Help Marriage advice please

[solblaze]

I'm just seeking some opinions that aren't Reddit. So I've been struggling for the past several years with feeling unloved and unloveable. The past few days it's been especially weighing on me. Tonight my wife kept asking what was wrong and I finally told her "I just want to feel loved" and she came back with our lack of sex. I have a chunk missing from a vertebra, and an enlarged prostate that I've been getting medical help for. Well she proceeds to tell me everything I've done wrong, when I break down and lose it crying she then told me how she loved me and I honestly went manic. I was pulling my hair and just walking in random directions. She said again how she loved me and she hoped I knew she loved me and I kinda lost it and told her only thing I know now is everything's my fault and she went on about how she wasn't trying to blame me. Well the conversation went on about how my lack of sex is her problem, and if I want a lovey dovey wife then I need to be giving her sex. I hurt from head to toe every day from my injury, I've peed 4 times in less than a hour. I'm lost. Idk what to do. I've been going to the dr for 3 months now over my prostate, the Med's I've tried so far had awful side effects and I couldn't take them. I'm lost. Idk what to do. And no, I never once got to explain how I feel or why I feel unloved. The conversation was immediately turned to my lack of a sex drive.

 

[dump224477]

She should be more understanding of your injury.
Best wishes

 

[rih]

I mean people's mind reside in different places; it could have just been something on her mind, or her jumping the gun. Sorta a Hanlon's razor scenario minus the stupidity and replace it with just coming at it from a different thought process. The fact you're discussing things even if it was for a moment before mania is a good thing, since communication break down is probably the worst for relationships, I think. Her deflection to your issues could be a sign of concern/care or it could be she's trying to wall herself off so it'd be good to try discuss things in a more calm manner or with an impartial third-party.

Probably not what you want to hear but mania episodes are pretty serious, definitely consider a doctor or even just counseling while you work through your own health together. I wish you both the best and good health.

 

[solblaze]

She should be more understanding of your injury.
Best wishes

I don't know anymore. I've been trying to work up the nerve to ctb for a few years now but can't get past my fear of making myself retarded. I do have access to guns but didn't wanna go that route to atleast give my mother an open casket funeral. I'm to the point I really don't even care about that anymore and just want to end this internal suffering I deal with. Between the physical pain from where I got hurt years ago, and the turmoil that is my mind, I just want it to be over.
Ye

I mean people's mind reside in different places; it could have just been something on her mind, or her jumping the gun. Sorta a Hanlon's razor scenario minus the stupidity and replace it with just coming at it from a different thought process. The fact you're discussing things even if it was for a moment before mania is a good thing, since communication break down is probably the worst for relationships, I think. Her deflection to your issues could be a sign of concern/care or it could be she's trying to wall herself off so it'd be good to try discuss things in a more calm manner or with an impartial third-party.

Probably not what you want to hear but mania episodes are pretty serious, definitely consider a doctor or even just counseling while you work through your own health together. I wish you both the best and good health.

It dosent happen often but I just hit an emotional wall that I'd already been dealing with in silence for a long time. When I do finally open up to talk about it the conversation just seemed like it was hijacked and made all about her, and made out to be solely my fault cause of physical injuries, and my benign prostatic hyperplasia issues.

 

[rih]

It dosent happen often but I just hit an emotional wall that I'd already been dealing with in silence for a long time. When I do finally open up to talk about it the conversation just seemed like it was hijacked and made all about her, and made out to be solely my fault cause of physical injuries, and my benign prostatic hyperplasia issues.

Try not to look at it with malice or blame; rough times make guilt a lot easier to accumulate and throw around. She could just see it as the problems presented to her are X and Y in this case your medical issues. She could just be stunted as she hasn't dealt with anything like it before; life is full of difficulties and new situations. Unless she shows obvious dismissal about it or is actively trying to hinder you I wouldn't look at it that way.

Have you tried to get a second opinion/another doctor for your issues? I've had such horrible times with some doctors where I was on the brink of hospitalization when I went to my local doctor who wrote it off as 'viral' and to let it 'blow over' then i got a second opinion and the doctor put me on meds and hit the problem a little better and so on. Don't feel like you owe someone your business if that's the case as it falls a lot into patterns like that.

Hope you find a solution to your health and relationship, communication is important try come at it from a neutral ground; your wife said she loves you, keep that in mind i'm sure you love her too or else these emotions wouldn't be so forthcoming.
Take care.

 

[Unbolted0605]

Hello. This sounds like a terrible situation to be in.

I understand why you're not having sex at the moment, it's totally valid and I think she probably shouldn't be pressuring you. At the same time, I understand her perspective and, for her happiness the health of your relationship, I wonder if you can do something for her in this area. TMI maybe but here are some things that you might be able to do.

- Giving oral
- Buying vibrators and similar and being with her while she uses them
- Giving massages
- Telling her you find her beautiful, sexy (even if 'sexy' isn't a mode you can be in right now - I'm sure you can remember it/if it was a mode you could be in, you would find her sexy)

I can't think of anything more, but I bet googling (a private search engine would be better, to avoid giving advertisers this info) could give more ideas. As I said, the goal I have in mind is to keep her happy and keep your relationship healthy, which in your current situation seems like a good idea. I hope things improve for you soon wrt your health.

 

[solblaze]

Try not to look at it with malice or blame; rough times make guilt a lot easier to accumulate and throw around. She could just see it as the problems presented to her are X and Y in this case your medical issues. She could just be stunted as she hasn't dealt with anything like it before; life is full of difficulties and new situations. Unless she shows obvious dismissal about it or is actively trying to hinder you I wouldn't look at it that way.

Have you tried to get a second opinion/another doctor for your issues? I've had such horrible times with some doctors where I was on the brink of hospitalization when I went to my local doctor who wrote it off as 'viral' and to let it 'blow over' then i got a second opinion and the doctor put me on meds and hit the problem a little better and so on. Don't feel like you owe someone your business if that's the case as it falls a lot into patterns like that.

Hope you find a solution to your health and relationship, communication is important try come at it from a neutral ground; your wife said she loves you, keep that in mind i'm sure you love her too or else these emotions wouldn't be so forthcoming.
Take care.

I really don't know how to look at it. Everyyime I've tried to open up about my mental struggles, or how I feel, I don't even get to finish my thoughts before I'm being told how I've done x wrong, or something's my fault. I have wondered if she's not stunted as she openly admits to everyone that she has no empathy for anyone, and after being married all these years I believe it from what I've seen.

As for doctors, I'm on my third one now, and all 3 have had the same diagnosis, the third just realized I also have an over active bladder on top of the enlarged prostate.

I've been wanting to ctb for years now. I decided over a year ago that when my elder dog passes I plan to follow him. I can't keep doing this. I feel so mentally and physically broken that I can't keep feeling like this. I hurt every god damn day, I feel so worthless I don't want to leave the house or get out of bed. I just don't know, I'm at my limit.

 

[NeverBegun]

I know this comment will be completely ignored and overlooked, but I recommend you read Cupid's Poisoned Arrow by Marnia Robinson, especially until the end, because it's only in the second half of the book that it discusses the science behind how orgasms increase prolactin, which in the long term causes the initial love and spark in a relationship to fade. However, through the practice of Karezza, which focuses on bonding contact and increases oxytocin, it's possible to recover that initial love and spark in the relationship. I truly recommend it to you; don't resign yourself to thinking that it's natural for the intense love to fade over time—it's not, believe me. If you want to talk more, I'm here, and I hope your situation improves. Sending you a big hug.