almost universally despised categories of being. i understand that everyone at some point embodies these traits, but it is sort of defeating to be chronically fake, chronically manipulative, chronically nothing. i feel nothing on theinside, emotions are paper thin and usually absent, most of my conversations with people are a constant game of trying to engender some sort of perception of myself in their heads. then i'll switch up on what perception i want to create and agonize over my past divergences. talking to me is probably whiplash. i am deathly afraid of honesty, of revealing myself, of anything but fighting a mental struggle against others, never letting my guard down. it's exhausting and feels irreparable at this point. if i had arrested this trend in its infancy, and decided to hang out with better people, seen into the future at what i could become if i let my insecurities take over, i could have altered course, but at some point, there is no helping someone who cannot be honest.
i see people on here who have incredibly sympathetic stories of loss and feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred that (in my opinion, and not to minimize anything) i believe they don't deserve. it's been imposed on them by the constant abuse of others and it's just so unfair to see these people who are usually incredibly good-natured and well-intentioned people internalize complete bullshit projection by abusive parents, peers, and the like. i feel alienated from most of these stories because i feel like everything i do is my own fuck up, my own fault, and in most of my accounts of things that were truly outside of my control, not that bad. if i ctb it's a net benefit to society. it's not a tragic story of someone who was tortured and cornered into taking their own life because of the horrible nature of others. i'd be just an asshole who had the clarity to take themselves out before they cause more trouble and hurt more people (and i don't mean through being burdensome or whatever, i mean in being an outright unpleasant piece of shit).
it's truly alienating to feel like a genuinely horrible person, constantly reading posts online about people being pieces of shit and relating it back to myself. i don't know if others feel this way, but if i ctb it is 100% going to be because of this.
i see people on here who have incredibly sympathetic stories of loss and feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred that (in my opinion, and not to minimize anything) i believe they don't deserve. it's been imposed on them by the constant abuse of others and it's just so unfair to see these people who are usually incredibly good-natured and well-intentioned people internalize complete bullshit projection by abusive parents, peers, and the like. i feel alienated from most of these stories because i feel like everything i do is my own fuck up, my own fault, and in most of my accounts of things that were truly outside of my control, not that bad. if i ctb it's a net benefit to society. it's not a tragic story of someone who was tortured and cornered into taking their own life because of the horrible nature of others. i'd be just an asshole who had the clarity to take themselves out before they cause more trouble and hurt more people (and i don't mean through being burdensome or whatever, i mean in being an outright unpleasant piece of shit).
it's truly alienating to feel like a genuinely horrible person, constantly reading posts online about people being pieces of shit and relating it back to myself. i don't know if others feel this way, but if i ctb it is 100% going to be because of this.
