Making bad decisions because the prospect of suicide

[ComingUpRoses]

I've found that I often make really bad decisions for myself because I simply say 'Well I don't plan on being here much longer anyway'. This usually leads to consequences which pushes me further in the hole of depression and desire to CTB.

Some examples of this would be: I should really try to pass this class / Why bother getting a degree if I won't be here next year. Or that I should really stop smoking or I'll regret it in the future, or stop racking up credit card debt.

The idea that I'll inevitably CTB often overrides my rational thought process and makes it really hard for me to do things which would lead to me feeling a little better about myself.

Just curious if anyone else goes through this and what anyone would suggest to combat it?

 

[Kariope]

Yup. I'm horribly compulsive when it comes to spending money and the promsise of CTB makes me even worse with it. Like, I can just pile up the debt and finally get to buy what I want to enjoy myself before I go. But then I end up never going, and with months of stupid debt to pay.

 

[RedHotRage]

Yep, same.
Perhaps if you really want to CTB, commit to a date when on you're on vacation.

 

[Pluto]

I was like this throughout my 20s. It's definitely problematic over the long-term.

The only difference today is that I try and ensure that my lifestyle is compatible with recovery, and includes medium-term goals. Things like exercise, reasonable financial management and finishing projects. To an outsider, it might look like I'm doing great in these areas, and then everyone will be surprised if I suddenly CTB. But better than the opposite - neglecting health and finances yet living in misery for years or decades.

 

[ComingUpRoses]

I was like this throughout my 20s. It's definitely problematic over the long-term.

The only difference today is that I try and ensure that my lifestyle is compatible with recovery, and includes medium-term goals. Things like exercise, reasonable financial management and finishing projects. To an outsider, it might look like I'm doing great in these areas, and then everyone will be surprised if I suddenly CTB. But better than the opposite - neglecting health and finances yet living in misery for years or decades.

Being in my 20s myself, I definitely can see how my actions would negatively affect my future life.

I can definitely see how that's a good strategy to try and improve quality of life. Although I have the intentions of CTBing, it's a difficult thing to come to terms with- and I realize that it would likely take a long time and a lot of effort to ever fully commit to. I like the idea of enjoying my life in the future and perhaps moving past this entirely, and I think making smaller more achievable goals would set me on the right path. It's just going to take a lot of effort on my part to get the motivation to make better decisions. Even if I don't decide to keep going- I'd might as well spend the remainder of my time here in a 'bit' of a better mood rather than actively making things worse for myself.

Yup. I'm horribly compulsive when it comes to spending money and the promsise of CTB makes me even worse with it. Like, I can just pile up the debt and finally get to buy what I want to enjoy myself before I go. But then I end up never going, and with months of stupid debt to pay.

I understand this entirely- currently, the only thing that really brings me joy is buying various things related to my hobby; but when I finally get them it only satisfies me for so long until I'm feeling like shit again, and this time without any money/ in debt. I can't really see how much longer I can keep living through the same daily pattern of working/sleeping for weeks until I can finally buy something that doesn't even bring me as much joy as I'd hoped it would.

 

[Pluto]

Yes, that's true. The other thing is that as you say, we can feel much better when physically healthy anyway. It may not make the difference in terms of actually recovering, but we might as well do the best we can while we are here.

Often the lesson in life is 'do the hard thing'. It's much easier to do that when we have people encouraging and supporting us. I've come to use brute force, like not giving myself any other choice. Hope you can give it your best shot. :)

 

[kwho]

The only difference today is that I try and ensure that my lifestyle is compatible with recovery.

My mindset also.
If the worst happens and i wake up from my attempt, i don't want the added pressure of my life being too big of a mess to deal with. It is just being kind to myself and caring about myself.

Added bonus - if everything goes well, it will look just like it happened naturally. Less stressful and upsetting for people.

I got all i need for cbt a week ago and last week was mainly finishing the contingency stuff. I suppose i am dithering now, hehehe. It's ok, i won't dither for long, i know how i'm wired.

Often the lesson in life is 'do the hard thing'. It's much easier to do that when we have people encouraging and supporting us. I've come to use brute force, like not giving myself any other choice. Hope you can give it your best shot. :)

Hehe, so true. But if the "hard thing" also happens to be the right thing to do, doesn't it get almost easy? Provided one loves the truth, of course.

 

[nozomu]

I'm dealing with "fixing" over a years worth of this behavior now. It's terrible and I don't know how to avoid it. Fixing it is so overwhelming that it makes me wish I wasn't needing to do recovery.

 

[kindalone]

I'm dealing with "fixing" over a years worth of this behavior now. It's terrible and I don't know how to avoid it. Fixing it is so overwhelming that it makes me wish I wasn't needing to do recovery.

Me too. Have been living pretty reckless for years, thinking I could CTB in a heartbeat if things would spiral too much. But in the end, I just made things worse for myself and others around me. Now it's so deeply ingrained in my behaviour, I do it automatically.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I have successfully run my life into the ground. Now my time's come and I am struggling to get it done. So yeah, to anyone in a better position who is tempted to neglect their life out of apathy, don't shit where you eat. You can't take for granted you'll be able to CTB when everything crumbles.

 

[somedayillbefree]

Yes, that's exactly how and why I ruined all of my relationships and opportunities. Always make choices as if you'll be around to feel the consequences, even if you're absolutely certain you won't, just in case. I try to use the memory of my mistakes and how difficult it is to recover from them to keep myself in check now, but it's a vicious cycle of failure that's really hard to break once it's started. Suicidal fantasies have become a release valve for my emotions in the same way as drinking or self-harm. I'm always certain I'll die young, it's like my ability to imagine a future has been stolen from me.