plan c
My last resort.
- Nov 8, 2022
- 72
I find myself falling into a very unstable mentality: my struggle between life and death is starting to consume all my availability and I can do neither of them properly. Then I decided I should prioritize making peace between the Life Side and the Death Side, by deciding a ctb date if possible. And I should probably write sth like this to reach for help.
The primary issue is, mental divergence of mine is permanent. This is not a pessimistic talk and rather was backed up by most professionals. I have bpd and dsps which are both highly treatment resistant. Social functions and physical health are going down the drain over time. I've gone through many therapies and it usually just yield very little improvement somewhere while costing more than I can take somewhere else. Plus my job and my family aren't very friendly towards my mental divergence so there's no realitic way to access total recovery.
I suppose it's impossible, and meaningless to endure such agony for an entire lifetime with low QoL. In the end, living 50 more years like this wouldn't do anything good. So it must end somewhere, sooner or later, depending on how Life Side and Death Side would think about it. I tried to set a deadline for myself but Life Side always violate the agreement, likely due to SI, or it was just my ego. Quite complicated
Then I wonder what I should do... Perhaps I should try setting a deadline again. Or maybe I'll come up with a new plan. I'm glad if anyone could offer suggesstions.
This must not continue. I've spent 2 hours to push my writing to this point and I regret I can't do any better.
The primary issue is, mental divergence of mine is permanent. This is not a pessimistic talk and rather was backed up by most professionals. I have bpd and dsps which are both highly treatment resistant. Social functions and physical health are going down the drain over time. I've gone through many therapies and it usually just yield very little improvement somewhere while costing more than I can take somewhere else. Plus my job and my family aren't very friendly towards my mental divergence so there's no realitic way to access total recovery.
I suppose it's impossible, and meaningless to endure such agony for an entire lifetime with low QoL. In the end, living 50 more years like this wouldn't do anything good. So it must end somewhere, sooner or later, depending on how Life Side and Death Side would think about it. I tried to set a deadline for myself but Life Side always violate the agreement, likely due to SI, or it was just my ego. Quite complicated
Then I wonder what I should do... Perhaps I should try setting a deadline again. Or maybe I'll come up with a new plan. I'm glad if anyone could offer suggesstions.
This must not continue. I've spent 2 hours to push my writing to this point and I regret I can't do any better.
