Discussion "Making it easy"

[Walpurgisnacht]

For as long as I can remember, I would always engage in extremely dangerous behaviour, and I think it's cause I'm not confident in my ability to overcome SI.
So before I attempted the first time, I would do extremely stupid shit hoping that the world would take me out for me, make it easy so I don't have to face my decision head on.

Is this a common behaviour for people not mentally ready to CTB yet?

 

[RdMrk]

For as long as I can remember, I would always engage in extremely dangerous behaviour, and I think it's cause I'm not confident in my ability to overcome SI.
So before I attempted the first time, I would do extremely stupid shit hoping that the world would take me out for me, make it easy so I don't have to face my decision head on.

Is this a common behaviour for people not mentally ready to CTB yet?

Sounds like what I do. I sometimes wander the streets at night in my city (which has a high crime rate) hoping I find a serial killer or something. Still have not

 

[qwerty1969]

I think it's just a result of simply being suicidal. I previously found myself walking into traffic in some sort of lame hope that I was going to be hit by a vehicle.

 

[coltact]

Driving recklessly without a seatbelt is something I've done for a long time while depressed, but that's as far as I have gone with that type of behaviour. I'm petrified of being maimed.

 

[Walpurgisnacht]

I think it's just a result of simply being suicidal. I previously found myself walking into traffic in some sort of lame hope that I was going to be hit by a vehicle.

I would do the same, yeah; sleeping on blind bends or intersections, sleeping on the railway line at a blind bend, OD on as many drugs as I could get (which is kinda what I'm doing right now, can barely even write because my arms are spazzing out too much; forgive me if what I post is nonsense, I'm having a small psychotic episode rn is all, and I can never tell if what I write makes sense when I'm like this.)
I guess just, hoping to get lucky.

 

[coltact]

I would do the same, yeah; sleeping on blind bends or intersections, sleeping on the railway line at a blind bend, OD on as many drugs as I could get (which is kinda what I'm doing right now, can barely even write because my arms are spazzing out too much; forgive me if what I post is nonsense, I'm having a small psychotic episode rn is all, and I can never tell if what I write makes sense when I'm like this.)
I guess just, hoping to get lucky.

You're making complete sense don't worry. I'm sorry you're in such pain… I hope you find some type of peace my friend.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

ive been doing exactly this for years. i was too scared to commit to a serious attempt so i just fucked around with drugs hoping it would kill me. didnt work obviously but i had fun doing it lol

 

[Walpurgisnacht]

You're making complete sense don't worry. I'm sorry you're in such pain… I hope you find some type of peace my friend.

Thank you, I appreciate that a lot. It is extremely scary to say or write something that makes complete sense, and then later on finding out it was literally all gibberish. Makes you feel kinda locked in, like you can't communicate with the world at all anymore.

I hope you find peace too dear.

 

[Walpurgisnacht]

ive been doing exactly this for years. i was too scared to commit to a serious attempt so i just fucked around with drugs hoping it would kill me. didnt work obviously but i had fun doing it lol

Yeah, I had a bunch of times when overdosing and it feeling close thinking "wow, this is gonna finally be it!" Feeling a weird combination of relief, nervousness, fear and excitement.
Didn't work either though.
The only thing the drugs really gave me was an emptied bank account and heroin + benzo addiction in the end lol.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

Yeah, I had a bunch of times when overdosing and it feeling close thinking "wow, this is gonna finally be it!" Feeling a weird combination of relief, nervousness, fear and excitement.
Didn't work either though.
The only thing the drugs really gave me was an emptied bank account and heroin + benzo addiction in the end lol.

oh gosh ive had that feeling too, many times. but ofc, i always wake up or it turns out i was just so dissociated that i only felt like i was dying

 

[Walpurgisnacht]

i always wake up or it turns out i was just so dissociated that i only felt like i was dying

Yeah, it's almost like a false promise of relief by the universe itself lol; waking up and being super let down by it.
One of the things I really liked about using ketamine specifically was that I felt I was literally dying or dead, it was exhilarating.

 

[neemva]

For as long as I can remember, I would always engage in extremely dangerous behaviour, and I think it's cause I'm not confident in my ability to overcome SI.
So before I attempted the first time, I would do extremely stupid shit hoping that the world would take me out for me, make it easy so I don't have to face my decision head on.

Is this a common behaviour for people not mentally ready to CTB yet?

I too feel same, while sleeping I hope the ceiling fan falls on me and I die, or a fire breaks in my room, or if the bus I am in falls into a river or something, or something hits me, or a serial killer kills me, I hope about these things everyday. I sit at roof of our hostel sometimes, but maybe due to fear of failure I've never done that

 

[Walpurgisnacht]

I sit at roof of our hostel sometimes, but maybe due to fear of failure I've never done that

Yeah, I understand. If the method is unreliable, being stuck with the aftermath of it would be worse than ever. Just can't help but be fascinated by dangerous things though. I sometimes go to the bridge just to stare down longingly, but not able to try it again.
I think I'm just not quite ready, and when I am I'll make better plans with more effective and painless method. Maybe this kind of behaviour means there is still something left to live for? Idk, if there is I can't identify it.

A kinda funny one I remembered is when my boyfriend and I went on holiday a couple months ago. Whenever I'm in a plane I kinda secretly wish it'd crash, despite knowing how unlikely that is; but that time specifically there were two aborted landings, and when it was happening I had this really stupid grin on my face hoping it's about to overshoot the runway while everyone else was concerned and afraid, I probably looked like a complete idiot.
Before I set off my friend texts me saying "I hope it crashes this time" lol

 

[jolongone]

Sounds like what I do. I sometimes wander the streets at night in my city (which has a high crime rate) hoping I find a serial killer or something. Still have not

Oh don't do that! you might end up chained in someone's basement be tortured or as their sex slave

 

[neemva]

Yeah, I understand. If the method is unreliable, being stuck with the aftermath of it would be worse than ever. Just can't help but be fascinated by dangerous things though. I sometimes go to the bridge just to stare down longingly, but not able to try it again.
I think I'm just not quite ready, and when I am I'll make better plans with more effective and painless method. Maybe this kind of behaviour means there is still something left to live for? Idk, if there is I can't identify it.

A kinda funny one I remembered is when my boyfriend and I went on holiday a couple months ago. Whenever I'm in a plane I kinda secretly wish it'd crash, despite knowing how unlikely that is; but that time specifically there were two aborted landings, and when it was happening I had this really stupid grin on my face hoping it's about to overshoot the runway while everyone else was concerned and afraid, I probably looked like a complete idiot.
Before I set off my friend texts me saying "I hope it crashes this time" lol

Lol look I found that pages on my diary

 

[Walpurgisnacht]

Lol look I found that pages on my diary

Ah, my old diary was full of stuff like this haha. Even the ceiling one.
It's funny to look back on now though.

 

[BloatedGloater]

You should all keep in mind that wreckless behaviour in traffic can take way more lives than just your own.
Just because you want to end your life you shouldn't appoint yourself the authority to take others. Just some food for thought, and I in no way mean this in a rude or harsh way