDS, clothes, a kitchen table, debt and a general idea what the future might look like.

Does rushing into a marriage answer even make sense at that point?

Ask yourself, is something almost unhuman and magical going to happen because of this rush?

https://www.google.com/search?q=%22trust+your+gut%22

Isn't it normal to be nervous/worry about this kind of commitment? Maybe not rushing, and taking our time will let me know whether I truly want to do it and lessen my worries? We have discussed many things beforehand.

Marriage should be life long decision, so in that case he would be 41 when you are 30, and so on. How many boyfriends have you had? How could this relationship, or your life developed during that time?

I have had one short-term ex during my teenager years. This is my first serious relationship.

I too wonder. It would explain the urgency if, for one or both, sex is forbidden outside of marriage.

We're not really sexually oriented and have talked about being perfectly fine waiting until marriage. It's way more love than lust.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I have known him since I was 17 (We did not do anything illegal.) but we have been friends since then, and have slowly started to fall in love.

That's a major red flag. Why is someone in their late 20s friends with a 17-year-old? I would rethink this relationship altogether if I were you. It comes off as very sketchy and it feels like there might be a chance that he's taking advantage of you.

 

[Dai]

Old man trying to pressure a kid into marriage. Sounds like a good guy that you'd want to spend the rest of your life with.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

 

[memoriesofyesterday]

That's a major red flag. Why is someone in their late 20s friends with a 17-year-old? I would rethink this relationship altogether if I were you. It comes off as very sketchy and it feels like there might be a chance that he's taking advantage of you.

The fact that you mentioned the age difference seems strange.

Are you sure he's not controlling?

 

[iloveloving]

That's a major red flag. Why is someone in their late 20s friends with a 17-year-old? I would rethink this relationship altogether if I were you. It comes off as very sketchy and it feels like there might be a chance that he's taking advantage of you.

I actually contacted him for a mentorship for my career. That is how we met, then we become appropriate friends, and that's when we started to talk more and so on… Leading us to this point.

I understand it may be weird. But to be very clear, things were strict and appropriate between us because of our age differences, we could control that. But we couldn't control our feelings developed for each other.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Are you sure he's not controlling?

He's literally trying to get her to marry him when she's only 19. I'm pretty sure we already have the answer to that question.

 

[iloveloving]

Are you sure he's not controlling?

I don't think so. He is very respectful. But I'm just not sure if I want to make such a commitment right now because of my worries. People are right and I am young with not as much knowledge. So you know, I don't know.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I actually contacted him for a mentorship for my career. That is how we met, then we become appropriate friends, and that's when we started to talk more and so on… Leading us to this point.

I understand it may be weird. But to be very clear, things were strict and appropriate between us because of our age differences, we could control that. But we couldn't control our feelings developed for each other.

Dude, the power dynamics are all off. The fact that this is someone who you originally contacted for your mentorship career isn't helping your case here. You also mentioned that you agreed not to have sex until marriage and that honestly might explain why he is so keen on marrying you so soon. If he truly loved you then he wouldn't have decided to go out with someone who he knew back when they were only 17, because he would understand the issues with it. He is targeting you, not in love with you.

 

[memoriesofyesterday]

I don't think so. He is very respectful. But I'm just not sure if I want to make such a commitment right now because of my worries. People are right and I am young with not as much knowledge. So you know, I don't know.

Why waste it?

What's the rush?

Again, marriage isn't a carpool on a two lane highway.

The whole future of your life will be fulfilled in that marriage.

Also, ask yourself why you want to kill yourself because of this marriage.

We wish you the best of luck.

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

We both love each other and want the same things, but I don't think I want to get married so soon. I am 19 and he is 30s. He doesn't want to waste any more time, but I'd like to date him a while before I make such a commitment. I don't think I'm ready but is that really a valid excuse?

I expressed that this change would be scary and he reassured me everything would be alright, and I could continue my studies. I don't understand what exactly I'm afraid of and it's quite pressuring to make a decision soon.

The uncertainty of our marriage soon applies a pressure I cannot handle. It makes me want to CTB. I plan to talk to him more about this in hopes he will understand, and not get the wrong idea about how I feel towards him.

It's not him, it's me.

Dear, I'm sorry for the situation, but listen to yourself: the thought of marrying him now makes you want to CTB. That should be reason enough not to do it. You're young, he's putting pressure on you because he knows that if you really think about it and consider it carefully, you won't marry him (now or at all). Also, a few questions to ask yourself:
1. If he so desperately wants to get married, why didn't he do it sooner, like 10 years ago? Maybe because even then other women realized he's not "marriage material", to say the least
2. Why does he want to get married so quickly? If he loves you, there's no rush, you'll still be there, so what can be the real reason behind this?
3. I know you might disagree, but why does he want to marry someone so young? I could bet older women know well enough not to get involved with him.

My dear, the whole situation yealls "RUN". It's clear you don't wanna do it and he's not a good partner if he's pressuring you. Continue to study and focus on you, you can find someone much better.

"I'm not ready" is a perfectly good reason not to do something. And it's not you, it's him.

 

[iloveloving]

Dude, the power dynamics are all off. The fact that this is someone who you originally contacted for your mentorship career isn't helping your case here. You also mentioned that you agreed not to have sex until marriage and that honestly might explain why he is so keen on marrying you so soon. If he truly loved you then he wouldn't have decided to go out with someone who he knew back when they were only 17, because he would understand the issues with it. He is targeting you, not in love with you.

You make a good point here. Thank you! Of course, I would try to make excuses because of my feelings for him, so it's helpful to get another and reasonable perceptive of how it may seem. I will definitely think more about how I will continue our relationship.

Dear, I'm sorry for the situation, but listen to yourself: the thought of marrying him now makes you want to CTB. That should be reason enough not to do it. You're young, he's putting pressure on you because he knows that if you really think about it and consider it carefully, you won't marry him (now or at all). Also, a few questions to ask yourself:
1. If he so desperately wants to get married, why didn't he do it sooner, like 10 years ago? Maybe because even then other women realized he's not "marriage material", to say the least
2. Why does he want to get married so quickly? If he loves you, there's no rush, you'll still be there, so what can be the real reason behind this?
3. I know you might disagree, but why does he want to marry someone so young? I could bet older women know well enough not to get involved with him.

My dear, the whole situation yealls "RUN". It's clear you don't wanna do it and he's not a good partner if he's pressuring you. Continue to study and focus on you, you can find someone much better.

"I'm not ready" is a perfectly good reason not to do something. And it's not you, it's him.

Thank you so much for being kind about this. He has been married before. Maybe I'll confront or ask him more about this whole relationship, and might even reconsider my decision.