parentportaldotnet
shark
- Sep 13, 2024
- 8
I'm so tired.
I really am.
I feel like my situation could get better if i could get out of the place i'm currently at. It's my fault on some level that it is the way it is, but it seems like the people around me also don't know where to start and/or are making an attempt to understand how i feel. at this point, i don't see a way out.
If the current exit i have plan falls through (one more party has to agree to let me go) then i don't think i'm going to make it much longer. (the plan possibly falling through is my fault, i would like to clarify.)
i live in a nice home, money isn't an issue from what i can tell, and i have certain luxuries that most other people don't have, but it all doesn't really feel like anything when you're surrounded by your own thoughts because your chemistry is simply fucked and you get told that you aren't grateful for any of it.
my emotions are constantly downplayed and taken personally as if it's an attack.
i try my hardest to not make the people who have hurt me feel as if it's their fault but im 'neurodivergent' and it's hard for me to word things in an articulate manner when im emotional, stressed, and unable to keep my emotions in the metaphorical 'box'.
A lot is my fault and i understand that i should've tried harder. i was a kid, but being simply a 'kid' doesn't excuse that behavior. i feel as if i've catastrophically fucked my situation.
i don't want to die, but i also wish that i could go to sleep and not wake up, just for the sake of me and others. it would be so nice to just disappear as if i were never born, i imagine that would make me so so blissful. i just imagine it as very warm, like a big, tight hug that i never got, for the first time. I feel like death would welcome me with open arms, it wouldn't judge, it would just take me to a place that feels like home.
hopefully my situation improves, again, i don't want to die, but it seems so very 'warm'. warmth i don't think i've ever truly experienced from the people who i wanted it from the most.
i think i've come to terms with the fact that i won't receive the love i wanted from the people who i yearned from it most from. but when i expressed this to them, they took it so personally. i don't understand why. to me it seemed like i was lifting a responsibility off their shoulders. but even then they got frustrated.
i feel like nothing i say will make them happy. and that's ok. they won't have to deal with it for much longer. it's just a matter of whether i'm still on this earth but away from them, or off this earth and away from them.
either way, i feel like i've rambled on for a while. i hope this didn't sound pitying. i know that at least half of it is my fault. i just wanted to vent, i guess.
if i post more, then the plan fell through and there's a good chance that i'll go through with the plan. the people i live with, though, have locked up all medication in their closet. i don't know why they still want me alive to be honest. it shows some level of care, but i never feel it, maybe im just being a stupid bitch though.
i know where the keys to the spot are though so i think ill take some of my meds after researching what the best one to OD on is. i doubt that any of them will be effective but it's all i have. i just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
either way, my laundry is done and there's fucking gum on it because i left a packet of extra polar ice gum in my pocket.
I really am.
I feel like my situation could get better if i could get out of the place i'm currently at. It's my fault on some level that it is the way it is, but it seems like the people around me also don't know where to start and/or are making an attempt to understand how i feel. at this point, i don't see a way out.
If the current exit i have plan falls through (one more party has to agree to let me go) then i don't think i'm going to make it much longer. (the plan possibly falling through is my fault, i would like to clarify.)
i live in a nice home, money isn't an issue from what i can tell, and i have certain luxuries that most other people don't have, but it all doesn't really feel like anything when you're surrounded by your own thoughts because your chemistry is simply fucked and you get told that you aren't grateful for any of it.
my emotions are constantly downplayed and taken personally as if it's an attack.
i try my hardest to not make the people who have hurt me feel as if it's their fault but im 'neurodivergent' and it's hard for me to word things in an articulate manner when im emotional, stressed, and unable to keep my emotions in the metaphorical 'box'.
A lot is my fault and i understand that i should've tried harder. i was a kid, but being simply a 'kid' doesn't excuse that behavior. i feel as if i've catastrophically fucked my situation.
i don't want to die, but i also wish that i could go to sleep and not wake up, just for the sake of me and others. it would be so nice to just disappear as if i were never born, i imagine that would make me so so blissful. i just imagine it as very warm, like a big, tight hug that i never got, for the first time. I feel like death would welcome me with open arms, it wouldn't judge, it would just take me to a place that feels like home.
hopefully my situation improves, again, i don't want to die, but it seems so very 'warm'. warmth i don't think i've ever truly experienced from the people who i wanted it from the most.
i think i've come to terms with the fact that i won't receive the love i wanted from the people who i yearned from it most from. but when i expressed this to them, they took it so personally. i don't understand why. to me it seemed like i was lifting a responsibility off their shoulders. but even then they got frustrated.
i feel like nothing i say will make them happy. and that's ok. they won't have to deal with it for much longer. it's just a matter of whether i'm still on this earth but away from them, or off this earth and away from them.
either way, i feel like i've rambled on for a while. i hope this didn't sound pitying. i know that at least half of it is my fault. i just wanted to vent, i guess.
if i post more, then the plan fell through and there's a good chance that i'll go through with the plan. the people i live with, though, have locked up all medication in their closet. i don't know why they still want me alive to be honest. it shows some level of care, but i never feel it, maybe im just being a stupid bitch though.
i know where the keys to the spot are though so i think ill take some of my meds after researching what the best one to OD on is. i doubt that any of them will be effective but it's all i have. i just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
either way, my laundry is done and there's fucking gum on it because i left a packet of extra polar ice gum in my pocket.
