Help Manipulating the brain into depression

[fruitPeas]

I have been going down a rabbit hole of information around hypnosis being used to inflict trauma, used maliciously, etc today. In my first thread on this site I vented a lot about how I wish I could have a terrible mental disorder so that I can feel valid in my eventual ctb. I have a really hard time processing information like this so please lmk/forgive me if im being insensitive about any of this. I always feel so envious when someone else has worse mental health/more trauma than I do. I have been dreaming lately of feeling hopeless and having no future, a world where the only way out is suicide. Unfortunately for me though, I have great parents and loving siblings and a couple good friends and a promising future (ugh.) and my mental health is annoyingly reflecting that. All I want is to die!! So anyhow I was asking about a user on this forum about an hour ago and was so so very interested to hear that they suffer from a hypnosis injury which is something i have never heard of before. from the response that I got it seems like they are well known, I am pretty new to this forum. I am so sorry i feel so bad for being envious of this but it just seems like such a real and tangible way of achieving my urges of mental self harm? I began writing and reciting some negative affirmations for myself, I am beginning to starve myself and deprive myself of sleep, and I am trying to separate myself from the people I enjoy talking to. I just worry that it won't be enough to push me into the deep end as far as I want it to. I mean like I know depression is largely genetic but there has to be soomething I can do. Also, mega surprise here but I cannot find resources for negative mental health hypnosis fucking anywhere. This seems like such a tiny unconventional subject and I also feel insanely guilty for being jealous of others' trauma but I am so damn curious. Nothing I wouldn't give, does anybody know anything at all about this? I feel like the solution to all of my questions is locked behind a wall made of glass...

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I'm a bit lost so please correct me if I'm wrong. What I got from your post was the following: you want to die but you're doing well and have everything laid out to have a good future. Yet, you want to inflict chronic pain on yourself because you feel envious of other people that are suffering more than you and you're also curious to suffer more or similar to them. Is this correct?

If it is, why don't you simply try to recover if you have everything there for success and you're already feeling better?

If what I got from your post is correct, it sounds like you're romanticizing pain and suffering and kind of making a mockery of people who would have given so much to have the luck you have.

I hope I understood this wrong as, if I didn't, this post is uncaring and vile.

 

[theolivanderroach]

Why do you want mental self harm? Do you not have enough by being here in the first place? You want more? Genuinely asking.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

If I got you right, you want to die for whatever reasons (maybe masochism) but your motivation isn´t strong enough to overcome your survival instinct. In this situation it is only logical to look for additional reasons to kill oneself, for example depressions, and measurements to built up theses additional reasons. You need something that act against measurements to prevent suicide. Talking someone into suicide would be a psychological approach and depressants the pharmaceutical one. I am sure that such stuff is highly illegal, maybe you will find something in the darknet.