Making promises to stay alive

[selaore]

I noticed that I keep making promises to myself to survive a bit longer. I really want to die, but another part wants to try a little longer. So I made the promise that I can ctb when I'm 30 (next year). I actually made that promise myself a couple of years ago.
My life is filled with promises like that. I started studying again last year and I feel like the 30th birthday thing is going to be stretched: now I promised my self I can ctb once I graduated.

It feels like my life I'm surviving on these promises but I don't really choose life all the way.
Tonight I had a crisis and I couldn't stop crying and I kept thinking: only one more year and then it's over. Somehow it calms to think about it and I feel like the end is in sight.
Anyone else recognises this?

 

[booray]

I commend you for sticking with your studies at all when you're thinking that you'll want to leave this world once you've finished. The fact that I want to ctb zaps all of my motivation completely.

 

[Into The Void]

Some promises are overrated. I personally stopped doing the promises thing. But I understand why people do it.

 

[amarillo]

I recognise this 100%, it's like you're describing me. I keep trying this "one last thing" and see if it will bring back the joy of living (spoiler alert, it never does), but then also not committing to it fully. It's like I don't really want to die but I also don't want to give up the option of suicide, which leaves me in a constant state of limbo. I've been living like this for about 5 years now and honestly it's shit. I don't think I can every fully choose life, so then only one option remains. I just gotta stop fooling myself.

 

[WornOutLife]

The only promise I made myself is that I will TRY to live one more time. That's enough lol.

 

[selaore]

I recognise this 100%, it's like you're describing me. I keep trying this "one last thing" and see if it will bring back the joy of living (spoiler alert, it never does), but then also not committing to it fully. It's like I don't really want to die but I also don't want to give up the option of suicide, which leaves me in a constant state of limbo. I've been living like this for about 5 years now and honestly it's shit. I don't think I can every fully choose life, so then only one option remains. I just gotta stop fooling myself.

Do you have any idea why you keep trying this "one last thing"? I always feel like maybe I have a sparkle op hope, but then it gets crushed by some minor thing.

The only promise I made myself is that I will TRY to live one more time. That's enough lol.

That's good enough ;). I'm sending you support! I hope it works out for you.

 

[amarillo]

Do you have any idea why you keep trying this "one last thing"? I always feel like maybe I have a sparkle op hope, but then it gets crushed by some minor thing.

I think the permanence of suicide scares me. It's stupid and irrational, because once you ctb you will no longer be able to realise what you did anyway. The annoying thing is that as long as you delay the decision, you're basically choosing to live.

If this is what people call hope, then hope sucks lol.

 

[signifying nothing]

I noticed that I keep making promises to myself to survive a bit longer. I really want to die, but another part wants to try a little longer. So I made the promise that I can ctb when I'm 30 (next year). I actually made that promise myself a couple of years ago.
My life is filled with promises like that. I started studying again last year and I feel like the 30th birthday thing is going to be stretched: now I promised my self I can ctb once I graduated.

It feels like my life I'm surviving on these promises but I don't really choose life all the way.
Tonight I had a crisis and I couldn't stop crying and I kept thinking: only one more year and then it's over. Somehow it calms to think about it and I feel like the end is in sight.
Anyone else recognises this?

I think you need try and find a better basis on which to live because it sounds like you're punishing yourself by making these promises - forever pushing your goal into the future and leaving you here in the present struggling and suffering.

 

[spiderlily]

I relate strongly. I keep making similar promises and finding obligations...for example "stay until you get your degree" or "stay until you've experienced financial independence because maybe you'll be happier when you aren't a burden." Despite good intentions, it feels like I'm just half assing my way through life since I don't truly want to be here. I was really close to getting the materials to ctb recently, but one day I spoke on the phone with my mother and the guilt felt so heavy I broke down and couldn't. So while I can't allow myself to go yet, I sometimes find comfort in thinking that one day, I won't have to live like this. It's tough to keep trying, especially after getting disappointed repeatedly at the lack of mental change.

 

[selaore]

I relate strongly. I keep making similar promises and finding obligations...for example "stay until you get your degree" or "stay until you've experienced financial independence because maybe you'll be happier when you aren't a burden." Despite good intentions, it feels like I'm just half assing my way through life since I don't truly want to be here. I was really close to getting the materials to ctb recently, but one day I spoke on the phone with my mother and the guilt felt so heavy I broke down and couldn't. So while I can't allow myself to go yet, I sometimes find comfort in thinking that one day, I won't have to live like this. It's tough to keep trying, especially after getting disappointed repeatedly at the lack of mental change.

Yes, that's how I feel as well. It's weird but the comfort of knowing that one day... is keeping me alive.

I commend you for sticking with your studies at all when you're thinking that you'll want to leave this world once you've finished. The fact that I want to ctb zaps all of my motivation completely.

On good days I like studying, but on bad days... I just keep on going because I don't want the outside to see how I'm really doing.