MeowWantsToGoHome
Missing the Moon 🌙
- Sep 11, 2024
- 31
Hey guys,
It should be this Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. In a previous post I made, I said that I would CTB before my birthday, but I decided to wait until after. Well, my birthday was the 21st, but my boyfriend decided to take the entire week off this week and I can only do this when he's gone. So it had to be postponed until next week. I'm lucky that he works 12/hr night shifts. It gives me plenty of time to get everything sorted out and, with any luck, over and done with.
To anyone who hasn't kept up with my other posts, I'm planning on using the Night-Night method.
I won't vent too much about my feelings and stuff in this post. But what I will say is that it's getting so. Much. Worse. The anhedonia is eating me alive at this point. I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel for dopamine. I feel myself growing so damn apathetic toward everything, even toward the guilt of how my death will affect everyone who loves me. And that's… really scary.
It makes me feel cold. I feel so empty. And the consistent downward trend my life has been on lately is only cementing it in my mind that this has to be done. There's just zero point anymore. I'm living solely to take my next breath and that's not a life.
I found the ratchet strap already and hid it in my closet. I need this to work. I'm done living like this. I simply cannot anymore.
But I'm scared of what comes after…
It should be this Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. In a previous post I made, I said that I would CTB before my birthday, but I decided to wait until after. Well, my birthday was the 21st, but my boyfriend decided to take the entire week off this week and I can only do this when he's gone. So it had to be postponed until next week. I'm lucky that he works 12/hr night shifts. It gives me plenty of time to get everything sorted out and, with any luck, over and done with.
To anyone who hasn't kept up with my other posts, I'm planning on using the Night-Night method.
I won't vent too much about my feelings and stuff in this post. But what I will say is that it's getting so. Much. Worse. The anhedonia is eating me alive at this point. I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel for dopamine. I feel myself growing so damn apathetic toward everything, even toward the guilt of how my death will affect everyone who loves me. And that's… really scary.
It makes me feel cold. I feel so empty. And the consistent downward trend my life has been on lately is only cementing it in my mind that this has to be done. There's just zero point anymore. I'm living solely to take my next breath and that's not a life.
I found the ratchet strap already and hid it in my closet. I need this to work. I'm done living like this. I simply cannot anymore.
But I'm scared of what comes after…
sending all my love 
