Venting Manic Episodes make it hard to tell if I want to die.

[futurebuscatcher]

I have Bipolar/Manic depression and it's so hard to tell if I reallg want to die or not.

I get Episodes where I suddenly start getting ready and prepping everything. I have so many notes at the go and plan on getting a rope. I get so miserable I have nothing left and get in the mood to do it.

Yet there's just times where I don't want to. I'm not happy by any means but part of me keeps wanting to continue on or just feels too lazy to get up and hang myself. But I still want to die. I mean I've been wanting do die since inwas around 9 or 10.

It's frustrating— now I'm anxious to go through with it cause what if I do want keep living or what if it's just SI or how I really am?

I hope I kill myself during an episode but I can never seem to get to that point and I don't know how to push myself or how to just stop these thoughts entirely.

Anyone else going through this and can maybe give some advice of their own experiences? I know none of you can decide for me if I want to die or not obvs but any thoughts would be appreciated.

 

[ladylazarus4]

That sounds really confusing and distressing. I kind of feel the same way in that I can't really decide if I truly want to die. I'm not sure how to figure it out but I wish you all the best.